I was watching EWTN the other day and there was a statement made that the time we are living in has the most Christian persecution than any other time in history.
That made me think:
Am I ready to be persecuted? Am I not already being persecuted? The ways may be subtle, but yes, I am already being persecuted for my faith. I think all Catholic Christians worth their salt are being persecuted.
It is nice that there is a small, but swelling movement in the church where people are being encouraged to be more proud and open about our faith: saying grace in restaurants, speaking up when others use Jesus' name in vain, telling people we will not do certain activities on Sundays, and in increasing our family prayer time, and more. Even priests are getting a little more bold and that is nice to see too because that encourages the rest of us, after all, they are our leaders and models. If they are proud and open about their faith it will trickle down to us.
There is more persecution coming .... more struggles and challenges to our faith. More people will be coming forward and try to squash us.
And again I ask myself....are we ready? Are we ready for even more persecution? My feeling is that we must really be "prayed up" for the future because it is coming, and in ever more not so subtle ways.
How can we become ready if we are not now ready? Here are my thoughts and ideas. You can do with them what you will:
1. Beef up your time in prayer.
2. Go to Mass more often.
3. Do more spiritual reading.
4. Hang out with people and talk about your faith.
5. Read the Bible daily and pray with it (Ignatian style works well).
6. Go to Reconciliation more often.
7. Wear blessed objects or keep them in your pocket.
8. Pray the rosary.
9. Watch EWTN - lots of great information there.
10.Stick up for our faith when it is being bashed.
11.Get more silence in your life so you can think about what is important.
12.Ask for the saints' intercession.
13.Pray outside of Mass in small prayer and faith sharing groups.
14.Attend Catholic events in your diocese - missions, talks, conferences, trainings.
15.Simplyfy your life.
16.Make contacts with others to build a network of support in your community, parish, diocese.
17.Pray the chaplet of divine mercy.
18.Seek to be a saint and try harder every day to be who you are called to be.
19.Think about creating a plan of how you will respond when your faith is attacked or you are put down because of your faith. Work it out in your mind so when it happens you will be ready to respond.
20.Fast.
These are my thoughts tonight. Please think about them.
Aug 3, 2011
Jul 31, 2011
Catholicism and Community Building
Tonight I am writing about Catholicism and Community building.
Catholicism holds the fullness of Truth. Catholicism is the home of the Eucharist - the "Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity" of Jesus. We are led by the Pope, the Vicar of Christ on earth. Catholicism is THE RELIGION to be and any rational person who takes steps towards the Catholic Church, in time, will find all this to be true.
But still, our wonderful Catholic Church, founded by Jesus Christ Himself, is not only divine, but is human as well. It is humanity that creates all the problems. We are weak and sinful and lazy. The problem "is us".
I love the Catholic Church with my whole being. I am so glad that this is the faith I profess. I have no problems with the teachings of the church. (Well, except for the one that says animals dont' go to Heaven. I believe that they do go to Heaven.)
The current struggle I have with our Church revolves around the lack of TRUE community in parishes. Personally, I find Catholic parishes to be quite cold and unwelcoming. I know of many other Catholics who feel the same way.
The question I am pondering lately is HOW CAN WE CHANGE THAT? These are my thoughts on the value of building community and the "how to" of building communtiy:
1. Bishops, Pastors, Deacons, and Lay Ministry Leaders have to take the lead in this. They have to encourage community. They have to live community. They have to teach people HOW to live with a community spirit. They have to be inclusive. They have to be pro-active and help their parishioners become a Christian community.
2. Each parish should have a "community-forming" committee whose sole purpose is to think of different ways that a sense of community can be developed in the parish.
3. There needs to be a realization that some people may be hesitant or shy when it comes to reaching out or getting involved( for many different reasons ) and those are the people that need a little extra TLC and encouragement. They are often the hidden treasures of a parish who have been jaded by previous negative church experiences and are in need of healing or just simply an invitation to use their gifts. There should not be anyone in the parish who is left out of the community building effort.
4. There needs to be a realization that with a focus on community building everything else at the parish will improve. There will be more service to the parish and to the wider community. There will be more financial donations because people will have a real sense of family and will want to help by donating money in addition to their time and talents. Attendance and attention at Mass will be increased because people will feel comfortable with others at Mass and will truly feel like they belong.
5. With a greater sense of community comes more outreach ( service, as mentioned above) and this gives automatic help to pastors who are often stretched for time due to the current lower count of priests. It would be easier for pastors to get the parish's needs met because there would automatically be more volunteers when a need arises, leaving the priest to focus on his main priestly responsibilities while parishioners take care of the ancillary needs.
6. There needs to be a realization that with a focus on community there will also be more joy because people will be more connected to their parish family, more will get done at the parish for the parish famiy and wider community, and people will feel more like they are truly part of the Body of Christ.
7. This sense of parish community will strengthen families because it will be modeled in the parish, brought home to each family, and will help create families who naturally evangelize others just by being who they are called to be. It will make the Catholic church even more enticing for those outside of the faith.
8. Those who belong to a parish alone will be welcomed into the greater parish family.
So, these are my thoughts for this evening.
Catholicism holds the fullness of Truth. Catholicism is the home of the Eucharist - the "Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity" of Jesus. We are led by the Pope, the Vicar of Christ on earth. Catholicism is THE RELIGION to be and any rational person who takes steps towards the Catholic Church, in time, will find all this to be true.
But still, our wonderful Catholic Church, founded by Jesus Christ Himself, is not only divine, but is human as well. It is humanity that creates all the problems. We are weak and sinful and lazy. The problem "is us".
I love the Catholic Church with my whole being. I am so glad that this is the faith I profess. I have no problems with the teachings of the church. (Well, except for the one that says animals dont' go to Heaven. I believe that they do go to Heaven.)
The current struggle I have with our Church revolves around the lack of TRUE community in parishes. Personally, I find Catholic parishes to be quite cold and unwelcoming. I know of many other Catholics who feel the same way.
The question I am pondering lately is HOW CAN WE CHANGE THAT? These are my thoughts on the value of building community and the "how to" of building communtiy:
1. Bishops, Pastors, Deacons, and Lay Ministry Leaders have to take the lead in this. They have to encourage community. They have to live community. They have to teach people HOW to live with a community spirit. They have to be inclusive. They have to be pro-active and help their parishioners become a Christian community.
2. Each parish should have a "community-forming" committee whose sole purpose is to think of different ways that a sense of community can be developed in the parish.
3. There needs to be a realization that some people may be hesitant or shy when it comes to reaching out or getting involved( for many different reasons ) and those are the people that need a little extra TLC and encouragement. They are often the hidden treasures of a parish who have been jaded by previous negative church experiences and are in need of healing or just simply an invitation to use their gifts. There should not be anyone in the parish who is left out of the community building effort.
4. There needs to be a realization that with a focus on community building everything else at the parish will improve. There will be more service to the parish and to the wider community. There will be more financial donations because people will have a real sense of family and will want to help by donating money in addition to their time and talents. Attendance and attention at Mass will be increased because people will feel comfortable with others at Mass and will truly feel like they belong.
5. With a greater sense of community comes more outreach ( service, as mentioned above) and this gives automatic help to pastors who are often stretched for time due to the current lower count of priests. It would be easier for pastors to get the parish's needs met because there would automatically be more volunteers when a need arises, leaving the priest to focus on his main priestly responsibilities while parishioners take care of the ancillary needs.
6. There needs to be a realization that with a focus on community there will also be more joy because people will be more connected to their parish family, more will get done at the parish for the parish famiy and wider community, and people will feel more like they are truly part of the Body of Christ.
7. This sense of parish community will strengthen families because it will be modeled in the parish, brought home to each family, and will help create families who naturally evangelize others just by being who they are called to be. It will make the Catholic church even more enticing for those outside of the faith.
8. Those who belong to a parish alone will be welcomed into the greater parish family.
So, these are my thoughts for this evening.
Jul 24, 2011
Blindfolds, sheep, and shepherds
There is a youth ministry activity that I used to do with teens that focused on trying to hear God's voice amidst the clamour of the world. This is how it worked: One person was "it". This person would be blindfolded and placed in the center of a room. Lots of other people would be around that person. The blindfolded person simply had to listen to my voice ( which represented the voice of God ) and walk over to me. Sounds simple, yes? Not really because the job of all the other people in the room was to talk and yell and call the blindfolded person's name. The blindfolded person had to listen carefully for the sound of my voice over the voices of the others. My voice was of normal volume and I repeatedly and gently called the persons' name. Ex: "John, come here. I'm calling you. Come to me." What was going around the blindfolded person was lots of loud voices yelling " John !! Hey John ! Come over here!". These people could also move closer to the blindfolded person and I was near a wall. After doing the activity, which could take as much as 15 minutes or so to complete, we would have a discussion. The blindfolded person always shared how hard it was to stay focused on my voice and how hard it was to purposely ignore the other voices. We would then relate the activity to our faith walk and how sometimes it is very hard to focus on God's voice when our culture can be so much louder and makes it harder to focus.
I share that because that is how I feel lately - like the blindfolded person trying to listen to God's voice. I'm finding that I need more time in quiet prayer to get away from the culture and even then, listening is difficult because the noise in my mind can overshadow the still small voice that is God's. My thoughts are loud and insistant and it sometimes takes quite a long time to be able to hear His voice.
That little weasel, the devil himself, is very good at causing distractions, especially in this day and age. We have to be vigilant and disciplined as we walk through the world today. There are so many false prophets and arrogant people in our midst today. We can easily become desensitized to the dangers of the culture and given enough time and sloth on our part, soon we are tuned in only to the voices of the culture instead of the voice of God.
So, if there is anyone out there reading this, I urge you to be vigilant in your faith. Try your best to walk away from temptation and pray, pray, pray. Go to Mass. Read Scripture. Read other spiritual reading ( good, solid stuff ). Use discernment - even, and especially, within the Church. Just because someone is associated with the Church doesn't always mean you can believe everything they say, or that they live out their faith once they walk out of the church doors, or that we can believe that they are a credible witness of Christ. Remember, the fox is in the henhouse, so we have to be prayerful and discerning. We have to pray for our priests to be holy and to have the courage to stand up to those who are not holy - whether they are in the pulpit or in the pews.
It is my feeling that with the fox in the henhouse (the wolf in the sheepfold...whatever terminology you want to us) that the sheep are scattering in confusion and they are looking for the shepherds God has sent to watch over them. They are trying to catch up to the shepherds who are walking to fast, to find the shepherds who are hiding, to talk to their shepherds for encouragement and direction, and some also are trying to challenge the shepherds to live up to their calling.
All sheep are like the blindfolded person in the youth ministry activity: we are trying to follow His voice amidst the noise of the day. Shepherds are supposed to help us hear His voice. Jesus please let the sheep and shepherd walk together in peace and community and don't let the wolf get any of us. Amen.
I share that because that is how I feel lately - like the blindfolded person trying to listen to God's voice. I'm finding that I need more time in quiet prayer to get away from the culture and even then, listening is difficult because the noise in my mind can overshadow the still small voice that is God's. My thoughts are loud and insistant and it sometimes takes quite a long time to be able to hear His voice.
That little weasel, the devil himself, is very good at causing distractions, especially in this day and age. We have to be vigilant and disciplined as we walk through the world today. There are so many false prophets and arrogant people in our midst today. We can easily become desensitized to the dangers of the culture and given enough time and sloth on our part, soon we are tuned in only to the voices of the culture instead of the voice of God.
So, if there is anyone out there reading this, I urge you to be vigilant in your faith. Try your best to walk away from temptation and pray, pray, pray. Go to Mass. Read Scripture. Read other spiritual reading ( good, solid stuff ). Use discernment - even, and especially, within the Church. Just because someone is associated with the Church doesn't always mean you can believe everything they say, or that they live out their faith once they walk out of the church doors, or that we can believe that they are a credible witness of Christ. Remember, the fox is in the henhouse, so we have to be prayerful and discerning. We have to pray for our priests to be holy and to have the courage to stand up to those who are not holy - whether they are in the pulpit or in the pews.
It is my feeling that with the fox in the henhouse (the wolf in the sheepfold...whatever terminology you want to us) that the sheep are scattering in confusion and they are looking for the shepherds God has sent to watch over them. They are trying to catch up to the shepherds who are walking to fast, to find the shepherds who are hiding, to talk to their shepherds for encouragement and direction, and some also are trying to challenge the shepherds to live up to their calling.
All sheep are like the blindfolded person in the youth ministry activity: we are trying to follow His voice amidst the noise of the day. Shepherds are supposed to help us hear His voice. Jesus please let the sheep and shepherd walk together in peace and community and don't let the wolf get any of us. Amen.
Jul 16, 2011
Be alert.....the world needs more lerts.
Just before starting to write tonight's blog, I asked Jesus to give me a topic. He said to tell you about his great love for humanity. He pines for the lost sheep every day. We need to wake up and be people of action and prayer. The world is on the precipice of a cliff. The church is being attacked in many ways and in many places in the world. Take China for example. Clergy are actually having to hide so as not to be forced into supporting a state sponsored catholic Church.
God's love wants to pour out on all humanity but many are too busy to listen, so the devil marches on, thinking he is winning. Of course we all know that he will have a huge surprise at the end of time. Well, maybe not actually because he knows scripture so he knows he loses at the end. It is us - humanity - who do not know scripture well enough.
We are living lives in the fog of secularism. We are like horses with blinders on. We are like blind and deaf people because we don't see or hear what is happening right before us. We are like the frog in the warm water and the water is slowly heated up so the frog doesn't realize that soon it will be cooked and dead. We are like that.
Some of us are alert however. The world needs more lerts. :) I'd like to put myself in that category. I am not a tremendously smart person, but I am a person of faith and I know how to see with the eyes of faith ( when I am in good space that is ). I know a few other people that are on the same wavelength, but to be honest, many Catholics I see, and christians in general, are not aware of the spiritual battles going on....that is how cunning the devil is. He has tricked so many people.
Heck, he has even tricked Fr. Corapi and he was one of our good priests. Or maybe he was just a wolf in sheep's clothing all along? What is going on with him is purely diabolical and we all have to pray to Jesus to save him from himself and we have to ask Mary to go after her lost priest.
There are so many attacks on humanity every day that go unseen. We are slowly becoming hotter like the frog in the pot. Those of us who are alert must pray our little Catholic hearts out for all that is going on: for protection, discernment, love, peace, patience and more.
That is enough for tonight. St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle.
God's love wants to pour out on all humanity but many are too busy to listen, so the devil marches on, thinking he is winning. Of course we all know that he will have a huge surprise at the end of time. Well, maybe not actually because he knows scripture so he knows he loses at the end. It is us - humanity - who do not know scripture well enough.
We are living lives in the fog of secularism. We are like horses with blinders on. We are like blind and deaf people because we don't see or hear what is happening right before us. We are like the frog in the warm water and the water is slowly heated up so the frog doesn't realize that soon it will be cooked and dead. We are like that.
Some of us are alert however. The world needs more lerts. :) I'd like to put myself in that category. I am not a tremendously smart person, but I am a person of faith and I know how to see with the eyes of faith ( when I am in good space that is ). I know a few other people that are on the same wavelength, but to be honest, many Catholics I see, and christians in general, are not aware of the spiritual battles going on....that is how cunning the devil is. He has tricked so many people.
Heck, he has even tricked Fr. Corapi and he was one of our good priests. Or maybe he was just a wolf in sheep's clothing all along? What is going on with him is purely diabolical and we all have to pray to Jesus to save him from himself and we have to ask Mary to go after her lost priest.
There are so many attacks on humanity every day that go unseen. We are slowly becoming hotter like the frog in the pot. Those of us who are alert must pray our little Catholic hearts out for all that is going on: for protection, discernment, love, peace, patience and more.
That is enough for tonight. St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle.
Jul 10, 2011
Beware: the wolf is in the fold
I believe that anyone who spends a good amount of time each day in prayer and reflection, especially in front of the Blessed Sacrament, must be becoming keenly aware that the wolf is in the sheep fold.
Even considering the horrid scandals that have attacked the dignity of God's Holy Church and harmed so many children, the wolf has still been doing a fairly good job of being unnoticed, but he is getting more bold. He is stepping up his attack and is starting to stalk certain sheep, and even going after the shepherds as well. Will there be more casualties? Will we have the discernment to know what to do to avoid further situations?
The answer is simple, although not easy. Here it is: We need to pray more, receive the Eucharist and Reconciliation more often. Seriously. We need to not only beef up the amount of time we pray, but out intensity of prayer has to increase as well. We need to keep alert and aware. We need to pray especially for discernment, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.
We need to pray for our priests and bishops to be protected. We need to pray that the faithful will remain just that: faithful.
We need to be aware that the wolf is in the flock and we have to test to make sure that the person who is talking to us is of God and not of the enemy for the wolf is a master of disguises ( an angel of light ).
This is the sad reality of where we are right now. God will prevail. The gates of hell will not prevails against the church. The little weasel may try, but he will not win. He cannot win. We cannot give in. When in doubt we must wait and pray. In that way, we will experience discernment and hear our Good Shepherd's voice.
St. Michael the Archangel defend us in the battles that are before us. Amen.
Even considering the horrid scandals that have attacked the dignity of God's Holy Church and harmed so many children, the wolf has still been doing a fairly good job of being unnoticed, but he is getting more bold. He is stepping up his attack and is starting to stalk certain sheep, and even going after the shepherds as well. Will there be more casualties? Will we have the discernment to know what to do to avoid further situations?
The answer is simple, although not easy. Here it is: We need to pray more, receive the Eucharist and Reconciliation more often. Seriously. We need to not only beef up the amount of time we pray, but out intensity of prayer has to increase as well. We need to keep alert and aware. We need to pray especially for discernment, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.
We need to pray for our priests and bishops to be protected. We need to pray that the faithful will remain just that: faithful.
We need to be aware that the wolf is in the flock and we have to test to make sure that the person who is talking to us is of God and not of the enemy for the wolf is a master of disguises ( an angel of light ).
This is the sad reality of where we are right now. God will prevail. The gates of hell will not prevails against the church. The little weasel may try, but he will not win. He cannot win. We cannot give in. When in doubt we must wait and pray. In that way, we will experience discernment and hear our Good Shepherd's voice.
St. Michael the Archangel defend us in the battles that are before us. Amen.
Jul 8, 2011
What I want to tell the world
A 39 year old man fell at a ball park this week and died. He was simply trying to catch a ball for his little son and he fell 20 feet and died.
Death can come quickly. It doesn't always give notice. So, we must all be ready because "ya never know" when your "number will come up".
So, just in case tonight is my last night on this planet and I wake up dead tomorrow, I would like to say the following:
1. It's all about Jesus. Everything is. He is the first and last after all.
2. I wish I would have had the opportunity to feel like I belonged somewhere: in a family or in the church.
3. Give "different" people a chance. Usually people who are different have a lot to offer, but because they are, well...different.....some people do not give them the chance.
4. Eat chocolate. Drink Coca Cola.
5. Reflect on life and the things you experience each day in addition to praying daily.
6. We are all in this mess together.
7. Catholics in a parish really need to learn how to be community. They need to stay away from cliques and they need to be more welcoming and hospitable.
8. All people, in addition to priests, need to practice what they preach.
9. There are so many lonely people in the world.
10. Having to worry about money stinks. We are slaves to these little green pieces of paper that we call money. Humanity created money. We can do away with it and just learn to give and share.
11. God DOES talk to people. Most people don't take the time to listen to what He is saying.
12. I feel like I have a lot to give to the world but nobody wants my gifts.
13. Sadness would be almost totally eradicated if people would be gentle with one another and smile and encourage one another.
14. Catholics: clergy, religious, and lay people need to focus on being more humble and less arrogant.
15. Cinderella is really just a fairy tale.
16. Learning to love is hard, if not impossible.
17. God holds all the cards so we have to "deal" with it ( no pun intended).
18. Sleep is bliss.
19. Buying a new car is a waste of money.
20. Stop fighting. Play nice.
21. Pray always.
Death can come quickly. It doesn't always give notice. So, we must all be ready because "ya never know" when your "number will come up".
So, just in case tonight is my last night on this planet and I wake up dead tomorrow, I would like to say the following:
1. It's all about Jesus. Everything is. He is the first and last after all.
2. I wish I would have had the opportunity to feel like I belonged somewhere: in a family or in the church.
3. Give "different" people a chance. Usually people who are different have a lot to offer, but because they are, well...different.....some people do not give them the chance.
4. Eat chocolate. Drink Coca Cola.
5. Reflect on life and the things you experience each day in addition to praying daily.
6. We are all in this mess together.
7. Catholics in a parish really need to learn how to be community. They need to stay away from cliques and they need to be more welcoming and hospitable.
8. All people, in addition to priests, need to practice what they preach.
9. There are so many lonely people in the world.
10. Having to worry about money stinks. We are slaves to these little green pieces of paper that we call money. Humanity created money. We can do away with it and just learn to give and share.
11. God DOES talk to people. Most people don't take the time to listen to what He is saying.
12. I feel like I have a lot to give to the world but nobody wants my gifts.
13. Sadness would be almost totally eradicated if people would be gentle with one another and smile and encourage one another.
14. Catholics: clergy, religious, and lay people need to focus on being more humble and less arrogant.
15. Cinderella is really just a fairy tale.
16. Learning to love is hard, if not impossible.
17. God holds all the cards so we have to "deal" with it ( no pun intended).
18. Sleep is bliss.
19. Buying a new car is a waste of money.
20. Stop fighting. Play nice.
21. Pray always.
Jul 2, 2011
Coasting
A few times within the last week I have asked Jesus to please let life become a little easier for me for the next little while. I feel like I have had so many big struggles since 2005 and here it is 2011 already. It has been a bumpy ride and I am ready for a little luxury ( emphasis on little ), a little peace, a little joy, and other good things.
I don't deserve anything good. I am aware of that. But still I am asking. I am feeling healthy and that is a huge blessing right there as I have had my share of health issues since 2005 in addition to everything else. I think I have rolled with the punches to the best of my ability. I have tried to be faithful despite all my strong emotions about so many things. I have not, at any time, given up my prayer life, but I have wandered in a spiritual desert and have felt very disconnected to the Church that I love with my entire heart - my Catholic Church.
I have been weary of the struggle, and I just would like a "time of grace". A time where I don't have to worry so much about things, or work so hard. I work incredibly hard and I try my best. I am reminded of Jesus' words that He has come to give us Life and to give it Abundantly. I know He didn't mean materialistic abundance, but probably more of a spiritual, fulfilling sense of abundance. I am open to having either at this point.
It feels like I work so hard - and it is always uphill, at least since 2005. I would like the ride to be a little downhill for a while.
The other week I took my bike out. Going up the hills reminded me of my life these last few years, and going down hill, when I could coast, was so much better. I didn't have to pedal. I could feel the breeze. I could look at the sights. Up hill on the other hand was just like my life - always having to peddle hard and breathe, and focus on the road.
I would like a time of coasting. Jesus, this is my prayer. Again, I know I don't deserve it because who am I to complain? But, still, being your mere creature who is wondering about Your will for her life, I am asking you for the next turn in my life, to be a down hill slope, with a breeze and a view....and a chance to breathe.
Amen.
I don't deserve anything good. I am aware of that. But still I am asking. I am feeling healthy and that is a huge blessing right there as I have had my share of health issues since 2005 in addition to everything else. I think I have rolled with the punches to the best of my ability. I have tried to be faithful despite all my strong emotions about so many things. I have not, at any time, given up my prayer life, but I have wandered in a spiritual desert and have felt very disconnected to the Church that I love with my entire heart - my Catholic Church.
I have been weary of the struggle, and I just would like a "time of grace". A time where I don't have to worry so much about things, or work so hard. I work incredibly hard and I try my best. I am reminded of Jesus' words that He has come to give us Life and to give it Abundantly. I know He didn't mean materialistic abundance, but probably more of a spiritual, fulfilling sense of abundance. I am open to having either at this point.
It feels like I work so hard - and it is always uphill, at least since 2005. I would like the ride to be a little downhill for a while.
The other week I took my bike out. Going up the hills reminded me of my life these last few years, and going down hill, when I could coast, was so much better. I didn't have to pedal. I could feel the breeze. I could look at the sights. Up hill on the other hand was just like my life - always having to peddle hard and breathe, and focus on the road.
I would like a time of coasting. Jesus, this is my prayer. Again, I know I don't deserve it because who am I to complain? But, still, being your mere creature who is wondering about Your will for her life, I am asking you for the next turn in my life, to be a down hill slope, with a breeze and a view....and a chance to breathe.
Amen.
Jun 28, 2011
"....And what Heaven is Calling us to do....."
I just finished reading a book called "The Secrets, Chastisement, and Triumph of the two hearts of Jesus and Mary, And what Heaven is calling us to do" by Kelly Bowring, w/ the Imprimatur of Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal. A friend let me borrow it and I read it mainly because of the Imprimatur. I also read it to see if it would increase my faith and to discuss it with her.
The title basically states what it is about. It was interesting. I had some questions throughout my reading, but what I found most interesting was how often the different apparations and prophesies were in sync with one another.
Anyway, if it is truth, then we are certainly soon going to be in for a great adventure of faith.
I agreed with a lot of what it said because I think we are living some of it now: natural disasters, the breakdown of the family, a lack of faith and especially lack of belief in the Real Presence, the purification and challenges that have come upon the church, etc....
My prayer then, is for Jesus to help me keep my faith strong so I will not be deceived, and that I may be part of the "remnant" it talked about. I want to go to Heaven. I want to always be with Jesus. So I ask for the grace to make the right decisions in the days, months, and years to come, and may I somehow be a light, however small, to others who are also on this journey of faith.
Come, Lord Jesus....I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
The title basically states what it is about. It was interesting. I had some questions throughout my reading, but what I found most interesting was how often the different apparations and prophesies were in sync with one another.
Anyway, if it is truth, then we are certainly soon going to be in for a great adventure of faith.
I agreed with a lot of what it said because I think we are living some of it now: natural disasters, the breakdown of the family, a lack of faith and especially lack of belief in the Real Presence, the purification and challenges that have come upon the church, etc....
My prayer then, is for Jesus to help me keep my faith strong so I will not be deceived, and that I may be part of the "remnant" it talked about. I want to go to Heaven. I want to always be with Jesus. So I ask for the grace to make the right decisions in the days, months, and years to come, and may I somehow be a light, however small, to others who are also on this journey of faith.
Come, Lord Jesus....I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Jun 26, 2011
On Being a Fool
One of my most profound, and initial, experiences of Jesus happened when I was almost 16 years old. That is when my faith took off. I had been brought up in the church since the age of 3. I was baptized as an infant but didn't go to church until 3 years old ( that's another story ).
As a teen I jumped full force into my Catholic faith and the Person of Jesus. I read everything I could. Talked to priests and sisters and adults I trusted about our faith. It was an exciting time. I was an enthusiastic new disciple of Jesus and lots of cool things happened back then.
As I grew in faith and people figured out that my faith was not just an adolescent phase, but took real hold of my life, I received lots of reactions. My grandmother told me that if I got too much into my faith I would go crazy so I better be careful to moderate things. My family thought I was a "Jesus freak" and put up with my enthusiasm or tried to ignore me. It depended on the day. My church at that time, embraced me whole heartedly. I was very involved. It was wonderful. I belonged and was accepted and wanted. (Those were the days!). I had so many wonderful experiences.
I was a teen who took the things that adults told me seriously. I held on to their every word - homilies, sharings, and in the books they told me to read. In time, I guess you could say that the student excelled the master. I grew up and continued to be deeply interested in my faith, even considering being a nun off and on. People pretty much expected that would happen to me, but it didn't. Whenever I went down a road towards some religious order I hit a dead end. The answer was no.
A friend told me a couple of months ago that I am the "most Catholic Catholic" that she has ever known. My faith means everything to me. I really don't care if people think I am a fool or not. I am not ashamed of my faith and I like to think that I don't impose it on anyone either. I am just me. The Catholic lingo is a part of my daily verbage. I wear a crucifix. I have a rosary hanging on a small bulletin board next to my desk, along with prayers and a picture of a monstrance.
Some think I am too Catholic, if that is possible. Personally, I don't think I am Catholic enough. I have questions and struggles about some Catholic things. Take the Latin Mass for instance. I have major trouble with understanding "all things Latin and backwards". I have tried so hard to get it and I just can't. I have asked for help with this but have gotten very little so I have let it go. At this time I declare that I am "neutral" when it comes to Latin things. I have no opinion anymore. I have issues w/ the church not being friendly enough or welcoming enough. I could be a much better Catholic and I am striving to be better, but I have my struggles.
But, if you take all of that out, yes, many would say I am a fool for Christ. I think my co-workers think I'm a little foolish for going to Mass so often and for going back to church at the end of the day for quiet prayer time. Some think I would have more "fun" if I weren't such a devout Catholic. In their minds there are a lot of things I won't do because I am a Catholic that they think are fun: drinking a lot, seeing movies and other entertainment that are not in sync with my faith, using certain words or gestures, etc..... As a result they think I am rather foolish because I'm missing out a lot of secular fun.
Everyone in my immediate family thinks I am a fool. They tend to think that it is okay to be Catholic as long as a person doesn't take it to heart. You know....it is okay to miss Mass and not go to confession for years and years. It is okay to be Catholic as long as it doesn't stop you from doing what you want to do, however inappropriate. Feel free to curse and do other sinful things and then go to Mass and go to Holy Communion without going to confession first. In short: if your faith affects the rest of your life too much, then you are weird and a fool.
So, call me a fool. A fool for Christ. I am a sinner like everyone else, but I love Jesus with my whole heart and I wake up each day and try very hard not to sin. Still, thanks to the human condition and the effects of original sin, I still fall into sin. It will be that way until I die. But I can try. In trying to do better, and to be better, I will mess up. But I can't give up.
I'm okay being a fool for Christ. He is the only One I'm trying to please anyway, so as long as He is happy with my efforts, then that is all that matters.
As a teen I jumped full force into my Catholic faith and the Person of Jesus. I read everything I could. Talked to priests and sisters and adults I trusted about our faith. It was an exciting time. I was an enthusiastic new disciple of Jesus and lots of cool things happened back then.
As I grew in faith and people figured out that my faith was not just an adolescent phase, but took real hold of my life, I received lots of reactions. My grandmother told me that if I got too much into my faith I would go crazy so I better be careful to moderate things. My family thought I was a "Jesus freak" and put up with my enthusiasm or tried to ignore me. It depended on the day. My church at that time, embraced me whole heartedly. I was very involved. It was wonderful. I belonged and was accepted and wanted. (Those were the days!). I had so many wonderful experiences.
I was a teen who took the things that adults told me seriously. I held on to their every word - homilies, sharings, and in the books they told me to read. In time, I guess you could say that the student excelled the master. I grew up and continued to be deeply interested in my faith, even considering being a nun off and on. People pretty much expected that would happen to me, but it didn't. Whenever I went down a road towards some religious order I hit a dead end. The answer was no.
A friend told me a couple of months ago that I am the "most Catholic Catholic" that she has ever known. My faith means everything to me. I really don't care if people think I am a fool or not. I am not ashamed of my faith and I like to think that I don't impose it on anyone either. I am just me. The Catholic lingo is a part of my daily verbage. I wear a crucifix. I have a rosary hanging on a small bulletin board next to my desk, along with prayers and a picture of a monstrance.
Some think I am too Catholic, if that is possible. Personally, I don't think I am Catholic enough. I have questions and struggles about some Catholic things. Take the Latin Mass for instance. I have major trouble with understanding "all things Latin and backwards". I have tried so hard to get it and I just can't. I have asked for help with this but have gotten very little so I have let it go. At this time I declare that I am "neutral" when it comes to Latin things. I have no opinion anymore. I have issues w/ the church not being friendly enough or welcoming enough. I could be a much better Catholic and I am striving to be better, but I have my struggles.
But, if you take all of that out, yes, many would say I am a fool for Christ. I think my co-workers think I'm a little foolish for going to Mass so often and for going back to church at the end of the day for quiet prayer time. Some think I would have more "fun" if I weren't such a devout Catholic. In their minds there are a lot of things I won't do because I am a Catholic that they think are fun: drinking a lot, seeing movies and other entertainment that are not in sync with my faith, using certain words or gestures, etc..... As a result they think I am rather foolish because I'm missing out a lot of secular fun.
Everyone in my immediate family thinks I am a fool. They tend to think that it is okay to be Catholic as long as a person doesn't take it to heart. You know....it is okay to miss Mass and not go to confession for years and years. It is okay to be Catholic as long as it doesn't stop you from doing what you want to do, however inappropriate. Feel free to curse and do other sinful things and then go to Mass and go to Holy Communion without going to confession first. In short: if your faith affects the rest of your life too much, then you are weird and a fool.
So, call me a fool. A fool for Christ. I am a sinner like everyone else, but I love Jesus with my whole heart and I wake up each day and try very hard not to sin. Still, thanks to the human condition and the effects of original sin, I still fall into sin. It will be that way until I die. But I can try. In trying to do better, and to be better, I will mess up. But I can't give up.
I'm okay being a fool for Christ. He is the only One I'm trying to please anyway, so as long as He is happy with my efforts, then that is all that matters.
Jun 25, 2011
A lady in waiting ( so to speak ).....
I just don't know what God wants me to do. I used to know His will for my life. These last few years have been very stressful - overly stressful - to the point that I came "this close" to utter despair. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to rise each day and carry out my duties.
Then, on the Wednesday before Holy Week, God started to act. I went to a talk and a healing servcie with a friend. The talk was by this cool priest from Africa. Anyway, afterwards they had exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and annointing. I went up, knelt down, and the priest (not the one from Africa, the pastor of the parish) layed hands on my head and prayed for me. As he lifted his arm to place his hand on my head, I could see the monstrance, only feet away from me on the altar. From my heart, I begged Jesus to "please" do something. After a minute, with the priest's hand still on my head. I felt something lift from me. It was a physical feeling that went diagonal from my waist all the way up my body, through my head and out. It was very strange. I just knew the Holy Spirit was doing something.
I went back to my seat and for the first time in months and months, I felt peace. After that moment, things started to change for me. I started to move away from despair and towards hope. It was, and is, a slow process. Right now I am "neutral". I'm still waiting for the joy of Christ to come back in my life, but I am headed in the right direction. I think I am anyway.
So, in this neutral place I am waiting on the Lord. I am trying to be quiet ( and not always having the best luck with that ) and I am trying to be humble and patient. I am praying that I will know His will for my life again. I can't wait for the joy to come back. It has been so long.
I have been thinking........what would help? What do I need to do and what does the world / church have to do to assist me. Then I think, "Who am I that I should expect God, the world, or the church, to assist me.......a mere dot of bacteria on the back of a worm?" But still, I have hope of expectations. I would hope that God would move swiftly to let me know His will, but He is God and His mind is bigger than mine, so I have to wait. I would hope that the world would be gentle with me for I am a rather sensitive person, but I 99.9% know that something like that will not happen. I would hope that the church, most of all, would have mercy and hospitality towards me, but I'm not holding my breath for that one either.
If the Catholic church, which I love with my entire heart, would learn how to be more hospitable, welcoming, loving, and friendly, then sooooo many people would never leave it. It is easy to feel alone in the Catholic church.
Anyway, enough of that. I just want my joy back. I want a sense of community in the church. I want to know God's will. This is my hope. I probably deserve none of that, but still I wait and ask.
I am so very far from attaining sainthood that it just isn't funny..... but I am a lady in waiting......and perhaps if I do a good job waiting, then that will count for something.
I have a sign on my computer printer that reads: "I'm just trying to make my life count for something." That just about summarizes it. Have a blessed night.
Then, on the Wednesday before Holy Week, God started to act. I went to a talk and a healing servcie with a friend. The talk was by this cool priest from Africa. Anyway, afterwards they had exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and annointing. I went up, knelt down, and the priest (not the one from Africa, the pastor of the parish) layed hands on my head and prayed for me. As he lifted his arm to place his hand on my head, I could see the monstrance, only feet away from me on the altar. From my heart, I begged Jesus to "please" do something. After a minute, with the priest's hand still on my head. I felt something lift from me. It was a physical feeling that went diagonal from my waist all the way up my body, through my head and out. It was very strange. I just knew the Holy Spirit was doing something.
I went back to my seat and for the first time in months and months, I felt peace. After that moment, things started to change for me. I started to move away from despair and towards hope. It was, and is, a slow process. Right now I am "neutral". I'm still waiting for the joy of Christ to come back in my life, but I am headed in the right direction. I think I am anyway.
So, in this neutral place I am waiting on the Lord. I am trying to be quiet ( and not always having the best luck with that ) and I am trying to be humble and patient. I am praying that I will know His will for my life again. I can't wait for the joy to come back. It has been so long.
I have been thinking........what would help? What do I need to do and what does the world / church have to do to assist me. Then I think, "Who am I that I should expect God, the world, or the church, to assist me.......a mere dot of bacteria on the back of a worm?" But still, I have hope of expectations. I would hope that God would move swiftly to let me know His will, but He is God and His mind is bigger than mine, so I have to wait. I would hope that the world would be gentle with me for I am a rather sensitive person, but I 99.9% know that something like that will not happen. I would hope that the church, most of all, would have mercy and hospitality towards me, but I'm not holding my breath for that one either.
If the Catholic church, which I love with my entire heart, would learn how to be more hospitable, welcoming, loving, and friendly, then sooooo many people would never leave it. It is easy to feel alone in the Catholic church.
Anyway, enough of that. I just want my joy back. I want a sense of community in the church. I want to know God's will. This is my hope. I probably deserve none of that, but still I wait and ask.
I am so very far from attaining sainthood that it just isn't funny..... but I am a lady in waiting......and perhaps if I do a good job waiting, then that will count for something.
I have a sign on my computer printer that reads: "I'm just trying to make my life count for something." That just about summarizes it. Have a blessed night.
Jun 18, 2011
Reflections on the Great Flood
Do you ever think that God gets tired of dealing with us? Do you think that perhaps that was why he made the great Flood and destroyed everyone but Noah, his family, and the animals? He promised He would never do it again.... but do you think He gets tired of us? Do you think He thinks we are a bunch of whiners who can never get "it" right?
No. His love is so great and so perfect, that I'm sure He must've wept when all the people perished in the Great Flood. I guess sometimes death has to be a consequence for sinful behavior.
There are different kinds of death you know...there is the physical death that everyone will face at one point. There is a spiritual death when someone is going through a spiritual desert. There is the kind of death one experiences when a relationship or a job ends. Gosh...even getting a haircut is a death of sorts. (It is for me anyway.) Death ends things. But there is always something new after a death. Even physical death isn't final.....it is just a passage into another part of eternity.
I have experienced so many kinds of death these last several years. It has been exhausting, but now I'm in that transition phase between death and the next chapter of my life. I am still in the waiting phase. It has stopped being painful. Now it is just sort of an awareness that I'm waiting and an acceptance too. I have been grossly humbled by humanity as well as God. There is nothing left for me to do except to wait and pray.
So, that is what I am doing: waiting and praying. It is not a passive waiting though. I am praying a lot. I am thinking a lot, and reflecting. I am reading a lot. I am trying to listen. I am trying to be mindful of how God might be moving around me. I am trying to trust, but it is hard because so much trust has been broken on so many levels.
I have learned some hard lessons these last several years. I have learned that not everyone is who they appear to be. I have learned that human love stinks and only God's love is truly Real. I have learned that as much as we are called to be a community, we are often left alone. I have learned that I can be very resourceful and that even though nobody really seems to want my small amount of gifts and talents, that they are still there waiting to be put to good use.
It is like the novel that starts..."It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." These last few years have been the worst of times for obvious reasons. But in the intensity of the "worseness" of these times, an equally intense purification is taking place. The purification might lead to the "best of times". It feels like perhaps a Purgatory on earth. It is like my soul is a lush garden and God has been weeding and some of the flowers have been pulled up along with the weeds and there are now bare spots. In time perhaps God will plant new things and even things that are more beautiful than what was there before. Maybe the plants will be hardier.
I have experienced my own personal Great Flood these last years. Many parts of me have been drowned. What is left floats and waits in the little ark that is my soul. Waiting for the dove to bring back an olive branch.
.....I'm watching for a rainbow to signify that the Great Flood is over and land has been found. Then I will step out of the ark and start my life anew.
No. His love is so great and so perfect, that I'm sure He must've wept when all the people perished in the Great Flood. I guess sometimes death has to be a consequence for sinful behavior.
There are different kinds of death you know...there is the physical death that everyone will face at one point. There is a spiritual death when someone is going through a spiritual desert. There is the kind of death one experiences when a relationship or a job ends. Gosh...even getting a haircut is a death of sorts. (It is for me anyway.) Death ends things. But there is always something new after a death. Even physical death isn't final.....it is just a passage into another part of eternity.
I have experienced so many kinds of death these last several years. It has been exhausting, but now I'm in that transition phase between death and the next chapter of my life. I am still in the waiting phase. It has stopped being painful. Now it is just sort of an awareness that I'm waiting and an acceptance too. I have been grossly humbled by humanity as well as God. There is nothing left for me to do except to wait and pray.
So, that is what I am doing: waiting and praying. It is not a passive waiting though. I am praying a lot. I am thinking a lot, and reflecting. I am reading a lot. I am trying to listen. I am trying to be mindful of how God might be moving around me. I am trying to trust, but it is hard because so much trust has been broken on so many levels.
I have learned some hard lessons these last several years. I have learned that not everyone is who they appear to be. I have learned that human love stinks and only God's love is truly Real. I have learned that as much as we are called to be a community, we are often left alone. I have learned that I can be very resourceful and that even though nobody really seems to want my small amount of gifts and talents, that they are still there waiting to be put to good use.
It is like the novel that starts..."It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." These last few years have been the worst of times for obvious reasons. But in the intensity of the "worseness" of these times, an equally intense purification is taking place. The purification might lead to the "best of times". It feels like perhaps a Purgatory on earth. It is like my soul is a lush garden and God has been weeding and some of the flowers have been pulled up along with the weeds and there are now bare spots. In time perhaps God will plant new things and even things that are more beautiful than what was there before. Maybe the plants will be hardier.
I have experienced my own personal Great Flood these last years. Many parts of me have been drowned. What is left floats and waits in the little ark that is my soul. Waiting for the dove to bring back an olive branch.
.....I'm watching for a rainbow to signify that the Great Flood is over and land has been found. Then I will step out of the ark and start my life anew.
Jun 10, 2011
Remains of My Sacred Little Third Pew
Wow. I haven't written for about a month.
Today I went to morning Mass and then later came back and spent a half hour in Adoration. I wanted to spend more time, but my schedule was calling me to move forward, so I did.
I have been praying for a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit on everyone, particularly my parish, my family, myself, and the whole world. This world is currently in so much turmoil that it is only the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us out of it.
In my last blog I talked about wanting to be better. I still want to be better. I want to be a better human being, a better Christian, a better everything. But I am weak. When we are weak Jesus is strong, so I guess in some mysterious way Jesus must be very strong in me right now. I can't tell how and maybe that is not important.
My daily goal is to get up and start my day with Jesus, and then to move through my day trying to be nice and encouraging to everyone, and to be quiet. Being quiet is hard because I like to talk, and to write, as you can see. I guess I mean that I am trying to be verbally quiet. My words that are written are quiet because nobody is required to read them or accept them. Verbally it is a different story because when someone speaks, automatic listening is going on and it is sort of like our verbal words automatically get into someone elses personal hearing space.
I am trying to take a huge step back in many areas of my life and allow God to do what He wants with me. He is still working on me and I am trying to trust. I don't know where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do in regards to "all things church" so I am doing nothing. I started sitting in different pews for Mass. You know how most people have their particular seat? Well I once did - this blog is named after it - the Third Pew..... but now since I'm not sure of my place in the Church - both local and global - I have given up my Third Pew and now am a "roaming Catholic" - moving from pew to pew. Lately I have settled on one of the very last pews. It is a different perspective for sure. That puts everyone in front of me. They can't see me until they turn around for the sign of peace. It is sort of like being in my own little bubble in the back pew. For Sunday Mass however, I sit much closer to the front, but not as close as the Third Pew. My sacred little Third Pew. I miss it.
I am also there in the back pew because I don't know where I belong and I don't feel worthy to be closer to the sanctuary. So, I am working on being better.
Jesus knows my heart. The Holy Spirit knows me through and through. I am trying to trust and listen. I am waiting to belong.....I want to be accepted.....I want to use my gifts for my parish.....
So, I am sitting in my pew - whichever one I choose to sit in on any given day - and I am waiting to belong, waiting to use my gifts, waiting to be wanted or needed. I guess I will have to wait. If nobody wants my gifts, then I guess God will make use of them elsewhere, or perhaps He doesn't want me to use my gifts right now either.
Jesus is still re-making me. I am still waiting to be filled, used, sent forth and to belong.
Today I went to morning Mass and then later came back and spent a half hour in Adoration. I wanted to spend more time, but my schedule was calling me to move forward, so I did.
I have been praying for a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit on everyone, particularly my parish, my family, myself, and the whole world. This world is currently in so much turmoil that it is only the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us out of it.
In my last blog I talked about wanting to be better. I still want to be better. I want to be a better human being, a better Christian, a better everything. But I am weak. When we are weak Jesus is strong, so I guess in some mysterious way Jesus must be very strong in me right now. I can't tell how and maybe that is not important.
My daily goal is to get up and start my day with Jesus, and then to move through my day trying to be nice and encouraging to everyone, and to be quiet. Being quiet is hard because I like to talk, and to write, as you can see. I guess I mean that I am trying to be verbally quiet. My words that are written are quiet because nobody is required to read them or accept them. Verbally it is a different story because when someone speaks, automatic listening is going on and it is sort of like our verbal words automatically get into someone elses personal hearing space.
I am trying to take a huge step back in many areas of my life and allow God to do what He wants with me. He is still working on me and I am trying to trust. I don't know where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do in regards to "all things church" so I am doing nothing. I started sitting in different pews for Mass. You know how most people have their particular seat? Well I once did - this blog is named after it - the Third Pew..... but now since I'm not sure of my place in the Church - both local and global - I have given up my Third Pew and now am a "roaming Catholic" - moving from pew to pew. Lately I have settled on one of the very last pews. It is a different perspective for sure. That puts everyone in front of me. They can't see me until they turn around for the sign of peace. It is sort of like being in my own little bubble in the back pew. For Sunday Mass however, I sit much closer to the front, but not as close as the Third Pew. My sacred little Third Pew. I miss it.
I am also there in the back pew because I don't know where I belong and I don't feel worthy to be closer to the sanctuary. So, I am working on being better.
Jesus knows my heart. The Holy Spirit knows me through and through. I am trying to trust and listen. I am waiting to belong.....I want to be accepted.....I want to use my gifts for my parish.....
So, I am sitting in my pew - whichever one I choose to sit in on any given day - and I am waiting to belong, waiting to use my gifts, waiting to be wanted or needed. I guess I will have to wait. If nobody wants my gifts, then I guess God will make use of them elsewhere, or perhaps He doesn't want me to use my gifts right now either.
Jesus is still re-making me. I am still waiting to be filled, used, sent forth and to belong.
May 13, 2011
Wanting to be better....
Today I received a magazine from the "Sisters of Life". In this magazine are some beautiful articles. I don't know which sister wrote the following, but I wanted to share it with whoever is reading this blog today:
" Sometimes our friendship with God grows gently over a lifetime. At other times it begins with a striking experience of the beauty and goodness in life or of creation. Frequently, it is in moments of suffering that we experience God's presence and light breaking into our lives and with it an invitation to enter into His friendship. God reaches down into our darkness and pain and offers a hand, a way out. Sometimes it requires an act of trust, a leap of faith, at other times His presence is so tender and consoling that following Him seems easy, even irresistible. If we place our hand in His and begin to walk with Jesus, we find out lives begin to change. We want to be better so that we can receive more of Him, and His love draws us out of the narrow confines of ourselves. Gradually our hearts become purified and we find that we are less self-absorbed and more other-centered. Before we know it, what began as a spark has grown into a fire in our hearts......... Now there is no turning back. After tasting Godiva there is no going back to Hershey's without an awareness of what you are missing. Once we have tasted the sweetness of God's love, our desire for greater union grows until this friendship bvecomes the defining and driving force in our life. Friendship with God gives us the freedom to let go of the fears and grasping that keep us from opening up to Jesus and receiving all that life brings as a gift and mystery to be lived with Him."
I want to be better...........
" Sometimes our friendship with God grows gently over a lifetime. At other times it begins with a striking experience of the beauty and goodness in life or of creation. Frequently, it is in moments of suffering that we experience God's presence and light breaking into our lives and with it an invitation to enter into His friendship. God reaches down into our darkness and pain and offers a hand, a way out. Sometimes it requires an act of trust, a leap of faith, at other times His presence is so tender and consoling that following Him seems easy, even irresistible. If we place our hand in His and begin to walk with Jesus, we find out lives begin to change. We want to be better so that we can receive more of Him, and His love draws us out of the narrow confines of ourselves. Gradually our hearts become purified and we find that we are less self-absorbed and more other-centered. Before we know it, what began as a spark has grown into a fire in our hearts......... Now there is no turning back. After tasting Godiva there is no going back to Hershey's without an awareness of what you are missing. Once we have tasted the sweetness of God's love, our desire for greater union grows until this friendship bvecomes the defining and driving force in our life. Friendship with God gives us the freedom to let go of the fears and grasping that keep us from opening up to Jesus and receiving all that life brings as a gift and mystery to be lived with Him."
I want to be better...........
May 3, 2011
Waiting for the new life of Spring...
The last time I wrote I was on the floor (so to speak). It is a few weeks later and I remain on the floor, but with a different demeanor. I am still on the floor. I am still waiting. I have a little hope and am starting to see the light of resurrection. I am waiting for the Holy Spirit to empower me. To mobilize me. To restore my life.
While I am waiting I am also praying and thinking and reading. I am trying to reach out. There are some who do not know of my struggles, because they are so interior, and I hide them well. There are those who know of my struggles and do not care. There are those few who do care and for them I am eternally grateful. Because without them, I would not be able to even wait.
I'm glad the Easter Season is so long because even though Jesus was able to be resurrected in a flash and in only three days, my resurrection seems to be taking a whole lot longer. And rightly so, for I am not Jesus. I am but one of His lowly creatures.
For whatever reason God brought me into being out of love. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that somehow, there is a gift I have that He wants me to bring to the world. I still don't know what it is because it doesn't matter which way I turn lately, I just hit a wall. I am in a perverbial maze, trying to find my way to the exit. What I will find at the exit, I am not sure, but I hope it is good. I am trusting that it is good.
I am not afraid of the struggle. I know God is with me and for whatever reason this is the journey He has me on. I have to be open. I have to try. I guess this will all make me into a better person if I hang in there long enough. I definitely subscribe to the "wounded healer" philosphy so by the time I am back to being me, I guess I might be a better healer. I just need the new life of Spring to kick in.
These are my thoughts for this morning.
While I am waiting I am also praying and thinking and reading. I am trying to reach out. There are some who do not know of my struggles, because they are so interior, and I hide them well. There are those who know of my struggles and do not care. There are those few who do care and for them I am eternally grateful. Because without them, I would not be able to even wait.
I'm glad the Easter Season is so long because even though Jesus was able to be resurrected in a flash and in only three days, my resurrection seems to be taking a whole lot longer. And rightly so, for I am not Jesus. I am but one of His lowly creatures.
For whatever reason God brought me into being out of love. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that somehow, there is a gift I have that He wants me to bring to the world. I still don't know what it is because it doesn't matter which way I turn lately, I just hit a wall. I am in a perverbial maze, trying to find my way to the exit. What I will find at the exit, I am not sure, but I hope it is good. I am trusting that it is good.
I am not afraid of the struggle. I know God is with me and for whatever reason this is the journey He has me on. I have to be open. I have to try. I guess this will all make me into a better person if I hang in there long enough. I definitely subscribe to the "wounded healer" philosphy so by the time I am back to being me, I guess I might be a better healer. I just need the new life of Spring to kick in.
These are my thoughts for this morning.
Apr 17, 2011
Notes from the floor
In the book of Jeremiah, God talks about tearing down so he will build up. Also in Jeremiah, God presents to us the image of the potter and the clay. If the potter is not satisfied with the pot he is making he starts over. During these last few months, I have been torn down. At this moment, I am laying on the floor (figuratively speaking of course), totally broken, waiting for God to build up and make me into a different pot. The process of being broken was very painful. Right now, laying on the floor, I have nothing to do but wait. I cannot do anything outside of what God is willing for my life right now. So I wait. I wait to be built up. This period of being totally broken, of being "dead", is an interesting one. On one level I am powerless to do anything of my own accord. I can only lay here, surrendered totally to Jesus...waiting. On another level the only thing I can do, if you call it doing much, is pray. I pray to be built up again. I pray for patient endurance. I pray to not fall into despair. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come. Since this is Holy Week and next Sunday we will celebrate the resurrection, I am hoping that God will bless me with a bit of a personal resurrection. I pray that He will take my broken parts and pull them into His very being. If I no longer exist on my own that will be fine...I just need to know I am in His care. If I have Jesus, I have everything...because no matter who comes to destroy me - be it the Church, representatives of the church, my family, society, health issues....as long as I have Jesus, I have everything I need.
Apr 4, 2011
CATHOLICS - Wake up!
Maybe I'm the only one that realizes this, but do you know that the devil has infiltrated the Catholic Church? Have you noticed that there is a disconnect between the people of the church and the clergy? Why is that? It is partly because clergy are busier than usual due to the shortage of priests. I also think that the people in the pews are just as out of touch with Jesus and so what do we have? We have a church that is ripe for the devil to attack, and attack he has....with a vengence. He is doing such incredible damage to the body of Christ and we are letting him do it. By not doing anything, we are condoning his actions and saying "go ahead little devil, do what you will, we give up." You know I am right, don't you? This is my prayer and hope: that clergy will pray for at least an hour on a daily basis and totally surrender themselves to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. This is also my hope for lay people as well. If we only do that each day, our church would be radically different. Until then, the people will continue to have their souls waste away because their clergy have forgotten how to truly minister to their people. Until then, our clergy will be administrators and CEO's of parishes and will not understand the role of a shepherd. Until then, our church will continue to be attacked by the evil one...and someday, we will be accountable to almighty God for having let the little devil have so much power. If I am the only one on the planet, I will continue to surrender each day. If God allows me to be trampled on and broken by all that comes against me, then so be it...for someday He will tell me I have chosen the better part - to surrender and pray. It may cost me my life, but it will be worth it.
Mar 21, 2011
Notes about Prayer
This is what I learned about the nature of prayer and today's world within the last year:
I have to pray more than ever just to "maintain".
Prayer is conversation with God and this takes dedication to a relationship.
Prayer, as with other conversation, takes numerous forms, lengths, and purposes.
The atmosphere I pray in is important to how well I pray ( most of the time ).
A quick shout out to Jesus in the form of "HELP ME!" is just as effective as a long prayer.
Prayer can be painful because I become very vulnerable to God. I have to show him my full wounds in order to be healed.
I have to listen very carefully and become very silent for long periods sometimes in order to hear what Jesus says.
Sometimes I have to deal with Jesus saying nothing.
Prayer is about learning to love, accept, and forgive.
Prayer takes commitment to a time each day, or a couple of times.
Prayer can be a stress reducer sometimes.
Prayer keeps my life in perspective.
The rosary is a great prayer when I can't focus.
Movement in prayer can help too - genuflecting, bowing, kneeling, laying prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament.
Focusing on a picture or statue helps.
These are my thoughts for this cold and rainy lenten evening.
I have to pray more than ever just to "maintain".
Prayer is conversation with God and this takes dedication to a relationship.
Prayer, as with other conversation, takes numerous forms, lengths, and purposes.
The atmosphere I pray in is important to how well I pray ( most of the time ).
A quick shout out to Jesus in the form of "HELP ME!" is just as effective as a long prayer.
Prayer can be painful because I become very vulnerable to God. I have to show him my full wounds in order to be healed.
I have to listen very carefully and become very silent for long periods sometimes in order to hear what Jesus says.
Sometimes I have to deal with Jesus saying nothing.
Prayer is about learning to love, accept, and forgive.
Prayer takes commitment to a time each day, or a couple of times.
Prayer can be a stress reducer sometimes.
Prayer keeps my life in perspective.
The rosary is a great prayer when I can't focus.
Movement in prayer can help too - genuflecting, bowing, kneeling, laying prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament.
Focusing on a picture or statue helps.
These are my thoughts for this cold and rainy lenten evening.
Mar 14, 2011
Happy First Anniversary to my Blog
I just realized that I have been writing this blog for just about a year. WOW. I started this blog about a week or two after getting my gall bladder yanked out of me. I was recuperating from that surgery when I started it.
So much has changed in that time. The best change has to do with my health. I feel stronger and better now than I have in quite a few years. Thank you Jesus for that BIG TIME. I still have to lose some poundage, but that isn't too bad.
Most of the other changes have been negative. There really isn't much that I am enthussed about in my life right now. Everyday presents its own struggles and I move on. In addition, our world is going to Hell in a handbasket,as they say. Wars in the middle easter, Tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and floods abound. My own Catholic church worldwide is being attacked from within by the vilest of evils. Families are being destroyed. The world's economy is tanking and prices are going sky high. Abortion continues. Sin abounds especially in those who don't think sin exists anymore.
All these things have changed since last year. My soul is more fragile than ever. I fall on my knees frequently and try to pray. I know I am in God's presence, but I don't really hear His replies.
Still, I am trying to trust, to be brave, to be patient. My faith tells me there is hope.
A year of blogs is an accomplishment. I hope that some blogs helped others, or at least gave them company. I hope some were blessings. I know it feels good for me to let things out this way - to write my thoughts, opinions, confusions, wonderings and ponderings.
I don't know if anyone is reading this, but perhaps I'm not meant to know. That is okay too.
So much has changed in that time. The best change has to do with my health. I feel stronger and better now than I have in quite a few years. Thank you Jesus for that BIG TIME. I still have to lose some poundage, but that isn't too bad.
Most of the other changes have been negative. There really isn't much that I am enthussed about in my life right now. Everyday presents its own struggles and I move on. In addition, our world is going to Hell in a handbasket,as they say. Wars in the middle easter, Tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and floods abound. My own Catholic church worldwide is being attacked from within by the vilest of evils. Families are being destroyed. The world's economy is tanking and prices are going sky high. Abortion continues. Sin abounds especially in those who don't think sin exists anymore.
All these things have changed since last year. My soul is more fragile than ever. I fall on my knees frequently and try to pray. I know I am in God's presence, but I don't really hear His replies.
Still, I am trying to trust, to be brave, to be patient. My faith tells me there is hope.
A year of blogs is an accomplishment. I hope that some blogs helped others, or at least gave them company. I hope some were blessings. I know it feels good for me to let things out this way - to write my thoughts, opinions, confusions, wonderings and ponderings.
I don't know if anyone is reading this, but perhaps I'm not meant to know. That is okay too.
Mar 13, 2011
Lenten thoughts
I was listening to a sister on EWTN this afternoon. She was talking about joy in suffering. My ears perked up because right now I am undergoing some issues with suffering myself. She seemed to think that if we could be content with the suffering coming our way, then somehow it was heroic virtue, and the suffering could be meaningful and help us grow in holiness.
I am thinking about what she said. We are all called to be saints. I want to be a saint too, although I am so far from it at this point in my life. Saints suffer with a contentment willingly. I don't do it willingly and I don't know how to do it willingly. I need instruction and guidance with this. I suppose it probably has something to do with connecting it with Christ's passion.
I am trying to lift up my suffering for the souls in purgatory. I am trying to see that my suffering is also due to some attacks from the enemy. Some of it is due to attacks from others. Some of it is due to myself. I am praying for deliverance on all three counts. I am praying the prayer of St. Michael. All other prayer has been quite impossible, although I have tried. My lips mouth the prayers, but I can't concentrate on what I am saying.
Today's gospel reading focuses on the Holy Spirit leading Jesus into the desert. I am still in my spiritual desert, but today those words resonated with me because it was the HOLY SPIRIT that led Jesus to the desert, not the evil one.
Here I was blaming my being in the desert to everything but the Holy Spirit. But it is His fault. He has used others and circumstances to plop me into the middle of the desert. He wants me to be in the desert right now just as He wanted Jesus to be in the desert. Jesus rebuked the temptation and attacks. I don't think I've been that strong to be able to do the same. Why does he want me to be in the desert ? Purification perhaps? I need that.
Jesus, please help me through this desert. Send me the help that I need. Give me courage if no help will be forthcoming. Please preserve my spiritual life and my relationship with the Church that I love.
I am thinking about what she said. We are all called to be saints. I want to be a saint too, although I am so far from it at this point in my life. Saints suffer with a contentment willingly. I don't do it willingly and I don't know how to do it willingly. I need instruction and guidance with this. I suppose it probably has something to do with connecting it with Christ's passion.
I am trying to lift up my suffering for the souls in purgatory. I am trying to see that my suffering is also due to some attacks from the enemy. Some of it is due to attacks from others. Some of it is due to myself. I am praying for deliverance on all three counts. I am praying the prayer of St. Michael. All other prayer has been quite impossible, although I have tried. My lips mouth the prayers, but I can't concentrate on what I am saying.
Today's gospel reading focuses on the Holy Spirit leading Jesus into the desert. I am still in my spiritual desert, but today those words resonated with me because it was the HOLY SPIRIT that led Jesus to the desert, not the evil one.
Here I was blaming my being in the desert to everything but the Holy Spirit. But it is His fault. He has used others and circumstances to plop me into the middle of the desert. He wants me to be in the desert right now just as He wanted Jesus to be in the desert. Jesus rebuked the temptation and attacks. I don't think I've been that strong to be able to do the same. Why does he want me to be in the desert ? Purification perhaps? I need that.
Jesus, please help me through this desert. Send me the help that I need. Give me courage if no help will be forthcoming. Please preserve my spiritual life and my relationship with the Church that I love.
Feb 25, 2011
Stupid is as Stupid does
I have discovered that people will listen to anyone who speaks with authority, no matter how erroneous or stupid their point of view might be. Many in the world are truly sheep without a shepherd. That is how Hitler got so popular....he had a strong voice and was arrogant. He took control and people just blindly followed him. They were looking for a leader and had no real moral compass within their hearts. So they blindly, and stupidly followed. Pride comes before the fall as they say.
So what are we to do? We have to pray and discern so when the wolf comes in sheep's clothing, we will know not to follow, and likewise, that we will know who to follow.
The problem: People don't take time for silence, for self-reflection, and most importantly, for prayer.
The result: a lot of stupid people following stupid leaders.
So what are we to do? We have to pray and discern so when the wolf comes in sheep's clothing, we will know not to follow, and likewise, that we will know who to follow.
The problem: People don't take time for silence, for self-reflection, and most importantly, for prayer.
The result: a lot of stupid people following stupid leaders.
Feb 10, 2011
1,000,000,000 Piece Puzzle
Lately I've been trying to put the pieces of my Life puzzle together. It is certainly a task of gargantuan proportions. However, I am making progress. Jesus is at the center of my life and of my life puzzle.
Once upon a time my Life Puzzle was all put together. It was all connected and sat proudly on display on a sturdy card table. Then one day out of the blue, someone walked by and knocked the table over. The puzzle slid off and crashed onto the floor. There were puzzle pieces everywhere....some even under the couch, or the corner of the rug. Some might even be lost forever.
Regardless of the mess and the anger and sadness I felt about my Life puzzle coming apart, I knew I had to get busy and try to put it together again. After all, it was once together so it can be together again. This is my hope anyway.
I am working on the puzzle. In rebuilding it, I am finding that it is a bit harder is taking more time than I thought. I have a chunk of it done now. I still have more to do. I can see Jesus in the middle again, but the part of the puzzle that has the two of us fully united is still missing. I can only see a part of myself in the puzzle. The part of my Life puzzle with the church in it is still quite incomplete too.
The puzzle will get done. I am sure of that. I just wish I had a few more people to help me put it together. It also would go faster if I had more support, validation, and encouragement.
It would also be good if I could feel that putting my Life Puzzle back together ultimately mattered to someone other than myself.
Once upon a time my Life Puzzle was all put together. It was all connected and sat proudly on display on a sturdy card table. Then one day out of the blue, someone walked by and knocked the table over. The puzzle slid off and crashed onto the floor. There were puzzle pieces everywhere....some even under the couch, or the corner of the rug. Some might even be lost forever.
Regardless of the mess and the anger and sadness I felt about my Life puzzle coming apart, I knew I had to get busy and try to put it together again. After all, it was once together so it can be together again. This is my hope anyway.
I am working on the puzzle. In rebuilding it, I am finding that it is a bit harder is taking more time than I thought. I have a chunk of it done now. I still have more to do. I can see Jesus in the middle again, but the part of the puzzle that has the two of us fully united is still missing. I can only see a part of myself in the puzzle. The part of my Life puzzle with the church in it is still quite incomplete too.
The puzzle will get done. I am sure of that. I just wish I had a few more people to help me put it together. It also would go faster if I had more support, validation, and encouragement.
It would also be good if I could feel that putting my Life Puzzle back together ultimately mattered to someone other than myself.
Feb 4, 2011
A mirage or an oasis?
From out here in the Sahara of my soul, I am starting to see something in front of my spiritual eyes, and there is a feeling arising within me. However, I don't want to trust my feelings because they can be deceptive sometimes. Still though, some say to "go with your gut". Sometimes I say that too.
I've had a couple of moments this week of thinking I can see something in the desert. The thing is, I don't know if it is a real oasis, or a mirage - a figment of my imagination or something that I want to see so badly that I'm letting my mind's eyes manufacture it. I have to discern this further.
Lately my wandering in the desert has had me walking in circles. Just when I think I'm getting closer to leaving it, I find myself smack dab back in the middle. It can be frustrating. There are glimpses of hope and release, but then just as soon as they are there, they are gone again. It is like I'm being teased, and I don't think that can be of God. God doesn't play games like that. The evil one does.
So, I am waiting. Some days it is like I'm sitting alone. Other days I know Jesus is nearby, just not visible. Other days the Eucharist speaks volumes to me and reaches into my desert space for a short time. Those moments are oxygen for my soul. (Manna from Heaven for one wandering in the desert.) Sometimes I might even have a visit from a couple of sheep and find a shepherdesses staff in my arms, but there is no direction provided for me to lead the sheep. I feel so inadequate to be given this responsibility. So, I find myself waiting with my little spiritual flock of sheep in silence, and I talk to them and let them know I am confused. They do not wander away from me because they are relying on me, and yet I have nothing to give them. So, we are hanging out together, waiting and praying. This may not make sense to the reader, but it makes sense to me.
I am waiting. I am praying. I am trying to understand and discern. I am hungrily grabbing any spiritual food that comes my way in order that I may not starve, but it flows through me and leaves, as if in a seive. I have been asking for spiritual sustenance in ways other than the Eucharist. I think I have been quite clear about my needs. However, it seems like my little baby-bird-in-the-nest tweets to Mother Church seem to fall on deaf ears these days; but that may just be because I am deaf myself, and perhaps blind too.
Perhaps Jesus is speaking loudly to me right now and I cannot hear Him? Perhaps it is my sinfulness getting in the way? Perhaps it is my state of mind and the confusion I tend to experience often? Perhaps though, the church is just not able to respond to my needs at this time because it is a bit out of reach, a bit exclusive, a bit of a clique ? I don't know. I should not try to analyze things so much.
I am trying to just BE in his presence and to be patient. Since I continue to exist, I know He is thinking of me and I should be satisfied with that. Perhaps just knowing He is thinking of me is my oasis..... sigh........I don't know.
Anyway, these are my thoughts for this evening. I am feeling confusion coming upon me now so I better stop.
I've had a couple of moments this week of thinking I can see something in the desert. The thing is, I don't know if it is a real oasis, or a mirage - a figment of my imagination or something that I want to see so badly that I'm letting my mind's eyes manufacture it. I have to discern this further.
Lately my wandering in the desert has had me walking in circles. Just when I think I'm getting closer to leaving it, I find myself smack dab back in the middle. It can be frustrating. There are glimpses of hope and release, but then just as soon as they are there, they are gone again. It is like I'm being teased, and I don't think that can be of God. God doesn't play games like that. The evil one does.
So, I am waiting. Some days it is like I'm sitting alone. Other days I know Jesus is nearby, just not visible. Other days the Eucharist speaks volumes to me and reaches into my desert space for a short time. Those moments are oxygen for my soul. (Manna from Heaven for one wandering in the desert.) Sometimes I might even have a visit from a couple of sheep and find a shepherdesses staff in my arms, but there is no direction provided for me to lead the sheep. I feel so inadequate to be given this responsibility. So, I find myself waiting with my little spiritual flock of sheep in silence, and I talk to them and let them know I am confused. They do not wander away from me because they are relying on me, and yet I have nothing to give them. So, we are hanging out together, waiting and praying. This may not make sense to the reader, but it makes sense to me.
I am waiting. I am praying. I am trying to understand and discern. I am hungrily grabbing any spiritual food that comes my way in order that I may not starve, but it flows through me and leaves, as if in a seive. I have been asking for spiritual sustenance in ways other than the Eucharist. I think I have been quite clear about my needs. However, it seems like my little baby-bird-in-the-nest tweets to Mother Church seem to fall on deaf ears these days; but that may just be because I am deaf myself, and perhaps blind too.
Perhaps Jesus is speaking loudly to me right now and I cannot hear Him? Perhaps it is my sinfulness getting in the way? Perhaps it is my state of mind and the confusion I tend to experience often? Perhaps though, the church is just not able to respond to my needs at this time because it is a bit out of reach, a bit exclusive, a bit of a clique ? I don't know. I should not try to analyze things so much.
I am trying to just BE in his presence and to be patient. Since I continue to exist, I know He is thinking of me and I should be satisfied with that. Perhaps just knowing He is thinking of me is my oasis..... sigh........I don't know.
Anyway, these are my thoughts for this evening. I am feeling confusion coming upon me now so I better stop.
Jan 27, 2011
The Soul in Winter
This should really be entitled "My Soul in Winter", but it is what it is. I am writing this in the deepest and coldest part of winter. I am in winter in the outside world, and winter in my interior, personal, spiritual world. It is cold no matter how I look at it.
I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of the snow. I'm tired of shoveling snow. I'm tired of closed windows. I'm tired of being tired. I have very little energy. My mind feels as slushy as the snow in the gutters these days.
In December I went on a day of reflection and went to confession. The priest said that I should go to confession more often. So I went again on January 1. At that time, I brought this up to my confessor ( a different priest ) because I wasn't sure what "more often" meant. He suggested maybe every 4 - 6 weeks, so I will do that. Knowing I will be going to confession so often is making me more aware of my sinfulness because I know the next time I have to go and reveal all is coming soon. I do hope the graces of confession kick in soon.
So, here I am....deep in the heart of winter. I am in "hibernation mode", but I long for warmth, enthusiasm, community, joy, sunshine, t-shirts instead of winter coats, driving with the car windows open, sitting by the beach and watching sunsets, and all those other things.
My Soul in Winter longs to be the Soul in Springtime.
I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of the snow. I'm tired of shoveling snow. I'm tired of closed windows. I'm tired of being tired. I have very little energy. My mind feels as slushy as the snow in the gutters these days.
In December I went on a day of reflection and went to confession. The priest said that I should go to confession more often. So I went again on January 1. At that time, I brought this up to my confessor ( a different priest ) because I wasn't sure what "more often" meant. He suggested maybe every 4 - 6 weeks, so I will do that. Knowing I will be going to confession so often is making me more aware of my sinfulness because I know the next time I have to go and reveal all is coming soon. I do hope the graces of confession kick in soon.
So, here I am....deep in the heart of winter. I am in "hibernation mode", but I long for warmth, enthusiasm, community, joy, sunshine, t-shirts instead of winter coats, driving with the car windows open, sitting by the beach and watching sunsets, and all those other things.
My Soul in Winter longs to be the Soul in Springtime.
Jan 23, 2011
A Message from the Sahara
I have come to the conclusion that a Dark Night of the Soul is different from being in a Spiritual Desert.
I have also come to see that a Spiritual Desert is the place that Jesus puts a person in order to rescue, or protect them, or take them out of, the Dark Night of the Soul. It is a step up, so to speak. One step closer to freedom, although it may not really feel like it.
The Dark Night of the Soul is depression, sadness, being on the edge of despair, and it is a place where the devil attacks a person. It is a tormented place, full of fear, full of begging for help and not getting any relief. It is sort of a little hell on earth. A warning perhaps of what could really be for a person for all eternity? A test....maybe? A field day for the devil....most definitely.
A person can be plucked out of the Dark Night and plunked down in the middle of the desert, far away from the devil...and everything else too. (So we are plucked and then plunked.) The Dark Night of the Soul and a Spiritual Desert may seem to be the same from the outside, but from the inside they are two very distinct places w/ distinct purposes. This has been my experience, and is currently my experience, if you ask me. (I know, no one is asking, but I'm saying it anyway.)
A Dark Night of the Soul can destroy you, while a Spiritual Desert, which is also a difficult place to be, has the capacity to give rest and respite. It is a place of waiting....sort of a Purgatory on earth, if you will.
In the Dark Night of the Soul one can feel like there is no hope at all. In the Spiritual Desert, it is more of a place of waiting for hope to be restored. In the desert, Jesus has taken all the turmoil that was present in the Dark Night and removed it.
In the desert, a person is alone with their thoughts and it is so quiet and still that you can hear your thoughts clearly, no matter how uncomfortable they are. In the Dark Night, one can't hear their own thoughts due to the din that the devil is creating.
The desert can be hot in the daytime, and cold in the night time. The desert is a very lonely place. But I am finding out that the desert is more than just sand and wild temperature changes. The desert is quiet, sometimes too quiet, but since God speaks in a still small voice, then I guess that is okay because if one listens close enough, God might just say something.
Days and nights in the desert each bring about their own challenges. The day time heat brings about wrestling, anger, begging for relief, starvation and thirst. The desert sun is blinding. But the nights are just as challenging. The desert nights are cold and very lonely. The wind whistles in an eerie way and the sand gets in one's eyes. There are no blankets and it is scary.
In the desert, the best times are dawn and sunset, because both bring some relief from the preceeding night or day's ordeals. But still, the desert is a step up from the Dark Night of the Soul because, occasionally in the desert, an oasis appears. It seems that the Holy Spirit knows just how far one can be pushed and just when you think you are at your wit's end and will expire, an oasis appears.
Sometimes the oasis can include a Eucharistic moment, or an angel, or a special word of encouragement. These are things that help one see that the desert will not last forever, and as soon as the lessons that need to be learned are actually learned, then the person is released from the desert. This is my hope anyway.
I am praying and sacrificing and trying to tolerate and learn, and I am praying for another oasis and for freedom. I long to return to the garden where refreshment abounds and where hope and optimism and faith are abundant once again.
Signing off from somewhere deep in the Sahara......
I have also come to see that a Spiritual Desert is the place that Jesus puts a person in order to rescue, or protect them, or take them out of, the Dark Night of the Soul. It is a step up, so to speak. One step closer to freedom, although it may not really feel like it.
The Dark Night of the Soul is depression, sadness, being on the edge of despair, and it is a place where the devil attacks a person. It is a tormented place, full of fear, full of begging for help and not getting any relief. It is sort of a little hell on earth. A warning perhaps of what could really be for a person for all eternity? A test....maybe? A field day for the devil....most definitely.
A person can be plucked out of the Dark Night and plunked down in the middle of the desert, far away from the devil...and everything else too. (So we are plucked and then plunked.) The Dark Night of the Soul and a Spiritual Desert may seem to be the same from the outside, but from the inside they are two very distinct places w/ distinct purposes. This has been my experience, and is currently my experience, if you ask me. (I know, no one is asking, but I'm saying it anyway.)
A Dark Night of the Soul can destroy you, while a Spiritual Desert, which is also a difficult place to be, has the capacity to give rest and respite. It is a place of waiting....sort of a Purgatory on earth, if you will.
In the Dark Night of the Soul one can feel like there is no hope at all. In the Spiritual Desert, it is more of a place of waiting for hope to be restored. In the desert, Jesus has taken all the turmoil that was present in the Dark Night and removed it.
In the desert, a person is alone with their thoughts and it is so quiet and still that you can hear your thoughts clearly, no matter how uncomfortable they are. In the Dark Night, one can't hear their own thoughts due to the din that the devil is creating.
The desert can be hot in the daytime, and cold in the night time. The desert is a very lonely place. But I am finding out that the desert is more than just sand and wild temperature changes. The desert is quiet, sometimes too quiet, but since God speaks in a still small voice, then I guess that is okay because if one listens close enough, God might just say something.
Days and nights in the desert each bring about their own challenges. The day time heat brings about wrestling, anger, begging for relief, starvation and thirst. The desert sun is blinding. But the nights are just as challenging. The desert nights are cold and very lonely. The wind whistles in an eerie way and the sand gets in one's eyes. There are no blankets and it is scary.
In the desert, the best times are dawn and sunset, because both bring some relief from the preceeding night or day's ordeals. But still, the desert is a step up from the Dark Night of the Soul because, occasionally in the desert, an oasis appears. It seems that the Holy Spirit knows just how far one can be pushed and just when you think you are at your wit's end and will expire, an oasis appears.
Sometimes the oasis can include a Eucharistic moment, or an angel, or a special word of encouragement. These are things that help one see that the desert will not last forever, and as soon as the lessons that need to be learned are actually learned, then the person is released from the desert. This is my hope anyway.
I am praying and sacrificing and trying to tolerate and learn, and I am praying for another oasis and for freedom. I long to return to the garden where refreshment abounds and where hope and optimism and faith are abundant once again.
Signing off from somewhere deep in the Sahara......
Jan 14, 2011
The Sahara of the Soul: Take 1
I am a person who tries hard. Whatever it is...I put sincere effort into things. Sometimes too much. Sometimes I put too much heart into things. I let them mean too much to me and then it all backfires. I want people to understand that my heart is in the right place and I guess sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is dangerous. At least for me.
I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?
Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.
I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.
To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.
I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.
I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.
I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?
Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.
I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.
To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.
I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.
I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.
Jan 5, 2011
My Soap Box
Well, it is 2011. 2010 is history. Praise God. Let' see what the new year will bring and may it all be good.
It is so sad because I love the Catholic church with my entire heart. It is who I am: a Catholic. Yet, so many times I find our beloved church very cold. I don't mean the room temperature. I mean the people. Maybe it is because the individual parishes are so large? Maybe it is because there aren't as many priests in parishes as before? Maybe it is because the members and the clergy are too secular, too busy, too selfish, to look beyond the front of their noses? Maybe nobody cares ? I have considered all of these to be possible reasons why our churches are so much lacking in community, or a desire for community.
Going to church today, for many, is like going to the drive through at McDonalds. People expect quick service only when they ask for it and then they leave, and they want to be able to have a coupon so it doesn't cost them so much commitment. They are not interested in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, time in personal silent reflection, time in reading, time in having calm, relaxed, discussions with other parishioners and their priests and sisters. Oh, and where are the nuns these days?
END OF MY SOAPBOX FOR TONIGHT.
It is so sad because I love the Catholic church with my entire heart. It is who I am: a Catholic. Yet, so many times I find our beloved church very cold. I don't mean the room temperature. I mean the people. Maybe it is because the individual parishes are so large? Maybe it is because there aren't as many priests in parishes as before? Maybe it is because the members and the clergy are too secular, too busy, too selfish, to look beyond the front of their noses? Maybe nobody cares ? I have considered all of these to be possible reasons why our churches are so much lacking in community, or a desire for community.
Going to church today, for many, is like going to the drive through at McDonalds. People expect quick service only when they ask for it and then they leave, and they want to be able to have a coupon so it doesn't cost them so much commitment. They are not interested in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, time in personal silent reflection, time in reading, time in having calm, relaxed, discussions with other parishioners and their priests and sisters. Oh, and where are the nuns these days?
END OF MY SOAPBOX FOR TONIGHT.
Dec 31, 2010
The End is Near
It is the last few hours of 2010. I am so glad. This year was a difficult one for myself, and for many others who I know and do not know.
To be honest, I am losing some steam with this blog. It is not that I am running out of things to say, but right now I do not have much interest in sharing how I am doing and what I think about things. And that is because I don't think that my thoughts matter to anyone other than myself and God.
I will say that tonight, the last night of the year, is not a total bust. I went to see the new Narnia movie and really liked it and I am going to midnight Mass, so will end and start the year off in the best way I possibly can.
I leave you this short prayer that I wrote a few months ago. "Jesus, help me to forgive as you forgive."
May God have mercy on our souls.
To be honest, I am losing some steam with this blog. It is not that I am running out of things to say, but right now I do not have much interest in sharing how I am doing and what I think about things. And that is because I don't think that my thoughts matter to anyone other than myself and God.
I will say that tonight, the last night of the year, is not a total bust. I went to see the new Narnia movie and really liked it and I am going to midnight Mass, so will end and start the year off in the best way I possibly can.
I leave you this short prayer that I wrote a few months ago. "Jesus, help me to forgive as you forgive."
May God have mercy on our souls.
Dec 17, 2010
The Only Safe Place
The only safe place I have right now is before the Blessed Sacrament. Even there, I have to concentrate with all of my being on the One who knows and sees all, and it takes upwards of an hour to settle my soul enough.
Beyond the space of the Blessed Sacrament, just over some imaginary line, lies the cold cruel world. I can't see the line, but I can feel it. My soul recognizes it at such a deep level the minute I cross over the line. The minute I am just a little away from the Blessed Sacrament, I am assaulted once again, and the assaults are deeply interior and I fight with all I have within me.
I wish I could stay there in Jesus' presence forever. Even though I don't feel his presence, I know he is there. He is hiding on me these days, but even though he seems so absent from me, I know he is there.
To Whom Else Can I Go, Lord? You have the Words of Eternal Life. I am nothing without you. You breathed me into being and the very essence of my life is in your hands. Please don't let me go. Please rescue me.
So, I wait. I pray. I wait some more. When will the light return in my soul? This is the question I ask. Will it ever return?
Why is God leaving me open to the wolf who is in swift pursuit ? Will I fall into a pit or be eaten alive as I try and run away? The traps are many.
Once again, I am learning a valuable lesson in life. The lesson is too private to write on this blog though, so for you ( whoever you are and if you even "are"), it will remain a mystery.
Beyond the space of the Blessed Sacrament, just over some imaginary line, lies the cold cruel world. I can't see the line, but I can feel it. My soul recognizes it at such a deep level the minute I cross over the line. The minute I am just a little away from the Blessed Sacrament, I am assaulted once again, and the assaults are deeply interior and I fight with all I have within me.
I wish I could stay there in Jesus' presence forever. Even though I don't feel his presence, I know he is there. He is hiding on me these days, but even though he seems so absent from me, I know he is there.
To Whom Else Can I Go, Lord? You have the Words of Eternal Life. I am nothing without you. You breathed me into being and the very essence of my life is in your hands. Please don't let me go. Please rescue me.
So, I wait. I pray. I wait some more. When will the light return in my soul? This is the question I ask. Will it ever return?
Why is God leaving me open to the wolf who is in swift pursuit ? Will I fall into a pit or be eaten alive as I try and run away? The traps are many.
Once again, I am learning a valuable lesson in life. The lesson is too private to write on this blog though, so for you ( whoever you are and if you even "are"), it will remain a mystery.
Dec 4, 2010
Poetry in Motion
Floating through space
trying to grab onto my Church
but it floats one way
and I, another.
Like a nightmare
things are suddenly twisted
like a practical joke
played on my soul
everyone says things are normal
but they aren't.
What was once interesting,
is now boring.
Unsure of who to trust,
feeling shy and alone.
Needing nourishment,
begging for it actually.
Reaching out
like a bird for a worm.
I ask for bread.
I get stones.
People think they are giving me bread.
That is the twist to it all.
What will help?
Understanding only goes so far.
Time? Perhaps.
Prayer? a possiblity.
Why do some people
automatically belong
and others have to fight for it?
Today a friend said to me
you have to "fight for the joy".
I was praying "grant me joy",
but that was wrong.
Today, in our church
we DO have to fight for the joy.
Assaults come from every direction.
It is not just the gates of hell
pounding without,
but now the pounding is from within.
More silence is needed.
More prayer.
More praise, but nobody does.
I have to find the strength
to fight for the joy,
to belong,
to be nourished.
My sinfulness is to blame perhaps?
My inadequacy to understand and accept, perhaps?
My arrogance? My stupidity?
There again, I am lost.
An image arrives just now in my mind:
I am like a fish tossed on the beach
gasping for air
flopping around, eyes bugged out.
Is there not anyone
who will help throw me back
into the sea?
trying to grab onto my Church
but it floats one way
and I, another.
Like a nightmare
things are suddenly twisted
like a practical joke
played on my soul
everyone says things are normal
but they aren't.
What was once interesting,
is now boring.
Unsure of who to trust,
feeling shy and alone.
Needing nourishment,
begging for it actually.
Reaching out
like a bird for a worm.
I ask for bread.
I get stones.
People think they are giving me bread.
That is the twist to it all.
What will help?
Understanding only goes so far.
Time? Perhaps.
Prayer? a possiblity.
Why do some people
automatically belong
and others have to fight for it?
Today a friend said to me
you have to "fight for the joy".
I was praying "grant me joy",
but that was wrong.
Today, in our church
we DO have to fight for the joy.
Assaults come from every direction.
It is not just the gates of hell
pounding without,
but now the pounding is from within.
More silence is needed.
More prayer.
More praise, but nobody does.
I have to find the strength
to fight for the joy,
to belong,
to be nourished.
My sinfulness is to blame perhaps?
My inadequacy to understand and accept, perhaps?
My arrogance? My stupidity?
There again, I am lost.
An image arrives just now in my mind:
I am like a fish tossed on the beach
gasping for air
flopping around, eyes bugged out.
Is there not anyone
who will help throw me back
into the sea?
Dec 2, 2010
Sitting on the sidelines...
Ya never know how the day is going to play out when you get out of bed in the morning. You can have a set agenda in your mind only to have it usurped the minute your feet hit the floor.
That is what my day was like. I will spare the details, but I will say that things are not "normal" anymore. It doesn't matter where I go....things just don't seem normal to me.
Mass is not the same. Literally.
My J.O.B. is not the same. Literally.
My activities out of work are not the same. Literally.
It is amazing how life can change so fast.
Right now, I do not belong anywhere.
I don't belong at church, at work, or with my family.
What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen?
Whatever the case, I think the devil is havng a big belly laugh at me right now.
However, the devil will have to eat a hat eventually because God will reign supreme as always.
I feel like an alien in a foreign land.
I know the language and the money system, but that is about it.
I need to be spirituallly nourished.
Yes, I have Jesus in the eucharist and I know He alone should suffice.
But this world is so tough. I also need a community.
I need to not sit alone at Mass.
I need to have a spirutal guidance.
Right now I feel like my only community is on EWTN.
Isn't that sad? A community in a little black box called a TV.
That is what my day was like. I will spare the details, but I will say that things are not "normal" anymore. It doesn't matter where I go....things just don't seem normal to me.
Mass is not the same. Literally.
My J.O.B. is not the same. Literally.
My activities out of work are not the same. Literally.
It is amazing how life can change so fast.
Right now, I do not belong anywhere.
I don't belong at church, at work, or with my family.
What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen?
Whatever the case, I think the devil is havng a big belly laugh at me right now.
However, the devil will have to eat a hat eventually because God will reign supreme as always.
I feel like an alien in a foreign land.
I know the language and the money system, but that is about it.
I need to be spirituallly nourished.
Yes, I have Jesus in the eucharist and I know He alone should suffice.
But this world is so tough. I also need a community.
I need to not sit alone at Mass.
I need to have a spirutal guidance.
Right now I feel like my only community is on EWTN.
Isn't that sad? A community in a little black box called a TV.
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