This should really be entitled "My Soul in Winter", but it is what it is. I am writing this in the deepest and coldest part of winter. I am in winter in the outside world, and winter in my interior, personal, spiritual world. It is cold no matter how I look at it.
I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of the snow. I'm tired of shoveling snow. I'm tired of closed windows. I'm tired of being tired. I have very little energy. My mind feels as slushy as the snow in the gutters these days.
In December I went on a day of reflection and went to confession. The priest said that I should go to confession more often. So I went again on January 1. At that time, I brought this up to my confessor ( a different priest ) because I wasn't sure what "more often" meant. He suggested maybe every 4 - 6 weeks, so I will do that. Knowing I will be going to confession so often is making me more aware of my sinfulness because I know the next time I have to go and reveal all is coming soon. I do hope the graces of confession kick in soon.
So, here I am....deep in the heart of winter. I am in "hibernation mode", but I long for warmth, enthusiasm, community, joy, sunshine, t-shirts instead of winter coats, driving with the car windows open, sitting by the beach and watching sunsets, and all those other things.
My Soul in Winter longs to be the Soul in Springtime.
Jan 27, 2011
Jan 23, 2011
A Message from the Sahara
I have come to the conclusion that a Dark Night of the Soul is different from being in a Spiritual Desert.
I have also come to see that a Spiritual Desert is the place that Jesus puts a person in order to rescue, or protect them, or take them out of, the Dark Night of the Soul. It is a step up, so to speak. One step closer to freedom, although it may not really feel like it.
The Dark Night of the Soul is depression, sadness, being on the edge of despair, and it is a place where the devil attacks a person. It is a tormented place, full of fear, full of begging for help and not getting any relief. It is sort of a little hell on earth. A warning perhaps of what could really be for a person for all eternity? A test....maybe? A field day for the devil....most definitely.
A person can be plucked out of the Dark Night and plunked down in the middle of the desert, far away from the devil...and everything else too. (So we are plucked and then plunked.) The Dark Night of the Soul and a Spiritual Desert may seem to be the same from the outside, but from the inside they are two very distinct places w/ distinct purposes. This has been my experience, and is currently my experience, if you ask me. (I know, no one is asking, but I'm saying it anyway.)
A Dark Night of the Soul can destroy you, while a Spiritual Desert, which is also a difficult place to be, has the capacity to give rest and respite. It is a place of waiting....sort of a Purgatory on earth, if you will.
In the Dark Night of the Soul one can feel like there is no hope at all. In the Spiritual Desert, it is more of a place of waiting for hope to be restored. In the desert, Jesus has taken all the turmoil that was present in the Dark Night and removed it.
In the desert, a person is alone with their thoughts and it is so quiet and still that you can hear your thoughts clearly, no matter how uncomfortable they are. In the Dark Night, one can't hear their own thoughts due to the din that the devil is creating.
The desert can be hot in the daytime, and cold in the night time. The desert is a very lonely place. But I am finding out that the desert is more than just sand and wild temperature changes. The desert is quiet, sometimes too quiet, but since God speaks in a still small voice, then I guess that is okay because if one listens close enough, God might just say something.
Days and nights in the desert each bring about their own challenges. The day time heat brings about wrestling, anger, begging for relief, starvation and thirst. The desert sun is blinding. But the nights are just as challenging. The desert nights are cold and very lonely. The wind whistles in an eerie way and the sand gets in one's eyes. There are no blankets and it is scary.
In the desert, the best times are dawn and sunset, because both bring some relief from the preceeding night or day's ordeals. But still, the desert is a step up from the Dark Night of the Soul because, occasionally in the desert, an oasis appears. It seems that the Holy Spirit knows just how far one can be pushed and just when you think you are at your wit's end and will expire, an oasis appears.
Sometimes the oasis can include a Eucharistic moment, or an angel, or a special word of encouragement. These are things that help one see that the desert will not last forever, and as soon as the lessons that need to be learned are actually learned, then the person is released from the desert. This is my hope anyway.
I am praying and sacrificing and trying to tolerate and learn, and I am praying for another oasis and for freedom. I long to return to the garden where refreshment abounds and where hope and optimism and faith are abundant once again.
Signing off from somewhere deep in the Sahara......
I have also come to see that a Spiritual Desert is the place that Jesus puts a person in order to rescue, or protect them, or take them out of, the Dark Night of the Soul. It is a step up, so to speak. One step closer to freedom, although it may not really feel like it.
The Dark Night of the Soul is depression, sadness, being on the edge of despair, and it is a place where the devil attacks a person. It is a tormented place, full of fear, full of begging for help and not getting any relief. It is sort of a little hell on earth. A warning perhaps of what could really be for a person for all eternity? A test....maybe? A field day for the devil....most definitely.
A person can be plucked out of the Dark Night and plunked down in the middle of the desert, far away from the devil...and everything else too. (So we are plucked and then plunked.) The Dark Night of the Soul and a Spiritual Desert may seem to be the same from the outside, but from the inside they are two very distinct places w/ distinct purposes. This has been my experience, and is currently my experience, if you ask me. (I know, no one is asking, but I'm saying it anyway.)
A Dark Night of the Soul can destroy you, while a Spiritual Desert, which is also a difficult place to be, has the capacity to give rest and respite. It is a place of waiting....sort of a Purgatory on earth, if you will.
In the Dark Night of the Soul one can feel like there is no hope at all. In the Spiritual Desert, it is more of a place of waiting for hope to be restored. In the desert, Jesus has taken all the turmoil that was present in the Dark Night and removed it.
In the desert, a person is alone with their thoughts and it is so quiet and still that you can hear your thoughts clearly, no matter how uncomfortable they are. In the Dark Night, one can't hear their own thoughts due to the din that the devil is creating.
The desert can be hot in the daytime, and cold in the night time. The desert is a very lonely place. But I am finding out that the desert is more than just sand and wild temperature changes. The desert is quiet, sometimes too quiet, but since God speaks in a still small voice, then I guess that is okay because if one listens close enough, God might just say something.
Days and nights in the desert each bring about their own challenges. The day time heat brings about wrestling, anger, begging for relief, starvation and thirst. The desert sun is blinding. But the nights are just as challenging. The desert nights are cold and very lonely. The wind whistles in an eerie way and the sand gets in one's eyes. There are no blankets and it is scary.
In the desert, the best times are dawn and sunset, because both bring some relief from the preceeding night or day's ordeals. But still, the desert is a step up from the Dark Night of the Soul because, occasionally in the desert, an oasis appears. It seems that the Holy Spirit knows just how far one can be pushed and just when you think you are at your wit's end and will expire, an oasis appears.
Sometimes the oasis can include a Eucharistic moment, or an angel, or a special word of encouragement. These are things that help one see that the desert will not last forever, and as soon as the lessons that need to be learned are actually learned, then the person is released from the desert. This is my hope anyway.
I am praying and sacrificing and trying to tolerate and learn, and I am praying for another oasis and for freedom. I long to return to the garden where refreshment abounds and where hope and optimism and faith are abundant once again.
Signing off from somewhere deep in the Sahara......
Jan 14, 2011
The Sahara of the Soul: Take 1
I am a person who tries hard. Whatever it is...I put sincere effort into things. Sometimes too much. Sometimes I put too much heart into things. I let them mean too much to me and then it all backfires. I want people to understand that my heart is in the right place and I guess sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is dangerous. At least for me.
I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?
Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.
I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.
To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.
I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.
I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.
I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?
Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.
I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.
To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.
I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.
I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.
Jan 5, 2011
My Soap Box
Well, it is 2011. 2010 is history. Praise God. Let' see what the new year will bring and may it all be good.
It is so sad because I love the Catholic church with my entire heart. It is who I am: a Catholic. Yet, so many times I find our beloved church very cold. I don't mean the room temperature. I mean the people. Maybe it is because the individual parishes are so large? Maybe it is because there aren't as many priests in parishes as before? Maybe it is because the members and the clergy are too secular, too busy, too selfish, to look beyond the front of their noses? Maybe nobody cares ? I have considered all of these to be possible reasons why our churches are so much lacking in community, or a desire for community.
Going to church today, for many, is like going to the drive through at McDonalds. People expect quick service only when they ask for it and then they leave, and they want to be able to have a coupon so it doesn't cost them so much commitment. They are not interested in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, time in personal silent reflection, time in reading, time in having calm, relaxed, discussions with other parishioners and their priests and sisters. Oh, and where are the nuns these days?
END OF MY SOAPBOX FOR TONIGHT.
It is so sad because I love the Catholic church with my entire heart. It is who I am: a Catholic. Yet, so many times I find our beloved church very cold. I don't mean the room temperature. I mean the people. Maybe it is because the individual parishes are so large? Maybe it is because there aren't as many priests in parishes as before? Maybe it is because the members and the clergy are too secular, too busy, too selfish, to look beyond the front of their noses? Maybe nobody cares ? I have considered all of these to be possible reasons why our churches are so much lacking in community, or a desire for community.
Going to church today, for many, is like going to the drive through at McDonalds. People expect quick service only when they ask for it and then they leave, and they want to be able to have a coupon so it doesn't cost them so much commitment. They are not interested in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, time in personal silent reflection, time in reading, time in having calm, relaxed, discussions with other parishioners and their priests and sisters. Oh, and where are the nuns these days?
END OF MY SOAPBOX FOR TONIGHT.
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