The End is Near

It is the last few hours of 2010. I am so glad. This year was a difficult one for myself, and for many others who I know and do not know.

To be honest, I am losing some steam with this blog. It is not that I am running out of things to say, but right now I do not have much interest in sharing how I am doing and what I think about things. And that is because I don't think that my thoughts matter to anyone other than myself and God.

I will say that tonight, the last night of the year, is not a total bust. I went to see the new Narnia movie and really liked it and I am going to midnight Mass, so will end and start the year off in the best way I possibly can.

I leave you this short prayer that I wrote a few months ago. "Jesus, help me to forgive as you forgive."

May God have mercy on our souls.

The Only Safe Place

The only safe place I have right now is before the Blessed Sacrament. Even there, I have to concentrate with all of my being on the One who knows and sees all, and it takes upwards of an hour to settle my soul enough.

Beyond the space of the Blessed Sacrament, just over some imaginary line, lies the cold cruel world. I can't see the line, but I can feel it. My soul recognizes it at such a deep level the minute I cross over the line. The minute I am just a little away from the Blessed Sacrament, I am assaulted once again, and the assaults are deeply interior and I fight with all I have within me.

I wish I could stay there in Jesus' presence forever. Even though I don't feel his presence, I know he is there. He is hiding on me these days, but even though he seems so absent from me, I know he is there.

To Whom Else Can I Go, Lord? You have the Words of Eternal Life. I am nothing without you. You breathed me into being and the very essence of my life is in your hands. Please don't let me go. Please rescue me.

So, I wait. I pray. I wait some more. When will the light return in my soul? This is the question I ask. Will it ever return?

Why is God leaving me open to the wolf who is in swift pursuit ? Will I fall into a pit or be eaten alive as I try and run away? The traps are many.

Once again, I am learning a valuable lesson in life. The lesson is too private to write on this blog though, so for you ( whoever you are and if you even "are"), it will remain a mystery.

Poetry in Motion

Floating through space
trying to grab onto my Church
but it floats one way
and I, another.

Like a nightmare
things are suddenly twisted
like a practical joke
played on my soul
everyone says things are normal
but they aren't.

What was once interesting,
is now boring.
Unsure of who to trust,
feeling shy and alone.

Needing nourishment,
begging for it actually.
Reaching out
like a bird for a worm.

I ask for bread.
I get stones.
People think they are giving me bread.
That is the twist to it all.

What will help?
Understanding only goes so far.
Time? Perhaps.
Prayer? a possiblity.

Why do some people
automatically belong
and others have to fight for it?

Today a friend said to me
you have to "fight for the joy".
I was praying "grant me joy",
but that was wrong.

Today, in our church
we DO have to fight for the joy.
Assaults come from every direction.

It is not just the gates of hell
pounding without,
but now the pounding is from within.
More silence is needed.
More prayer.
More praise, but nobody does.

I have to find the strength
to fight for the joy,
to belong,
to be nourished.

My sinfulness is to blame perhaps?
My inadequacy to understand and accept, perhaps?
My arrogance? My stupidity?
There again, I am lost.

An image arrives just now in my mind:
I am like a fish tossed on the beach
gasping for air
flopping around, eyes bugged out.

Is there not anyone
who will help throw me back
into the sea?

Sitting on the sidelines...

Ya never know how the day is going to play out when you get out of bed in the morning. You can have a set agenda in your mind only to have it usurped the minute your feet hit the floor.

That is what my day was like. I will spare the details, but I will say that things are not "normal" anymore. It doesn't matter where I go....things just don't seem normal to me.

Mass is not the same. Literally.
My J.O.B. is not the same. Literally.
My activities out of work are not the same. Literally.

It is amazing how life can change so fast.

Right now, I do not belong anywhere.
I don't belong at church, at work, or with my family.

What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen?
Whatever the case, I think the devil is havng a big belly laugh at me right now.
However, the devil will have to eat a hat eventually because God will reign supreme as always.

I feel like an alien in a foreign land.
I know the language and the money system, but that is about it.

I need to be spirituallly nourished.
Yes, I have Jesus in the eucharist and I know He alone should suffice.
But this world is so tough. I also need a community.
I need to not sit alone at Mass.
I need to have a spirutal guidance.

Right now I feel like my only community is on EWTN.
Isn't that sad? A community in a little black box called a TV.