"....And what Heaven is Calling us to do....."

I just finished reading a book called "The Secrets, Chastisement, and Triumph of the two hearts of Jesus and Mary, And what Heaven is calling us to do" by Kelly Bowring, w/ the Imprimatur of Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal. A friend let me borrow it and I read it mainly because of the Imprimatur. I also read it to see if it would increase my faith and to discuss it with her.

The title basically states what it is about. It was interesting. I had some questions throughout my reading, but what I found most interesting was how often the different apparations and prophesies were in sync with one another.

Anyway, if it is truth, then we are certainly soon going to be in for a great adventure of faith.

I agreed with a lot of what it said because I think we are living some of it now: natural disasters, the breakdown of the family, a lack of faith and especially lack of belief in the Real Presence, the purification and challenges that have come upon the church, etc....

My prayer then, is for Jesus to help me keep my faith strong so I will not be deceived, and that I may be part of the "remnant" it talked about. I want to go to Heaven. I want to always be with Jesus. So I ask for the grace to make the right decisions in the days, months, and years to come, and may I somehow be a light, however small, to others who are also on this journey of faith.

Come, Lord Jesus....I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

On Being a Fool

One of my most profound, and initial, experiences of Jesus happened when I was almost 16 years old. That is when my faith took off. I had been brought up in the church since the age of 3. I was baptized as an infant but didn't go to church until 3 years old ( that's another story ).

As a teen I jumped full force into my Catholic faith and the Person of Jesus. I read everything I could. Talked to priests and sisters and adults I trusted about our faith. It was an exciting time. I was an enthusiastic new disciple of Jesus and lots of cool things happened back then.

As I grew in faith and people figured out that my faith was not just an adolescent phase, but took real hold of my life, I received lots of reactions. My grandmother told me that if I got too much into my faith I would go crazy so I better be careful to moderate things. My family thought I was a "Jesus freak" and put up with my enthusiasm or tried to ignore me. It depended on the day. My church at that time, embraced me whole heartedly. I was very involved. It was wonderful. I belonged and was accepted and wanted. (Those were the days!). I had so many wonderful experiences.

I was a teen who took the things that adults told me seriously. I held on to their every word - homilies, sharings, and in the books they told me to read. In time, I guess you could say that the student excelled the master. I grew up and continued to be deeply interested in my faith, even considering being a nun off and on. People pretty much expected that would happen to me, but it didn't. Whenever I went down a road towards some religious order I hit a dead end. The answer was no.

A friend told me a couple of months ago that I am the "most Catholic Catholic" that she has ever known. My faith means everything to me. I really don't care if people think I am a fool or not. I am not ashamed of my faith and I like to think that I don't impose it on anyone either. I am just me. The Catholic lingo is a part of my daily verbage. I wear a crucifix. I have a rosary hanging on a small bulletin board next to my desk, along with prayers and a picture of a monstrance.

Some think I am too Catholic, if that is possible. Personally, I don't think I am Catholic enough. I have questions and struggles about some Catholic things. Take the Latin Mass for instance. I have major trouble with understanding "all things Latin and backwards". I have tried so hard to get it and I just can't. I have asked for help with this but have gotten very little so I have let it go. At this time I declare that I am "neutral" when it comes to Latin things. I have no opinion anymore. I have issues w/ the church not being friendly enough or welcoming enough. I could be a much better Catholic and I am striving to be better, but I have my struggles.

But, if you take all of that out, yes, many would say I am a fool for Christ. I think my co-workers think I'm a little foolish for going to Mass so often and for going back to church at the end of the day for quiet prayer time. Some think I would have more "fun" if I weren't such a devout Catholic. In their minds there are a lot of things I won't do because I am a Catholic that they think are fun: drinking a lot, seeing movies and other entertainment that are not in sync with my faith, using certain words or gestures, etc..... As a result they think I am rather foolish because I'm missing out a lot of secular fun.

Everyone in my immediate family thinks I am a fool. They tend to think that it is okay to be Catholic as long as a person doesn't take it to heart. You know....it is okay to miss Mass and not go to confession for years and years. It is okay to be Catholic as long as it doesn't stop you from doing what you want to do, however inappropriate. Feel free to curse and do other sinful things and then go to Mass and go to Holy Communion without going to confession first. In short: if your faith affects the rest of your life too much, then you are weird and a fool.

So, call me a fool. A fool for Christ. I am a sinner like everyone else, but I love Jesus with my whole heart and I wake up each day and try very hard not to sin. Still, thanks to the human condition and the effects of original sin, I still fall into sin. It will be that way until I die. But I can try. In trying to do better, and to be better, I will mess up. But I can't give up.

I'm okay being a fool for Christ. He is the only One I'm trying to please anyway, so as long as He is happy with my efforts, then that is all that matters.

A lady in waiting ( so to speak ).....

I just don't know what God wants me to do. I used to know His will for my life. These last few years have been very stressful - overly stressful - to the point that I came "this close" to utter despair. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to rise each day and carry out my duties.

Then, on the Wednesday before Holy Week, God started to act. I went to a talk and a healing servcie with a friend. The talk was by this cool priest from Africa. Anyway, afterwards they had exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and annointing. I went up, knelt down, and the priest (not the one from Africa, the pastor of the parish) layed hands on my head and prayed for me. As he lifted his arm to place his hand on my head, I could see the monstrance, only feet away from me on the altar. From my heart, I begged Jesus to "please" do something. After a minute, with the priest's hand still on my head. I felt something lift from me. It was a physical feeling that went diagonal from my waist all the way up my body, through my head and out. It was very strange. I just knew the Holy Spirit was doing something.

I went back to my seat and for the first time in months and months, I felt peace. After that moment, things started to change for me. I started to move away from despair and towards hope. It was, and is, a slow process. Right now I am "neutral". I'm still waiting for the joy of Christ to come back in my life, but I am headed in the right direction. I think I am anyway.

So, in this neutral place I am waiting on the Lord. I am trying to be quiet ( and not always having the best luck with that ) and I am trying to be humble and patient. I am praying that I will know His will for my life again. I can't wait for the joy to come back. It has been so long.

I have been thinking........what would help? What do I need to do and what does the world / church have to do to assist me. Then I think, "Who am I that I should expect God, the world, or the church, to assist me.......a mere dot of bacteria on the back of a worm?" But still, I have hope of expectations. I would hope that God would move swiftly to let me know His will, but He is God and His mind is bigger than mine, so I have to wait. I would hope that the world would be gentle with me for I am a rather sensitive person, but I 99.9% know that something like that will not happen. I would hope that the church, most of all, would have mercy and hospitality towards me, but I'm not holding my breath for that one either.

If the Catholic church, which I love with my entire heart, would learn how to be more hospitable, welcoming, loving, and friendly, then sooooo many people would never leave it. It is easy to feel alone in the Catholic church.

Anyway, enough of that. I just want my joy back. I want a sense of community in the church. I want to know God's will. This is my hope. I probably deserve none of that, but still I wait and ask.

I am so very far from attaining sainthood that it just isn't funny..... but I am a lady in waiting......and perhaps if I do a good job waiting, then that will count for something.

I have a sign on my computer printer that reads: "I'm just trying to make my life count for something." That just about summarizes it. Have a blessed night.

Reflections on the Great Flood

Do you ever think that God gets tired of dealing with us? Do you think that perhaps that was why he made the great Flood and destroyed everyone but Noah, his family, and the animals? He promised He would never do it again.... but do you think He gets tired of us? Do you think He thinks we are a bunch of whiners who can never get "it" right?

No. His love is so great and so perfect, that I'm sure He must've wept when all the people perished in the Great Flood. I guess sometimes death has to be a consequence for sinful behavior.

There are different kinds of death you know...there is the physical death that everyone will face at one point. There is a spiritual death when someone is going through a spiritual desert. There is the kind of death one experiences when a relationship or a job ends. Gosh...even getting a haircut is a death of sorts. (It is for me anyway.) Death ends things. But there is always something new after a death. Even physical death isn't final.....it is just a passage into another part of eternity.

I have experienced so many kinds of death these last several years. It has been exhausting, but now I'm in that transition phase between death and the next chapter of my life. I am still in the waiting phase. It has stopped being painful. Now it is just sort of an awareness that I'm waiting and an acceptance too. I have been grossly humbled by humanity as well as God. There is nothing left for me to do except to wait and pray.

So, that is what I am doing: waiting and praying. It is not a passive waiting though. I am praying a lot. I am thinking a lot, and reflecting. I am reading a lot. I am trying to listen. I am trying to be mindful of how God might be moving around me. I am trying to trust, but it is hard because so much trust has been broken on so many levels.

I have learned some hard lessons these last several years. I have learned that not everyone is who they appear to be. I have learned that human love stinks and only God's love is truly Real. I have learned that as much as we are called to be a community, we are often left alone. I have learned that I can be very resourceful and that even though nobody really seems to want my small amount of gifts and talents, that they are still there waiting to be put to good use.

It is like the novel that starts..."It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." These last few years have been the worst of times for obvious reasons. But in the intensity of the "worseness" of these times, an equally intense purification is taking place. The purification might lead to the "best of times". It feels like perhaps a Purgatory on earth. It is like my soul is a lush garden and God has been weeding and some of the flowers have been pulled up along with the weeds and there are now bare spots. In time perhaps God will plant new things and even things that are more beautiful than what was there before. Maybe the plants will be hardier.

I have experienced my own personal Great Flood these last years. Many parts of me have been drowned. What is left floats and waits in the little ark that is my soul. Waiting for the dove to bring back an olive branch.

.....I'm watching for a rainbow to signify that the Great Flood is over and land has been found. Then I will step out of the ark and start my life anew.

Remains of My Sacred Little Third Pew

Wow. I haven't written for about a month.

Today I went to morning Mass and then later came back and spent a half hour in Adoration. I wanted to spend more time, but my schedule was calling me to move forward, so I did.

I have been praying for a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit on everyone, particularly my parish, my family, myself, and the whole world. This world is currently in so much turmoil that it is only the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us out of it.

In my last blog I talked about wanting to be better. I still want to be better. I want to be a better human being, a better Christian, a better everything. But I am weak. When we are weak Jesus is strong, so I guess in some mysterious way Jesus must be very strong in me right now. I can't tell how and maybe that is not important.

My daily goal is to get up and start my day with Jesus, and then to move through my day trying to be nice and encouraging to everyone, and to be quiet. Being quiet is hard because I like to talk, and to write, as you can see. I guess I mean that I am trying to be verbally quiet. My words that are written are quiet because nobody is required to read them or accept them. Verbally it is a different story because when someone speaks, automatic listening is going on and it is sort of like our verbal words automatically get into someone elses personal hearing space.

I am trying to take a huge step back in many areas of my life and allow God to do what He wants with me. He is still working on me and I am trying to trust. I don't know where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do in regards to "all things church" so I am doing nothing. I started sitting in different pews for Mass. You know how most people have their particular seat? Well I once did - this blog is named after it - the Third Pew..... but now since I'm not sure of my place in the Church - both local and global - I have given up my Third Pew and now am a "roaming Catholic" - moving from pew to pew. Lately I have settled on one of the very last pews. It is a different perspective for sure. That puts everyone in front of me. They can't see me until they turn around for the sign of peace. It is sort of like being in my own little bubble in the back pew. For Sunday Mass however, I sit much closer to the front, but not as close as the Third Pew. My sacred little Third Pew. I miss it.

I am also there in the back pew because I don't know where I belong and I don't feel worthy to be closer to the sanctuary. So, I am working on being better.

Jesus knows my heart. The Holy Spirit knows me through and through. I am trying to trust and listen. I am waiting to belong.....I want to be accepted.....I want to use my gifts for my parish.....

So, I am sitting in my pew - whichever one I choose to sit in on any given day - and I am waiting to belong, waiting to use my gifts, waiting to be wanted or needed. I guess I will have to wait. If nobody wants my gifts, then I guess God will make use of them elsewhere, or perhaps He doesn't want me to use my gifts right now either.

Jesus is still re-making me. I am still waiting to be filled, used, sent forth and to belong.

Wanting to be better....

Today I received a magazine from the "Sisters of Life". In this magazine are some beautiful articles. I don't know which sister wrote the following, but I wanted to share it with whoever is reading this blog today:

" Sometimes our friendship with God grows gently over a lifetime. At other times it begins with a striking experience of the beauty and goodness in life or of creation. Frequently, it is in moments of suffering that we experience God's presence and light breaking into our lives and with it an invitation to enter into His friendship. God reaches down into our darkness and pain and offers a hand, a way out. Sometimes it requires an act of trust, a leap of faith, at other times His presence is so tender and consoling that following Him seems easy, even irresistible. If we place our hand in His and begin to walk with Jesus, we find out lives begin to change. We want to be better so that we can receive more of Him, and His love draws us out of the narrow confines of ourselves. Gradually our hearts become purified and we find that we are less self-absorbed and more other-centered. Before we know it, what began as a spark has grown into a fire in our hearts......... Now there is no turning back. After tasting Godiva there is no going back to Hershey's without an awareness of what you are missing. Once we have tasted the sweetness of God's love, our desire for greater union grows until this friendship bvecomes the defining and driving force in our life. Friendship with God gives us the freedom to let go of the fears and grasping that keep us from opening up to Jesus and receiving all that life brings as a gift and mystery to be lived with Him."

I want to be better...........

Waiting for the new life of Spring...

The last time I wrote I was on the floor (so to speak). It is a few weeks later and I remain on the floor, but with a different demeanor. I am still on the floor. I am still waiting. I have a little hope and am starting to see the light of resurrection. I am waiting for the Holy Spirit to empower me. To mobilize me. To restore my life.

While I am waiting I am also praying and thinking and reading. I am trying to reach out. There are some who do not know of my struggles, because they are so interior, and I hide them well. There are those who know of my struggles and do not care. There are those few who do care and for them I am eternally grateful. Because without them, I would not be able to even wait.

I'm glad the Easter Season is so long because even though Jesus was able to be resurrected in a flash and in only three days, my resurrection seems to be taking a whole lot longer. And rightly so, for I am not Jesus. I am but one of His lowly creatures.

For whatever reason God brought me into being out of love. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that somehow, there is a gift I have that He wants me to bring to the world. I still don't know what it is because it doesn't matter which way I turn lately, I just hit a wall. I am in a perverbial maze, trying to find my way to the exit. What I will find at the exit, I am not sure, but I hope it is good. I am trusting that it is good.

I am not afraid of the struggle. I know God is with me and for whatever reason this is the journey He has me on. I have to be open. I have to try. I guess this will all make me into a better person if I hang in there long enough. I definitely subscribe to the "wounded healer" philosphy so by the time I am back to being me, I guess I might be a better healer. I just need the new life of Spring to kick in.

These are my thoughts for this morning.

Notes from the floor

In the book of Jeremiah, God talks about tearing down so he will build up. Also in Jeremiah, God presents to us the image of the potter and the clay. If the potter is not satisfied with the pot he is making he starts over. During these last few months, I have been torn down. At this moment, I am laying on the floor (figuratively speaking of course), totally broken, waiting for God to build up and make me into a different pot. The process of being broken was very painful. Right now, laying on the floor, I have nothing to do but wait. I cannot do anything outside of what God is willing for my life right now. So I wait. I wait to be built up. This period of being totally broken, of being "dead", is an interesting one. On one level I am powerless to do anything of my own accord. I can only lay here, surrendered totally to Jesus...waiting. On another level the only thing I can do, if you call it doing much, is pray. I pray to be built up again. I pray for patient endurance. I pray to not fall into despair. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come. Since this is Holy Week and next Sunday we will celebrate the resurrection, I am hoping that God will bless me with a bit of a personal resurrection. I pray that He will take my broken parts and pull them into His very being. If I no longer exist on my own that will be fine...I just need to know I am in His care. If I have Jesus, I have everything...because no matter who comes to destroy me - be it the Church, representatives of the church, my family, society, health issues....as long as I have Jesus, I have everything I need.

CATHOLICS - Wake up!

Maybe I'm the only one that realizes this, but do you know that the devil has infiltrated the Catholic Church? Have you noticed that there is a disconnect between the people of the church and the clergy? Why is that? It is partly because clergy are busier than usual due to the shortage of priests. I also think that the people in the pews are just as out of touch with Jesus and so what do we have? We have a church that is ripe for the devil to attack, and attack he has....with a vengence. He is doing such incredible damage to the body of Christ and we are letting him do it. By not doing anything, we are condoning his actions and saying "go ahead little devil, do what you will, we give up." You know I am right, don't you? This is my prayer and hope: that clergy will pray for at least an hour on a daily basis and totally surrender themselves to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. This is also my hope for lay people as well. If we only do that each day, our church would be radically different. Until then, the people will continue to have their souls waste away because their clergy have forgotten how to truly minister to their people. Until then, our clergy will be administrators and CEO's of parishes and will not understand the role of a shepherd. Until then, our church will continue to be attacked by the evil one...and someday, we will be accountable to almighty God for having let the little devil have so much power. If I am the only one on the planet, I will continue to surrender each day. If God allows me to be trampled on and broken by all that comes against me, then so be it...for someday He will tell me I have chosen the better part - to surrender and pray. It may cost me my life, but it will be worth it.

Notes about Prayer

This is what I learned about the nature of prayer and today's world within the last year:

I have to pray more than ever just to "maintain".
Prayer is conversation with God and this takes dedication to a relationship.
Prayer, as with other conversation, takes numerous forms, lengths, and purposes.
The atmosphere I pray in is important to how well I pray ( most of the time ).
A quick shout out to Jesus in the form of "HELP ME!" is just as effective as a long prayer.
Prayer can be painful because I become very vulnerable to God. I have to show him my full wounds in order to be healed.
I have to listen very carefully and become very silent for long periods sometimes in order to hear what Jesus says.
Sometimes I have to deal with Jesus saying nothing.
Prayer is about learning to love, accept, and forgive.
Prayer takes commitment to a time each day, or a couple of times.
Prayer can be a stress reducer sometimes.
Prayer keeps my life in perspective.
The rosary is a great prayer when I can't focus.
Movement in prayer can help too - genuflecting, bowing, kneeling, laying prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament.
Focusing on a picture or statue helps.

These are my thoughts for this cold and rainy lenten evening.

Happy First Anniversary to my Blog

I just realized that I have been writing this blog for just about a year. WOW. I started this blog about a week or two after getting my gall bladder yanked out of me. I was recuperating from that surgery when I started it.

So much has changed in that time. The best change has to do with my health. I feel stronger and better now than I have in quite a few years. Thank you Jesus for that BIG TIME. I still have to lose some poundage, but that isn't too bad.

Most of the other changes have been negative. There really isn't much that I am enthussed about in my life right now. Everyday presents its own struggles and I move on. In addition, our world is going to Hell in a handbasket,as they say. Wars in the middle easter, Tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and floods abound. My own Catholic church worldwide is being attacked from within by the vilest of evils. Families are being destroyed. The world's economy is tanking and prices are going sky high. Abortion continues. Sin abounds especially in those who don't think sin exists anymore.

All these things have changed since last year. My soul is more fragile than ever. I fall on my knees frequently and try to pray. I know I am in God's presence, but I don't really hear His replies.

Still, I am trying to trust, to be brave, to be patient. My faith tells me there is hope.

A year of blogs is an accomplishment. I hope that some blogs helped others, or at least gave them company. I hope some were blessings. I know it feels good for me to let things out this way - to write my thoughts, opinions, confusions, wonderings and ponderings.

I don't know if anyone is reading this, but perhaps I'm not meant to know. That is okay too.

Lenten thoughts

I was listening to a sister on EWTN this afternoon. She was talking about joy in suffering. My ears perked up because right now I am undergoing some issues with suffering myself. She seemed to think that if we could be content with the suffering coming our way, then somehow it was heroic virtue, and the suffering could be meaningful and help us grow in holiness.

I am thinking about what she said. We are all called to be saints. I want to be a saint too, although I am so far from it at this point in my life. Saints suffer with a contentment willingly. I don't do it willingly and I don't know how to do it willingly. I need instruction and guidance with this. I suppose it probably has something to do with connecting it with Christ's passion.

I am trying to lift up my suffering for the souls in purgatory. I am trying to see that my suffering is also due to some attacks from the enemy. Some of it is due to attacks from others. Some of it is due to myself. I am praying for deliverance on all three counts. I am praying the prayer of St. Michael. All other prayer has been quite impossible, although I have tried. My lips mouth the prayers, but I can't concentrate on what I am saying.

Today's gospel reading focuses on the Holy Spirit leading Jesus into the desert. I am still in my spiritual desert, but today those words resonated with me because it was the HOLY SPIRIT that led Jesus to the desert, not the evil one.

Here I was blaming my being in the desert to everything but the Holy Spirit. But it is His fault. He has used others and circumstances to plop me into the middle of the desert. He wants me to be in the desert right now just as He wanted Jesus to be in the desert. Jesus rebuked the temptation and attacks. I don't think I've been that strong to be able to do the same. Why does he want me to be in the desert ? Purification perhaps? I need that.

Jesus, please help me through this desert. Send me the help that I need. Give me courage if no help will be forthcoming. Please preserve my spiritual life and my relationship with the Church that I love.

Stupid is as Stupid does

I have discovered that people will listen to anyone who speaks with authority, no matter how erroneous or stupid their point of view might be. Many in the world are truly sheep without a shepherd. That is how Hitler got so popular....he had a strong voice and was arrogant. He took control and people just blindly followed him. They were looking for a leader and had no real moral compass within their hearts. So they blindly, and stupidly followed. Pride comes before the fall as they say.

So what are we to do? We have to pray and discern so when the wolf comes in sheep's clothing, we will know not to follow, and likewise, that we will know who to follow.

The problem: People don't take time for silence, for self-reflection, and most importantly, for prayer.

The result: a lot of stupid people following stupid leaders.

1,000,000,000 Piece Puzzle

Lately I've been trying to put the pieces of my Life puzzle together. It is certainly a task of gargantuan proportions. However, I am making progress. Jesus is at the center of my life and of my life puzzle.

Once upon a time my Life Puzzle was all put together. It was all connected and sat proudly on display on a sturdy card table. Then one day out of the blue, someone walked by and knocked the table over. The puzzle slid off and crashed onto the floor. There were puzzle pieces everywhere....some even under the couch, or the corner of the rug. Some might even be lost forever.

Regardless of the mess and the anger and sadness I felt about my Life puzzle coming apart, I knew I had to get busy and try to put it together again. After all, it was once together so it can be together again. This is my hope anyway.

I am working on the puzzle. In rebuilding it, I am finding that it is a bit harder is taking more time than I thought. I have a chunk of it done now. I still have more to do. I can see Jesus in the middle again, but the part of the puzzle that has the two of us fully united is still missing. I can only see a part of myself in the puzzle. The part of my Life puzzle with the church in it is still quite incomplete too.

The puzzle will get done. I am sure of that. I just wish I had a few more people to help me put it together. It also would go faster if I had more support, validation, and encouragement.

It would also be good if I could feel that putting my Life Puzzle back together ultimately mattered to someone other than myself.

A mirage or an oasis?

From out here in the Sahara of my soul, I am starting to see something in front of my spiritual eyes, and there is a feeling arising within me. However, I don't want to trust my feelings because they can be deceptive sometimes. Still though, some say to "go with your gut". Sometimes I say that too.

I've had a couple of moments this week of thinking I can see something in the desert. The thing is, I don't know if it is a real oasis, or a mirage - a figment of my imagination or something that I want to see so badly that I'm letting my mind's eyes manufacture it. I have to discern this further.

Lately my wandering in the desert has had me walking in circles. Just when I think I'm getting closer to leaving it, I find myself smack dab back in the middle. It can be frustrating. There are glimpses of hope and release, but then just as soon as they are there, they are gone again. It is like I'm being teased, and I don't think that can be of God. God doesn't play games like that. The evil one does.

So, I am waiting. Some days it is like I'm sitting alone. Other days I know Jesus is nearby, just not visible. Other days the Eucharist speaks volumes to me and reaches into my desert space for a short time. Those moments are oxygen for my soul. (Manna from Heaven for one wandering in the desert.) Sometimes I might even have a visit from a couple of sheep and find a shepherdesses staff in my arms, but there is no direction provided for me to lead the sheep. I feel so inadequate to be given this responsibility. So, I find myself waiting with my little spiritual flock of sheep in silence, and I talk to them and let them know I am confused. They do not wander away from me because they are relying on me, and yet I have nothing to give them. So, we are hanging out together, waiting and praying. This may not make sense to the reader, but it makes sense to me.

I am waiting. I am praying. I am trying to understand and discern. I am hungrily grabbing any spiritual food that comes my way in order that I may not starve, but it flows through me and leaves, as if in a seive. I have been asking for spiritual sustenance in ways other than the Eucharist. I think I have been quite clear about my needs. However, it seems like my little baby-bird-in-the-nest tweets to Mother Church seem to fall on deaf ears these days; but that may just be because I am deaf myself, and perhaps blind too.

Perhaps Jesus is speaking loudly to me right now and I cannot hear Him? Perhaps it is my sinfulness getting in the way? Perhaps it is my state of mind and the confusion I tend to experience often? Perhaps though, the church is just not able to respond to my needs at this time because it is a bit out of reach, a bit exclusive, a bit of a clique ? I don't know. I should not try to analyze things so much.

I am trying to just BE in his presence and to be patient. Since I continue to exist, I know He is thinking of me and I should be satisfied with that. Perhaps just knowing He is thinking of me is my oasis..... sigh........I don't know.

Anyway, these are my thoughts for this evening. I am feeling confusion coming upon me now so I better stop.

The Soul in Winter

This should really be entitled "My Soul in Winter", but it is what it is. I am writing this in the deepest and coldest part of winter. I am in winter in the outside world, and winter in my interior, personal, spiritual world. It is cold no matter how I look at it.

I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of the snow. I'm tired of shoveling snow. I'm tired of closed windows. I'm tired of being tired. I have very little energy. My mind feels as slushy as the snow in the gutters these days.

In December I went on a day of reflection and went to confession. The priest said that I should go to confession more often. So I went again on January 1. At that time, I brought this up to my confessor ( a different priest ) because I wasn't sure what "more often" meant. He suggested maybe every 4 - 6 weeks, so I will do that. Knowing I will be going to confession so often is making me more aware of my sinfulness because I know the next time I have to go and reveal all is coming soon. I do hope the graces of confession kick in soon.

So, here I am....deep in the heart of winter. I am in "hibernation mode", but I long for warmth, enthusiasm, community, joy, sunshine, t-shirts instead of winter coats, driving with the car windows open, sitting by the beach and watching sunsets, and all those other things.

My Soul in Winter longs to be the Soul in Springtime.

A Message from the Sahara

I have come to the conclusion that a Dark Night of the Soul is different from being in a Spiritual Desert.

I have also come to see that a Spiritual Desert is the place that Jesus puts a person in order to rescue, or protect them, or take them out of, the Dark Night of the Soul. It is a step up, so to speak. One step closer to freedom, although it may not really feel like it.

The Dark Night of the Soul is depression, sadness, being on the edge of despair, and it is a place where the devil attacks a person. It is a tormented place, full of fear, full of begging for help and not getting any relief. It is sort of a little hell on earth. A warning perhaps of what could really be for a person for all eternity? A test....maybe? A field day for the devil....most definitely.

A person can be plucked out of the Dark Night and plunked down in the middle of the desert, far away from the devil...and everything else too. (So we are plucked and then plunked.) The Dark Night of the Soul and a Spiritual Desert may seem to be the same from the outside, but from the inside they are two very distinct places w/ distinct purposes. This has been my experience, and is currently my experience, if you ask me. (I know, no one is asking, but I'm saying it anyway.)

A Dark Night of the Soul can destroy you, while a Spiritual Desert, which is also a difficult place to be, has the capacity to give rest and respite. It is a place of waiting....sort of a Purgatory on earth, if you will.

In the Dark Night of the Soul one can feel like there is no hope at all. In the Spiritual Desert, it is more of a place of waiting for hope to be restored. In the desert, Jesus has taken all the turmoil that was present in the Dark Night and removed it.

In the desert, a person is alone with their thoughts and it is so quiet and still that you can hear your thoughts clearly, no matter how uncomfortable they are. In the Dark Night, one can't hear their own thoughts due to the din that the devil is creating.

The desert can be hot in the daytime, and cold in the night time. The desert is a very lonely place. But I am finding out that the desert is more than just sand and wild temperature changes. The desert is quiet, sometimes too quiet, but since God speaks in a still small voice, then I guess that is okay because if one listens close enough, God might just say something.

Days and nights in the desert each bring about their own challenges. The day time heat brings about wrestling, anger, begging for relief, starvation and thirst. The desert sun is blinding. But the nights are just as challenging. The desert nights are cold and very lonely. The wind whistles in an eerie way and the sand gets in one's eyes. There are no blankets and it is scary.

In the desert, the best times are dawn and sunset, because both bring some relief from the preceeding night or day's ordeals. But still, the desert is a step up from the Dark Night of the Soul because, occasionally in the desert, an oasis appears. It seems that the Holy Spirit knows just how far one can be pushed and just when you think you are at your wit's end and will expire, an oasis appears.

Sometimes the oasis can include a Eucharistic moment, or an angel, or a special word of encouragement. These are things that help one see that the desert will not last forever, and as soon as the lessons that need to be learned are actually learned, then the person is released from the desert. This is my hope anyway.

I am praying and sacrificing and trying to tolerate and learn, and I am praying for another oasis and for freedom. I long to return to the garden where refreshment abounds and where hope and optimism and faith are abundant once again.

Signing off from somewhere deep in the Sahara......

The Sahara of the Soul: Take 1

I am a person who tries hard. Whatever it is...I put sincere effort into things. Sometimes too much. Sometimes I put too much heart into things. I let them mean too much to me and then it all backfires. I want people to understand that my heart is in the right place and I guess sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is dangerous. At least for me.

I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?

Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.

I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.

To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.

I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.

I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.

My Soap Box

Well, it is 2011. 2010 is history. Praise God. Let' see what the new year will bring and may it all be good.

It is so sad because I love the Catholic church with my entire heart. It is who I am: a Catholic. Yet, so many times I find our beloved church very cold. I don't mean the room temperature. I mean the people. Maybe it is because the individual parishes are so large? Maybe it is because there aren't as many priests in parishes as before? Maybe it is because the members and the clergy are too secular, too busy, too selfish, to look beyond the front of their noses? Maybe nobody cares ? I have considered all of these to be possible reasons why our churches are so much lacking in community, or a desire for community.

Going to church today, for many, is like going to the drive through at McDonalds. People expect quick service only when they ask for it and then they leave, and they want to be able to have a coupon so it doesn't cost them so much commitment. They are not interested in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, time in personal silent reflection, time in reading, time in having calm, relaxed, discussions with other parishioners and their priests and sisters. Oh, and where are the nuns these days?

END OF MY SOAPBOX FOR TONIGHT.

The End is Near

It is the last few hours of 2010. I am so glad. This year was a difficult one for myself, and for many others who I know and do not know.

To be honest, I am losing some steam with this blog. It is not that I am running out of things to say, but right now I do not have much interest in sharing how I am doing and what I think about things. And that is because I don't think that my thoughts matter to anyone other than myself and God.

I will say that tonight, the last night of the year, is not a total bust. I went to see the new Narnia movie and really liked it and I am going to midnight Mass, so will end and start the year off in the best way I possibly can.

I leave you this short prayer that I wrote a few months ago. "Jesus, help me to forgive as you forgive."

May God have mercy on our souls.

The Only Safe Place

The only safe place I have right now is before the Blessed Sacrament. Even there, I have to concentrate with all of my being on the One who knows and sees all, and it takes upwards of an hour to settle my soul enough.

Beyond the space of the Blessed Sacrament, just over some imaginary line, lies the cold cruel world. I can't see the line, but I can feel it. My soul recognizes it at such a deep level the minute I cross over the line. The minute I am just a little away from the Blessed Sacrament, I am assaulted once again, and the assaults are deeply interior and I fight with all I have within me.

I wish I could stay there in Jesus' presence forever. Even though I don't feel his presence, I know he is there. He is hiding on me these days, but even though he seems so absent from me, I know he is there.

To Whom Else Can I Go, Lord? You have the Words of Eternal Life. I am nothing without you. You breathed me into being and the very essence of my life is in your hands. Please don't let me go. Please rescue me.

So, I wait. I pray. I wait some more. When will the light return in my soul? This is the question I ask. Will it ever return?

Why is God leaving me open to the wolf who is in swift pursuit ? Will I fall into a pit or be eaten alive as I try and run away? The traps are many.

Once again, I am learning a valuable lesson in life. The lesson is too private to write on this blog though, so for you ( whoever you are and if you even "are"), it will remain a mystery.

Poetry in Motion

Floating through space
trying to grab onto my Church
but it floats one way
and I, another.

Like a nightmare
things are suddenly twisted
like a practical joke
played on my soul
everyone says things are normal
but they aren't.

What was once interesting,
is now boring.
Unsure of who to trust,
feeling shy and alone.

Needing nourishment,
begging for it actually.
Reaching out
like a bird for a worm.

I ask for bread.
I get stones.
People think they are giving me bread.
That is the twist to it all.

What will help?
Understanding only goes so far.
Time? Perhaps.
Prayer? a possiblity.

Why do some people
automatically belong
and others have to fight for it?

Today a friend said to me
you have to "fight for the joy".
I was praying "grant me joy",
but that was wrong.

Today, in our church
we DO have to fight for the joy.
Assaults come from every direction.

It is not just the gates of hell
pounding without,
but now the pounding is from within.
More silence is needed.
More prayer.
More praise, but nobody does.

I have to find the strength
to fight for the joy,
to belong,
to be nourished.

My sinfulness is to blame perhaps?
My inadequacy to understand and accept, perhaps?
My arrogance? My stupidity?
There again, I am lost.

An image arrives just now in my mind:
I am like a fish tossed on the beach
gasping for air
flopping around, eyes bugged out.

Is there not anyone
who will help throw me back
into the sea?

Sitting on the sidelines...

Ya never know how the day is going to play out when you get out of bed in the morning. You can have a set agenda in your mind only to have it usurped the minute your feet hit the floor.

That is what my day was like. I will spare the details, but I will say that things are not "normal" anymore. It doesn't matter where I go....things just don't seem normal to me.

Mass is not the same. Literally.
My J.O.B. is not the same. Literally.
My activities out of work are not the same. Literally.

It is amazing how life can change so fast.

Right now, I do not belong anywhere.
I don't belong at church, at work, or with my family.

What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen?
Whatever the case, I think the devil is havng a big belly laugh at me right now.
However, the devil will have to eat a hat eventually because God will reign supreme as always.

I feel like an alien in a foreign land.
I know the language and the money system, but that is about it.

I need to be spirituallly nourished.
Yes, I have Jesus in the eucharist and I know He alone should suffice.
But this world is so tough. I also need a community.
I need to not sit alone at Mass.
I need to have a spirutal guidance.

Right now I feel like my only community is on EWTN.
Isn't that sad? A community in a little black box called a TV.

An Oasis

Today I experienced an "oasis moment" in the middle of a desert. I got together with some old friends. It was so nice to be with people who have known me for years and years and years, and that I have known, as well.

Familiar stories. Familiar information. Familiar homes. Familiar histories. A sense of not having to share who I am because they already know. Conversation was relaxed. Laughter came easy. Shared faith. Some conversation was just with eye contact. In many instances, no need to explain oneself because that was already done years ago. A sense of appreciation for just being together. We shared a meal, we shared grace and faith stories.

I am thankful for today. I needed this little oasis so badly. I didn't feel alone today, because for the first time in quite a while, I wasn't.

Cast your nets out into the deep...

I think those were Jesus' words to his disciples. He wanted them to cast their nets out into deeper waters and when they did, he blessed them.

That makes me think about how superficial our world is. People talk about all sorts of benign, meaningless things a lot of the time. (I'm including myself in this). As it is with how depth of prayer gets us closer to Jesus, so too does depth of conversation with one another get us into a closer relationship with each other,, and ultimately with God. That's the way I see it anyway.

I have an instense desire for deep conversation about life, its meaning, about all things that have to do with God and our faith, and things of a philosophical nature. I am not a great mind, but I have a desire to have a great mind and these things interest me greatly. The problem is the people with the great minds don't have time to have interns like myself, or they don't have the interest. So, many times I end up reading things that make me think but then I get frustrated because I think when I try and share my thoughts w/ people they get annoyed with me or they think I am a tad off my rocker for wanting to discuss such things.

As far as my small business goes, I have begun my "slow season", which means through the next several winter months I will have more free time. Less money of course, but more free time. I aim to do a lot more reading this winter and more praying. I am going to write, think, and do art work and plan for the next phase of my life. I know....if you want to make God laugh, make plans.... but I will bring my plans before Him in the Blessed Sacrament along the way.

I want more wisdom. I want to know and hang around really great and inteligent and holy people.

Why is life going so fast right now? Yes, my time is a little more free now, but still in general, our world is going so fast. I know I have to purposely choose to make time for things. But for a lot of the time it is as if life's responsiblities have multiplied and we are tricked into thinking that we need all sorts of electronic gadgets, or be involved in things 24/7 that we have no time to breathe or no time for real relationships.

I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to build more relationships with people who I can talk to about the type of topics I have metnioned here, but it is very difficult these days. Married people are, well, married so they have little free time. Single w/ children people have kids to worry about so they have almost no time. Teachers, priests, doctors, authors, administrators have very little time as well.

I should stop complaining. I really should. Who am I to even have such deep desires? I am not even a speck on the bottom of the sandal of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Perhaps I am not called to cast my net into the deep waters...perhaps I am called to just float on the waves above. I don't know. I will have to pray about this.

I should just be quiet and know "my place", wherever that is.

So, I think I will. (at least until the next blog topic pops in my mind.)

POWER - a blessing or a curse?

Power is a dangerous thing. It is like natural gas, or lightning, or the force of water flowing over Niagara falls or through the power of a flood.

Power can destroy if not used wisely. Power has to be tempered with wisdom and gentleness, otherwise it can hurt others.

I also believe it needs to be used according to the Will of God.

I encounter powerful people as I go through my days, and I observe. I watch. I think about how they use their power, or misuse it as the case may be. Sometimes I think about the tiny amount of power I might have in the world.

Some people aren't aware of the power they have, or could have, over others. For instance, There are quite a few people who have power and use it to strongly influence my life and sometimes that ticks me off. It is at those moments that I feel powerless. I suppose the only power I have in those situations is to walk away, but sometimes even that isn't possible. Sometimes you just have to endure something, or put up with something, until you can figure out a creative way to get out of the influence of someone else's power.

As I "hear" myself write this I find that I am getting angry with myself. I am an American and independent and I shouldn't have to put up with people telling me what to do and so strongly influencing my life. But the reality is, people do influence my life. People do tell me what to do - whether it is my church or my job or even family members. Then you have to figure in society and our culture and the expectations that are put upon us. Example: the IRS has power over me because they take my hard earned money away from me. My work place has power over me because they tell me what hours I have to work and what my duties are from 9 - 5. My church tells me what I have to do in regards to what is appropriate Christian behavior and what rules and rituals I have to follow or accept. The Catholic church certainly isn't a democracy. Family members have a pull on me too because no matter how much I try to not bother them, they still come out of the woodwork every so often and push all my buttons and no matter how hard I try to rise above it, pray through it, ignore it, etc, they still get to me.

Sometimes I only want to be under God's power, but these other powers in the world pound against me like a rough tide on a sea wall, and it is exhausting.

I'd like to think I am a gentle person. A passivist. I try hard to be a good christian. Part of all those things is humility, obedience, acceptance, compassion, etc... but it is hard sometimes to distinguish those things from being a doormat and that is not good.

Whenever I am given the opportunity to have power I try to remember what it is like to be on the other side of power so I use what little power that has been granted to me in an appropriate manner.

Another thought on power and the power of God is when you think about priests and the power God has given them. I've met some priests who might intellectually know that they have the power to heal, forgive sins, or speak and be the vehicle for Jesus to become present in the Eucharist, but then some aren't proactive with their power. They act like they can't really heal and sometimes I think they forget that their words have power. Or they don't actively engage their parishioners in conversations so as to influence their spiritual growth in a more effective way. Priests have the most wonderful power in the world running through their souls, hearts, and hands, and are specially annointed by God to share His power with the world. In this day and age, we need brave priests who are unafraid to speak the truth and challenge the people in their homilies. By their power they can empower the laity and we can be one force in the world. But the laity needs the leadership of our priests and bishops. But anyway, I digress...that might be a topic for another blog.

Also, parents don't realize the power they have over their children. I believe many parents today are lax in realizing that. They let the schools or society or the media mold their children and then when the kids become teenagers they wonder what happened to their cute little kids because they are not the people they wanted them to turn out to be. But when you let others have power over your kids, then you reap what you sow.

As for me, the only power I think have right now ( and I'm not even sure of that ), is the power of writing - whether it is this little blog that probably nobody reads on the planet, or the few writing projects I am currently working on. I also have the power to influence the lives of small children through my work and I hope I am doing some good. Some days it is hard to tell.

Do I wish I had MORE power? I don't know. Like I said before, power can be a dangerous thing. Even Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, so I guess unless he calls you to have power, it is best to keep quiet.

I guess I just wish the people who have power would realize it, first of all, then discern in prayer how God wants them to use the power they have been given. It always pains me when immature people are given power, and sometimes that is as simple as giving them a microphone on TV. Now, that is a scary thing. Hence, we have reality shows and talk shows and Judge shows, and the news.

If I were given more power I would try and use it wisely. But for now, I have to walk between the lines set before me by those who have the power. I have to sit quiet and wait for either their okay OR for God to blast through and directly tell me what to do and then empower me to do it. So, in short, I will probably just keep sitting quietly and doing my job each day, or sitting in the pew quietly waiting and praying, or waiting in line at the bank, or sitting in traffic...waiting....

Is having power a blessing or a curse? I guess it depends on who gave you the power and how you use it.

I don't think one should purposely go after power for the sake of having it to lord over others. I think power should empower someone to serve humanity.

These are my thoughts tonight....

Darkness and Lillies

I really do not like that it is getting dark so early in the day now. It really bothers me. I'm not ready for "hibernation mode" until spring. I have plenty to do inside, don't get me wrong, but the darkness is so....well....dark! LOL!

Christmas is six weeks away. The media and stores are all over it with ads and decorations. I'm not ready for that either. I especially don't like to hear Christmas music played in stores before Thanksgiving. The "holidays" are wierd for me because of their major emphasis on families and spending money, instead of on the birth of Christ and his goodness to us.

You know what has been going through my mind the last few days? The quotes from the Consider the Lillies passages from scripture. This is especially timely because I have some worries lately concerning some major house repairs - namely an entirely new chimney that is needed and that is very costly. I keep telling myself "at least I am healthy" and I have Jesus and those are the most important things, and then I remember what Jesus said about the lillies and the birds of the field and I feel better.

God will suffice. I'm hanging on to Him. He knows what I need and I am trying to trust. He has provided for me in the past and I'm sure things will work out this time.

I just wish it wouldn't get so dark so early in the day because sometimes it effects everything both inside and outside, if you know what I mean.

Time to P.I.C.

My schedule is starting to change with the advance of the colder weather and that is allowing me more prayer time. Today I went to my little Catholic church for some prayer time. In my calendar I mark it: P.I.C. = Pray in Church.

It was so silent and peaceful. Some of the time I wrote in my prayer journal, and I talked with Jesus about a few things. But the last third was just sitting quietly with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The peace was so great and I felt very comfortable.

I'm looking forward to a whole winter of time to P.I.C.. The darkness of night may surround my little church, but inside there is the light of Christ. Outside their may be traffic and all sorts of noise, but inside there is peace in sound and Spirit.

I have a lot of things and people to pray for, and nothing beats 1:1 time with Jesus. When I am with Jesus in my little Church I feel very safe and very protected. There is no better place on the planet than before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and with Him after communion.

So, that is all I have to say tonight. Let us all pray for all holy men and women and for an increase in vocations, and people to desire to pray.

Falling for Jesus

I did a lot of manual labor this afternoon in my yard. It is autumn, so I had to get the leaves that fell from the trees to the front yard so the town can come pick them up this week. Lots of work.

As things were winding down, and I transitioned to picking up sticks in the yard and putting them in a barrel to burn next spring (marshmallow roast!), a little neighborhood cat sauntered into the yard. I heard the rustle of the leaves and then saw this little furry tabby trotting over to see me. The cat comes periodically. I don't know where he lives, but he is very sweet. He stays a while and then leaves.

I sat on my deck and the cat came over to sit next to me, so that gave me an opportunity to take a little break. The sky was blue, it was later in the afternoon so the sun was that bright twinkly autumn type of sun - low in the sky and giving everything a golden glow. Even though the trees are almost bare there are still leaves that float to the ground.

In the late afternoon stillness, there came upon me a very gentle breeze and the air was still warm for November. As the leaves fell I could see and hear them hit other branches on the way down, and they floated as if they were choreographed to some celestial ballet. The cat watched too. We sat together in silence.

That scene reminded me of our souls. He is the vine and we are the branches and perhaps at the end of life, our souls are like the leaves that let go of the branches and float, in total abandon, into the arms of our Heavenly God by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I think the moment of death must be like that, if we die in the grace of God. If we don't die in the grace of God well, I don't want to think about that. I want to stay in the grace of God. I've always been afraid of dying, but not of death. Dying can be painful, but the moment of death must be glorious. Like the leaves, we die to ourselves and float into the great Wind - trusting, resting, joyfully letting go knowing that we have done what we were called to do.

Another image that popped into my mind while watching the leaves fall was that how God is bigger than all of this - bigger than nature, bigger than us, bigger than the universe. So that all that I was seeing was actually happening WITHIN God. All of this was part of God, within God, and done by the power of God. That made me feel a sense of contentment.

I love fall because it reminds me that we should ever fall more deeply in love with Jesus. Today. Tomorrow. And all our days.

A girl's perogative

There is an old saying that states it is a girl's perogative to change her mind. I find that to be very true because I change my mind a lot. One minute I will think I have made a decision and then the next minute I change my mind. Sometimes that makes other people frustrated. Well all I've got to say is imagine being frustrated with yourself when you do that and not be able to run away from yourself! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because within a couple of minutes I can fully agree with both of the opinions that may be currently swimming around in my mind.

How do I deal with it? Two words: Prayer and Discernment. Whenever I truly can't decide what to do about something or what my solid opinion should be on something I always bring it to prayer. And then I wait. Sometimes I have to wait a long time. Eventually though, I come to an inteligent, calculated, common sense decision. And then I stick to it.

But it is that in between time when I think others might get frustrated with me. Again, imagine how it is to be me when that happens.

I'm so grateful that I can go to Jesus, and that I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide me during these times of confusion. I'm so grateful that my little Catholic church is open a lot so I can go in and plop myself in the third row in front of the Tabernacle and bring my thoughts to Jesus.

I better end this blog now before I change my mind and erase this and start writing on a completely different topic. You have no idea how many blogs I've written and erased due to changing my mind...