The End is Near

It is the last few hours of 2010. I am so glad. This year was a difficult one for myself, and for many others who I know and do not know.

To be honest, I am losing some steam with this blog. It is not that I am running out of things to say, but right now I do not have much interest in sharing how I am doing and what I think about things. And that is because I don't think that my thoughts matter to anyone other than myself and God.

I will say that tonight, the last night of the year, is not a total bust. I went to see the new Narnia movie and really liked it and I am going to midnight Mass, so will end and start the year off in the best way I possibly can.

I leave you this short prayer that I wrote a few months ago. "Jesus, help me to forgive as you forgive."

May God have mercy on our souls.

The Only Safe Place

The only safe place I have right now is before the Blessed Sacrament. Even there, I have to concentrate with all of my being on the One who knows and sees all, and it takes upwards of an hour to settle my soul enough.

Beyond the space of the Blessed Sacrament, just over some imaginary line, lies the cold cruel world. I can't see the line, but I can feel it. My soul recognizes it at such a deep level the minute I cross over the line. The minute I am just a little away from the Blessed Sacrament, I am assaulted once again, and the assaults are deeply interior and I fight with all I have within me.

I wish I could stay there in Jesus' presence forever. Even though I don't feel his presence, I know he is there. He is hiding on me these days, but even though he seems so absent from me, I know he is there.

To Whom Else Can I Go, Lord? You have the Words of Eternal Life. I am nothing without you. You breathed me into being and the very essence of my life is in your hands. Please don't let me go. Please rescue me.

So, I wait. I pray. I wait some more. When will the light return in my soul? This is the question I ask. Will it ever return?

Why is God leaving me open to the wolf who is in swift pursuit ? Will I fall into a pit or be eaten alive as I try and run away? The traps are many.

Once again, I am learning a valuable lesson in life. The lesson is too private to write on this blog though, so for you ( whoever you are and if you even "are"), it will remain a mystery.

Poetry in Motion

Floating through space
trying to grab onto my Church
but it floats one way
and I, another.

Like a nightmare
things are suddenly twisted
like a practical joke
played on my soul
everyone says things are normal
but they aren't.

What was once interesting,
is now boring.
Unsure of who to trust,
feeling shy and alone.

Needing nourishment,
begging for it actually.
Reaching out
like a bird for a worm.

I ask for bread.
I get stones.
People think they are giving me bread.
That is the twist to it all.

What will help?
Understanding only goes so far.
Time? Perhaps.
Prayer? a possiblity.

Why do some people
automatically belong
and others have to fight for it?

Today a friend said to me
you have to "fight for the joy".
I was praying "grant me joy",
but that was wrong.

Today, in our church
we DO have to fight for the joy.
Assaults come from every direction.

It is not just the gates of hell
pounding without,
but now the pounding is from within.
More silence is needed.
More prayer.
More praise, but nobody does.

I have to find the strength
to fight for the joy,
to belong,
to be nourished.

My sinfulness is to blame perhaps?
My inadequacy to understand and accept, perhaps?
My arrogance? My stupidity?
There again, I am lost.

An image arrives just now in my mind:
I am like a fish tossed on the beach
gasping for air
flopping around, eyes bugged out.

Is there not anyone
who will help throw me back
into the sea?

Sitting on the sidelines...

Ya never know how the day is going to play out when you get out of bed in the morning. You can have a set agenda in your mind only to have it usurped the minute your feet hit the floor.

That is what my day was like. I will spare the details, but I will say that things are not "normal" anymore. It doesn't matter where I go....things just don't seem normal to me.

Mass is not the same. Literally.
My J.O.B. is not the same. Literally.
My activities out of work are not the same. Literally.

It is amazing how life can change so fast.

Right now, I do not belong anywhere.
I don't belong at church, at work, or with my family.

What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen?
Whatever the case, I think the devil is havng a big belly laugh at me right now.
However, the devil will have to eat a hat eventually because God will reign supreme as always.

I feel like an alien in a foreign land.
I know the language and the money system, but that is about it.

I need to be spirituallly nourished.
Yes, I have Jesus in the eucharist and I know He alone should suffice.
But this world is so tough. I also need a community.
I need to not sit alone at Mass.
I need to have a spirutal guidance.

Right now I feel like my only community is on EWTN.
Isn't that sad? A community in a little black box called a TV.

An Oasis

Today I experienced an "oasis moment" in the middle of a desert. I got together with some old friends. It was so nice to be with people who have known me for years and years and years, and that I have known, as well.

Familiar stories. Familiar information. Familiar homes. Familiar histories. A sense of not having to share who I am because they already know. Conversation was relaxed. Laughter came easy. Shared faith. Some conversation was just with eye contact. In many instances, no need to explain oneself because that was already done years ago. A sense of appreciation for just being together. We shared a meal, we shared grace and faith stories.

I am thankful for today. I needed this little oasis so badly. I didn't feel alone today, because for the first time in quite a while, I wasn't.

Cast your nets out into the deep...

I think those were Jesus' words to his disciples. He wanted them to cast their nets out into deeper waters and when they did, he blessed them.

That makes me think about how superficial our world is. People talk about all sorts of benign, meaningless things a lot of the time. (I'm including myself in this). As it is with how depth of prayer gets us closer to Jesus, so too does depth of conversation with one another get us into a closer relationship with each other,, and ultimately with God. That's the way I see it anyway.

I have an instense desire for deep conversation about life, its meaning, about all things that have to do with God and our faith, and things of a philosophical nature. I am not a great mind, but I have a desire to have a great mind and these things interest me greatly. The problem is the people with the great minds don't have time to have interns like myself, or they don't have the interest. So, many times I end up reading things that make me think but then I get frustrated because I think when I try and share my thoughts w/ people they get annoyed with me or they think I am a tad off my rocker for wanting to discuss such things.

As far as my small business goes, I have begun my "slow season", which means through the next several winter months I will have more free time. Less money of course, but more free time. I aim to do a lot more reading this winter and more praying. I am going to write, think, and do art work and plan for the next phase of my life. I know....if you want to make God laugh, make plans.... but I will bring my plans before Him in the Blessed Sacrament along the way.

I want more wisdom. I want to know and hang around really great and inteligent and holy people.

Why is life going so fast right now? Yes, my time is a little more free now, but still in general, our world is going so fast. I know I have to purposely choose to make time for things. But for a lot of the time it is as if life's responsiblities have multiplied and we are tricked into thinking that we need all sorts of electronic gadgets, or be involved in things 24/7 that we have no time to breathe or no time for real relationships.

I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to build more relationships with people who I can talk to about the type of topics I have metnioned here, but it is very difficult these days. Married people are, well, married so they have little free time. Single w/ children people have kids to worry about so they have almost no time. Teachers, priests, doctors, authors, administrators have very little time as well.

I should stop complaining. I really should. Who am I to even have such deep desires? I am not even a speck on the bottom of the sandal of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Perhaps I am not called to cast my net into the deep waters...perhaps I am called to just float on the waves above. I don't know. I will have to pray about this.

I should just be quiet and know "my place", wherever that is.

So, I think I will. (at least until the next blog topic pops in my mind.)

POWER - a blessing or a curse?

Power is a dangerous thing. It is like natural gas, or lightning, or the force of water flowing over Niagara falls or through the power of a flood.

Power can destroy if not used wisely. Power has to be tempered with wisdom and gentleness, otherwise it can hurt others.

I also believe it needs to be used according to the Will of God.

I encounter powerful people as I go through my days, and I observe. I watch. I think about how they use their power, or misuse it as the case may be. Sometimes I think about the tiny amount of power I might have in the world.

Some people aren't aware of the power they have, or could have, over others. For instance, There are quite a few people who have power and use it to strongly influence my life and sometimes that ticks me off. It is at those moments that I feel powerless. I suppose the only power I have in those situations is to walk away, but sometimes even that isn't possible. Sometimes you just have to endure something, or put up with something, until you can figure out a creative way to get out of the influence of someone else's power.

As I "hear" myself write this I find that I am getting angry with myself. I am an American and independent and I shouldn't have to put up with people telling me what to do and so strongly influencing my life. But the reality is, people do influence my life. People do tell me what to do - whether it is my church or my job or even family members. Then you have to figure in society and our culture and the expectations that are put upon us. Example: the IRS has power over me because they take my hard earned money away from me. My work place has power over me because they tell me what hours I have to work and what my duties are from 9 - 5. My church tells me what I have to do in regards to what is appropriate Christian behavior and what rules and rituals I have to follow or accept. The Catholic church certainly isn't a democracy. Family members have a pull on me too because no matter how much I try to not bother them, they still come out of the woodwork every so often and push all my buttons and no matter how hard I try to rise above it, pray through it, ignore it, etc, they still get to me.

Sometimes I only want to be under God's power, but these other powers in the world pound against me like a rough tide on a sea wall, and it is exhausting.

I'd like to think I am a gentle person. A passivist. I try hard to be a good christian. Part of all those things is humility, obedience, acceptance, compassion, etc... but it is hard sometimes to distinguish those things from being a doormat and that is not good.

Whenever I am given the opportunity to have power I try to remember what it is like to be on the other side of power so I use what little power that has been granted to me in an appropriate manner.

Another thought on power and the power of God is when you think about priests and the power God has given them. I've met some priests who might intellectually know that they have the power to heal, forgive sins, or speak and be the vehicle for Jesus to become present in the Eucharist, but then some aren't proactive with their power. They act like they can't really heal and sometimes I think they forget that their words have power. Or they don't actively engage their parishioners in conversations so as to influence their spiritual growth in a more effective way. Priests have the most wonderful power in the world running through their souls, hearts, and hands, and are specially annointed by God to share His power with the world. In this day and age, we need brave priests who are unafraid to speak the truth and challenge the people in their homilies. By their power they can empower the laity and we can be one force in the world. But the laity needs the leadership of our priests and bishops. But anyway, I digress...that might be a topic for another blog.

Also, parents don't realize the power they have over their children. I believe many parents today are lax in realizing that. They let the schools or society or the media mold their children and then when the kids become teenagers they wonder what happened to their cute little kids because they are not the people they wanted them to turn out to be. But when you let others have power over your kids, then you reap what you sow.

As for me, the only power I think have right now ( and I'm not even sure of that ), is the power of writing - whether it is this little blog that probably nobody reads on the planet, or the few writing projects I am currently working on. I also have the power to influence the lives of small children through my work and I hope I am doing some good. Some days it is hard to tell.

Do I wish I had MORE power? I don't know. Like I said before, power can be a dangerous thing. Even Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, so I guess unless he calls you to have power, it is best to keep quiet.

I guess I just wish the people who have power would realize it, first of all, then discern in prayer how God wants them to use the power they have been given. It always pains me when immature people are given power, and sometimes that is as simple as giving them a microphone on TV. Now, that is a scary thing. Hence, we have reality shows and talk shows and Judge shows, and the news.

If I were given more power I would try and use it wisely. But for now, I have to walk between the lines set before me by those who have the power. I have to sit quiet and wait for either their okay OR for God to blast through and directly tell me what to do and then empower me to do it. So, in short, I will probably just keep sitting quietly and doing my job each day, or sitting in the pew quietly waiting and praying, or waiting in line at the bank, or sitting in traffic...waiting....

Is having power a blessing or a curse? I guess it depends on who gave you the power and how you use it.

I don't think one should purposely go after power for the sake of having it to lord over others. I think power should empower someone to serve humanity.

These are my thoughts tonight....

Darkness and Lillies

I really do not like that it is getting dark so early in the day now. It really bothers me. I'm not ready for "hibernation mode" until spring. I have plenty to do inside, don't get me wrong, but the darkness is so....well....dark! LOL!

Christmas is six weeks away. The media and stores are all over it with ads and decorations. I'm not ready for that either. I especially don't like to hear Christmas music played in stores before Thanksgiving. The "holidays" are wierd for me because of their major emphasis on families and spending money, instead of on the birth of Christ and his goodness to us.

You know what has been going through my mind the last few days? The quotes from the Consider the Lillies passages from scripture. This is especially timely because I have some worries lately concerning some major house repairs - namely an entirely new chimney that is needed and that is very costly. I keep telling myself "at least I am healthy" and I have Jesus and those are the most important things, and then I remember what Jesus said about the lillies and the birds of the field and I feel better.

God will suffice. I'm hanging on to Him. He knows what I need and I am trying to trust. He has provided for me in the past and I'm sure things will work out this time.

I just wish it wouldn't get so dark so early in the day because sometimes it effects everything both inside and outside, if you know what I mean.

Time to P.I.C.

My schedule is starting to change with the advance of the colder weather and that is allowing me more prayer time. Today I went to my little Catholic church for some prayer time. In my calendar I mark it: P.I.C. = Pray in Church.

It was so silent and peaceful. Some of the time I wrote in my prayer journal, and I talked with Jesus about a few things. But the last third was just sitting quietly with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The peace was so great and I felt very comfortable.

I'm looking forward to a whole winter of time to P.I.C.. The darkness of night may surround my little church, but inside there is the light of Christ. Outside their may be traffic and all sorts of noise, but inside there is peace in sound and Spirit.

I have a lot of things and people to pray for, and nothing beats 1:1 time with Jesus. When I am with Jesus in my little Church I feel very safe and very protected. There is no better place on the planet than before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and with Him after communion.

So, that is all I have to say tonight. Let us all pray for all holy men and women and for an increase in vocations, and people to desire to pray.

Falling for Jesus

I did a lot of manual labor this afternoon in my yard. It is autumn, so I had to get the leaves that fell from the trees to the front yard so the town can come pick them up this week. Lots of work.

As things were winding down, and I transitioned to picking up sticks in the yard and putting them in a barrel to burn next spring (marshmallow roast!), a little neighborhood cat sauntered into the yard. I heard the rustle of the leaves and then saw this little furry tabby trotting over to see me. The cat comes periodically. I don't know where he lives, but he is very sweet. He stays a while and then leaves.

I sat on my deck and the cat came over to sit next to me, so that gave me an opportunity to take a little break. The sky was blue, it was later in the afternoon so the sun was that bright twinkly autumn type of sun - low in the sky and giving everything a golden glow. Even though the trees are almost bare there are still leaves that float to the ground.

In the late afternoon stillness, there came upon me a very gentle breeze and the air was still warm for November. As the leaves fell I could see and hear them hit other branches on the way down, and they floated as if they were choreographed to some celestial ballet. The cat watched too. We sat together in silence.

That scene reminded me of our souls. He is the vine and we are the branches and perhaps at the end of life, our souls are like the leaves that let go of the branches and float, in total abandon, into the arms of our Heavenly God by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I think the moment of death must be like that, if we die in the grace of God. If we don't die in the grace of God well, I don't want to think about that. I want to stay in the grace of God. I've always been afraid of dying, but not of death. Dying can be painful, but the moment of death must be glorious. Like the leaves, we die to ourselves and float into the great Wind - trusting, resting, joyfully letting go knowing that we have done what we were called to do.

Another image that popped into my mind while watching the leaves fall was that how God is bigger than all of this - bigger than nature, bigger than us, bigger than the universe. So that all that I was seeing was actually happening WITHIN God. All of this was part of God, within God, and done by the power of God. That made me feel a sense of contentment.

I love fall because it reminds me that we should ever fall more deeply in love with Jesus. Today. Tomorrow. And all our days.

A girl's perogative

There is an old saying that states it is a girl's perogative to change her mind. I find that to be very true because I change my mind a lot. One minute I will think I have made a decision and then the next minute I change my mind. Sometimes that makes other people frustrated. Well all I've got to say is imagine being frustrated with yourself when you do that and not be able to run away from yourself! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because within a couple of minutes I can fully agree with both of the opinions that may be currently swimming around in my mind.

How do I deal with it? Two words: Prayer and Discernment. Whenever I truly can't decide what to do about something or what my solid opinion should be on something I always bring it to prayer. And then I wait. Sometimes I have to wait a long time. Eventually though, I come to an inteligent, calculated, common sense decision. And then I stick to it.

But it is that in between time when I think others might get frustrated with me. Again, imagine how it is to be me when that happens.

I'm so grateful that I can go to Jesus, and that I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide me during these times of confusion. I'm so grateful that my little Catholic church is open a lot so I can go in and plop myself in the third row in front of the Tabernacle and bring my thoughts to Jesus.

I better end this blog now before I change my mind and erase this and start writing on a completely different topic. You have no idea how many blogs I've written and erased due to changing my mind...

It is usually dark this time of night...

The last couple of nights I've been walking a little dog after dark, thanks to the time change. It is quite deserted this time of year in the area where we walk. Normally I don't get nervous of the dark, but the last few nights with no moon and no people, it has gotten a little creepy. Plus it has been windy and rainy so that just makes more sounds that sound "other worldly" in a rather scary way.

This little dog would try and protect me should a problem arise if she had to, but given the chance, I think she might also run away before I would!

So I say the prayer of St. Michael as we are walking. I have a big flashlight too. Tonight though it was dark, rainy, and cold...and I suppose I had a few moments of a tiny bit of fear. Luckily I don't watch horror movies or I think I really would have been freaked out a couple of times. I just assume that the sounds in the wooded areas are real animals and not a mass murderer. LOL! The other night we saw a fox and smelled a skunk. One night the water was calm as a black mirror, but tonight it was raging and knocking the portable docks around. It sounded violent.

Anyway, I bring this up because I know God is always watching over me and sending angels to protect me. And when I'm not nervous, it is a beautiful deserted place to have all to ourselves - just me and the dog. It is peaceful and solitary on most nights, and I can talk to the dog and God outloud and there is nobody to stare at me doing that.

The Time Change

This weekend we had to turn our clocks back one hour. Doing that always freaks me out. It is a numbers thing. I get confused. Seriously.

I've made mistakes in the past with the time change. I either arrive too early or too late. Last night I was worried I wouldn't be on time for a couple of early AM appointments. I kept waking up. I was up when the clock went from 1:59 AM to 1:00 AM. Seeing that was a little Twilight Zoney.

I finally got up at 5:10, which was really 6:10 AM. I was on time. Phew! But now I am tired. It has also been a very busy day. I prayed a lot today though. This was one of those "high prayer" days in the midst of being busy.

I'm glad the time change doesn't happen again for several more months.

Tick Toc. Good night.

T.G.I.F., etc...

Thank God it is Friday. I am truly fried on "Frieday". Get it?

What a week at work. I am so drained. I feel very tired and empty. It is after 9 PM and I am just now preparing dinner - spaghetti. There has been so much pain at work and lots of pressure to do more than is humanly possible. We are all drained - my co-workers and I.

I went to a talk tonight at my parish on Mother Theresa. I connected with a lot of what she said. Even though I've never been to Calcutta, I've been to the Phillipines and have seen the poorest of the poor. In my work, right here in the USA, I've sat with dying people, I've tried to bring hope and healing. I've tried to be a witness with my actions. I've fed people, changed the diapers of adults, etc... So, like this woman, I have experienced a lot, always trying to bring Jesus into it too. However, I am certainly not as holy as this lady was who spoke, but I have met a few very holy people. Like her, I would like to write a book some day. (Correction: I've written a book (or two). I just would like it to be published.)

But for now I ask Mother Theresa to please pray for us and to bless this woman who came to speak to us.

I'm hungry. Gotta go eat my spaghetti and get some sleep.

Cold and Catholic

I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
...but I'm discovering I am apparently not as smart as most other Catholics who have time warped into 2010 from 1962. (They must be Star Trek fans.)

Recently I feel like my Catholic church
has become a foreign religion.
A simple step inside of it recently
has changed everything for me.

I feel like a certain group of special people get it
and I don't,
and the people who get it,
don't care that I don't get it,
and are tired of my questions about it.

Someone has been given the power
to rip away all that I have loved,
turn it upside down,
and tell me it is good, maybe even better,
in many ways, than what I know to be true.
But is it really good? This is my question.

I mean no disrespect, but I can't help how I am reacting to all of this.
It just grates against my spirit in a way that makes me feel faint.

I feel like
my faith home
has evaporated.
Like the book,
I have found myself
"LEFT BEHIND" and alone.
(not that I read it, but I know about it.)

Let me tell you of my woe.

I walked into my empty beloved church
and there was a casket in it.
No body was inside, at least I hope their wasn't.
Just a casket draped in black.
6 unlit candles around it.
Blackness on the altar table.
It seemed as if blackness was everywhere.
I felt like I was walking into a halloween movie.

Nobody prepared me for this.
Nobody informed me about this.
Was it supposed to be a joke or a surprise?
Nobody told me it was a show,
a presentation, a drama ~ more than a mass.
Nobody told me that the props
and music would be more important
than Jesus Christ himself.

But wait, the ad in the paper did.
The ad said the Mass featured music
and listed it too in detail.
Isn't a mass supposed to feature Jesus Christ,
and not music?
I thought Jesus was supposed to be the main attraction.
Was it a concert or a Mass?
Confusion reigned supreme
and a heavy weight crushed my soul
as I read those dreaded words.

Sudenly the Eucharist took second place
to hymns sung in a dead language.
Or so it seemed to me.
They will tell me I am wrong,
but did you ever read the "Emperor's New Clothes"?
(I rest my case)

The newspaper ad, the surprise casket,
all the props to distract us from the eucharist,
which would soon be hidden from the people anyway
tucked behind the vestments, shrouded in secrecy and exclusivity.

I wasn't prepared.
I couldn't take it any longer.

So anyway, I digress.
There I was just steps inside
what is supposed to be my beloved Catholic church.

I couldn't move any further.
I stood frozen in time.
I stared.
I thought.
The casket and all its blackness before me.
That was the end of that.

I looked passed the
assumed empty casket
towards the Tabernacle
which DID hold a body,
the living body,
of my sweet Jesus.

All I could say to Jesus was
"This is way too creepy for me.
I can't deal with this."
And I left.
I walked out.
I didn't even have it within me to cry.
It wasn't worth it.
Why try to swim with cement around your feet?

What ever happened to the church I knew?
Did someone throw me into a time machine
going back to 1962?
I think so.
Either that or it is a good dream gone bad.

Would someone please tell me why our beloved Pope is making us relive history - a part of history that was changed by Vatican II because it was no longer ministering to the people?

I've tried to embrace these backward changes.
I've asked questions until blue.
I've prayed, studied, read,
watched and waited for explanation.

I've tried so very hard, with no "Good job. Hang in there, you'll get it. It's worth the effort. Ask all the questions you want and we'll be patient with you because we want you to love this as much as we do." Nope, instead I heard in reply "it isn't for everyone" and "you don't have to come." Ahh...such encouraging and consoling words, aren't they? Makes me wonder why I didn't give up months ago.

I don't know what to do.
So for now I will go into the corner
and stay there for a while.
there in the corner I will pray.
I will ask for understanding,
and enlightenment,
and infused knowledge
because the only one that
seems to care how I feel
about these backward changes is Jesus.

I want to PRAISE Jesus
I want to shout Alleluia!
I want to sing songs in english,
songs with guitars, pianos,and drums,
and not an organ scraping its nails as if on a blackboard.
Whatever happened to the harp and lyre
that the Psalms talk about?
I want to hear the Mass prayed in English
with reverence, with music that speaks clearly of this celebration,
with people who care about each other, and with Jesus
in the Eucharist consecrated in front of my eyes.

I want to have a community.
I want smiles and joy.
I don't want to have to
sit way over to the side
and have to work hard
to peek around a priest
to see Jesus arrive on the altar.

I want to UNDERSTAND
what is going on.
I am so tired of trying.
I am so tired of trying to fit in.
I don't think I will try again for a long, long, time.

Why is everything a struggle right now?
Why is God allowing such
distress within my soul?
Why do I feel so alone
in a church full of people?

I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
At least this matters to Jesus.

Forget "cool and Catholic".
it feels like my church is becoming "cold and Catholic"..
Can someone turn up the thermostat please?

I end this blog tonight feeling very "stupid and Catholic".. and very unworthy,for truly all that I cannot understand must be due to my lack of inteligence. So I ask for your prayers.

....I will truly never be a saint at the rate I am going.

Obstacles

Today our pastor talked about Obstacles in our relationship with Jesus. This was to coincide with the gospel reading of Zacchaeus.

I have obstacles. I'm working on them. What worries me is the obstacles within myself that I don't know about - that I am not aware of.

I want to be holy. I try. I'm really hard on myself, but still I fail.

Lord, help me become aware of the obstacles placed between you and me and help me to remove them - or better yet, please....you remove them because you can do it better. Then maybe I will become the person you want me to be. Like Zacchaeus I am climbing every tree I can see in order to see you better, and it pains me to think of the times you might have invited me down and I have not heard your voice.

Invisible Catholics

Given that tomorrow is Halloween and our secular world focuses on all things strange and odd, I thought talking about invisible Catholics would fit right in for my topic tonight.

Have you ever seen an invisible Catholic? Seriously, have you?

Invisible Catholics go to Mass regularly. They sit in the pew next to you. They pray. They participate in the Mass. They go to Holy Communion. You walk by them on the way out, but you don't know they are there.

Invisible Catholics see you. You just don't see them. Sometimes the priests don't even see them because they are too busy trying to catch up with the visible Catholics. Other parishioners don't see them either because they usually only pay attention to the people they are with.

I'm not talking about the angels and saints that are always present at Mass. I'm talking about people, human beings, children of God just like you....who sit in the pews longing for someone to say hello and to be welcoming. They've tried to make eye contact, but you didn't see them. It is like you look right through them to see somebody, or something, more important. They've even said hello a time or two to you but you did't hear them ~ or maybe you heard a faint voice and quietly muttered a greeting in return, but that was it. They would be so grateful if someone would see them. It is not their desire to remain invisible, but they are too afraid to show themselves.

I think there are more invisible Catholics in our churches today than visible ones. That is one reason why only 30 percent of Catholics go to church because many Catholics got tired of being invisible and so they left. It is a challenge to go to church if nobody cares that you are there or asks you how you are doing. The invisible Catholics that do stay despite the coolness within the church have a good understanding of the Eucharist and won't leave no matter how much they are ignored, but many others just walk away.

I think priests and other church leaders are so overloaded with duties that they do not have the energy or the time to look at an invisible person and say "There you are! I see you! How are you? Welcome!". They become like the others and let the invisible person stay invisible. It is easier that way isn't it?

Heck, I know a lot of invisible people who have tried to become visible, but it was too scary so they went back undercover. To step out and be visible is risky in today's church. I know someone who kept trying really hard to be visible, almost to a fault, but the pain of stepping out each time became greater and greater, so it was back to the realm of the invisible.

I think sometimes those who are visible are happy with the status quo and like the invisible people to be there to take up space because somehow the church feels more full that way. Invisible Catholics are usually quiet, gentle, shy people who have a really strong faith, but don't want to step on anyone's toes. Every once in a while they may get the courage to step out into the visible world to share a profound thought or opinion. But the visible people just smile and nod, and turn away, much prefering the status quo. The visible people have an extremely difficult time being welcoming for fear the invisible people will take over and they will lose their status. This may not be conscious on their part, but it is a dynamic in this problem.

Someday it will be the invisible who will be running the church because Jesus said "the meek shall inherit the earth". I think that is what the visible people are afraid of. It is the tax collector bowing silently in the back of the church and the child who the apostles push away that Jesus invites to come closer to Him. It is the adulterous woman who is a nobody to her village that Jesus goes to. It is the outcast that Jesus is drawn to. It is the person of great faith who people think is wierd. These are the meek.

The visible people have to realize that if they would only be more welcoming; perhaps if they would smile and nod, or introduce themselves, the invisible Catholics would have the courage to step out of their fear and respond, and the visible people would see that the invisible people really don't want to take over. They just want to be "a part of".

I think invisible Catholics have a deep relationship with Jesus because He is all they have. The rejection from the visible Catholics force them into solitude and prayer with Jesus, who is always there to welcome them. So I guess this is a perk to being invisible. But I must say that visible people many times don't outright reject an invisible Catholic, as I mentioned above. It is more like they just don't notice them at all, but that in itself is a silent rejection of sorts. In their silence the invisible Catholics gain wisdom that could be of value to the visible Catholics, if they would only listen. The visible Catholics could use their position in the parish in a very powerful way if they would only be more open and welcoming to the invisible Catholics.

Invisible people would feel more courageous if our priests and bishops would tell the visible people that they won't melt if they talk to an invisible person, and they won't be robbed of their special place in the parish for welcoming someone who is invisible.

Jesus, open our eyes. Let our church shine the way you want it to shine. Let the visible people be more welcoming and give courage to the invisible, and give our leaders, clergy and laity alike, the power to be good role models of welcoming and warmth.

When all else fails....

When all else fails...Jesus is always there.

When life gets really rough and things come against me, the first person I run to is Jesus. St. Peter said in scripture to Jesus: "To whom else can we go Lord, you have the words of everlasting life.". Even during a time when I was very angry at God, I knew that there was really nobody else to go to - no other God. It was Him. Jesus Christ.

No matter what goes wrong, or right, my "go to" Person is always Jesus. He can handle my anger and disappointment. He is the "go to" Perosn when I need help. He sends his grace and angels to help me in ways that surprise me every day. Truly, there IS nobody else to go to than Jesus for real action. He does have the words of eternal life. He IS the Alpha and the Omega. The buck stops with Him.

I guess, what I'm saying is when all else fails....Jesus doesn't.

Got Grace?

In the last couple of days I have had a growing awareness within my soul that God has given me a little extra dose of Grace.

This Grace is expressing itself in the form of an increased confidence and trust that God will take care of me and that everything will be okay.

To be honest, this is a bit of an odd feeling for me. I do trust God alot, but this extra dose is really noticeable and is changing how I move through my days.

I have been a little more relaxed despite having to deal with very stressful things. I have felt a little more inner peace. I have had more of an eternal perspective.

I truly hope that this Grace sticks with me. Thank you Jesus.

Believing and Loving

Today I had a thought....

The sun had just set. I was walking a dog. All was quiet. The moon was shining brightly. I was walking up a small hill and it dawned on me....

The thought I had was that just because someone believes in Jesus, doesn't necessarily mean that they love Him.

I know lots of Catholics who believe in Jesus, but their belief in Him doesn't necessarily affect their lives, or rather, how they live their lives.

If someone loves Jesus, then their lives are changed, and they behave differently in the world.

This was my "big thought" for the day and I wanted to share it with anyone out there in cyberspace who likes to think about these things.

Have a good night. I'm beat and ready for sleep.

More than I think I am?

Today somebody challenged me to realize that I am more than I think I am.

I have to take that line and reflect on it through the eyes of my faith.

Who do I think I am? In faith,I am a child of the Almighty God. In practice, I realize that I am a terrible sinner who is a child of the Almighty God, who is in need of healing.

Is it even important for me to think about who I am? I suppose so, but only in so much as this thinking will ultimately help me see who I am in Christ. If the focus is on me in a self-centered way, that is not good.

What does it mean to "realize" ? To become aware....to know.....to see the truth....I think that changes day by day. It depends on my level of sinfulness on any given day, but should it? Shouldn't it be a constant thing? I shouldn't let my emotions determine who I should "realize" I am.

I am challenged. ( ha ha ha ) Everyday I am challenged. The devil, our society, my own mind, attacks and challenges me each day, and I have to have the spiritual courage to rise to the challenge.

So tonight I am challenging myself to think about how I am truly more than I think I am on any given ordinary day. I am a child of God.

What does it mean to be a child of God? WOW. That will take me a lot of thinking, so much so that I will not write anymore tonight about it. I have to think on it in private.

I wish so many things...

Tonight I am feeling uneasy inside.

I am thinking of all the problems in the world and it makes me sad.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I have always been like the princess and the pea (see one of my earliest blogs for info on this if interested - March 3, 2010).

I wish I could help people more than I do. I wish I were rich and could give money away to help others. I wish I could help my parish more. My parish is undergoing some repairs and they are costly. I wish I could help out more ~ or better yet, I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everything better.

I hate to see people stressed out, including myself. It seems like everyone in our country right now is on edge due to the economy and many other things.

I wish I could be a better person. I really try, but sometimes I just mess up. (Thank God for confession). I do or say the wrong thing. I put my foot in my mouth. I sometimes get a little too emotional about things. I feel so passionate about so many things and I guess sometimes I try too hard, or perhaps I need to try harder? My intentions are good, but you know they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

Will I ever be enough to really make a difference in the world? or even my own little community ? It seems that our world is moving so fast that people don't even have time to sit and chat. We are definitely becoming human "doings" instead of human "beings". That is how I feel sometimes.

I just know in my own life how hard it is to make time for the things that really matter. There is all this meaningless stuff that we have to get done in our days and what does it amount to? Wasted time.

What does Jesus want us to do and to be? How can we really be what he wants us to in today's world?

I wish I could BE more as well as DO more. I wish I were enough instead of "not enough". Part of me feels like I have so much to give to the world, but then the other part of me says that I don't have anything much to give. I can do a lot of things. I am very capable, but I don't think my gifts are needed right now. I am like a fallow field, waiting to be useful.

Many times I feel like I am just a pain to everyone, and the last thing I want to do is annoy people. These last few years people ( who will remain nameless ) have made me feel like I am nothing but a bother and shouldn't take up space on this planet. I'm beginning to think that I am hopelessly flawed, although I know God doesn't make junk, but that is how I feel sometimes.

I just wish I could belong somewhere. No matter how friendly I try to be, it seems like I always end up standing on the outside of the circle saying "Hey people...why don't you let me in? Will someone please tell me what I did wrong? Can you please tell me what it is I have to do in order to be included in your circle?" And they don't answer.

They never do.

So I keep praying and trying because I have faith that there is a reason for things, and there is supposed to be something I have to learn through all of this.

Oh, how I wish so many things........

Being a "truly single Catholic" in the Church today

Before I make my comments on the subject of my blog tonight I want to clarify what the words "truly single Catholic" mean. I feel I must offer my definition because many people I've talked to have different definitions. Being a truly single Catholic, as defined by me, means that an individual has lived according to the teachings of the Catholic church throughout his/her life and have never been married or lived with someone in co-habitation (a.k.a. shacking up).

Many Catholics today think "single" means you can be divorced or widowed because you are "single again". I am of the belief that a person cannot go back and be truly single once they have been married. Why? Because remaining single and Catholic is very different from being divorced or widowed and Catholic because of the history of what a person has experienced. Both divorced and widowed people experienced marriage in its various aspects, single people have not. So while single people are living out their lives as Catholics, their perspectives on the world and relationships are very different because they have not experienced the variety of things that divorced or married people have.

I must also add that being truly single does not mean being a single parent. Yes, a single parent may not be married, or have never married, but they have still experienced part of the marriage experience by having a child with someone, or by someone, if I can be a bit blunt about it. A single parent may have been with someone for only a night and that night resulted in a pregnancy. A single parent, never married, or who has previously been married, has some of the responsibilites of someone who is not single because they have a child and are a parent. I hope this doesn't come across as insulting to single parents, who very often view themselves as single. In my definition though, they are not truly single, only single in circumstance.

Someone who is truly single does not have children, is not living with someone, and is not divorced or widowed. They are plainly single in all aspects of their lives. They are living, and have always lived, a chaste life as expressed in the teachings of the Church. It is this experience of being truly single that they bring to the church. I hope this definition makes sense to you.

So here you have some people who are truly single and are members of the Catholic Church. Add to this fact that some of these single people feel that they are not called to be married, and are not called to the priesthood or religious life, but feel called to just remain as they are, giving their whole selves to their church, their friends, and to where God sends them in the world, even if it is just their local community. Wasn't it St. Paul who said that it was better to remain single? Here is what St. Paul says in Corinthians: "I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction."


The purpose of this blog topic is not to discredit people who are single parents, divorced, or widowed, but to bring to the forefront truly single Catholics - a topic that is rarely, if ever, thought about in the church today.

This brings me to wonder how those who are married, divorced, widowed, single parents, or consecrated priests and religious, view people who are truly single.

Granted, truly single people may not be "the norm" in the Catholic church, or even the world, but still they are just as important as anyone else in the church. What are the stigmas that truly single Catholics have to deal with in the church today? Well, truly single Catholics have to deal with people assuming that there is something wrong with them that prohibits them from having a long term committed relationship. Other people just assume they are gay. Sometimes truly single people are unintentionally ostracized because the Catholic church focuses so much on families. Sometimes truly single people are looked at "in suspect" (I dont' know what other term to use) if they are seen having a cup of coffee or a talk with the spouse of someone in the church, or with a priest (if the single person is a female). If a male, and the male wants to help with say...young people....well sometimes people think "why is that person hanging out with youth so much and not with a girlfriend?". What if God is calling this male to work with youth as a minister or catechist? Given the scandals in our church during the last several years I can see where someone might think that, however, let us be reminded that the scandal was very sadly started by a small number of very dysfunctional clergy and not the lay people. (But that is another topic for another blog.) Why should this person be suspect just because he has a special charism with youth? Do you get where I'm going with this?

I think our world is so scandal crazed that if anyone does anything out of the "box" society has created, they are suspect, especially in the Catholic Church. But hey, I guess we should just tell people to look at people like St. Joan of Arc, Catherine of Sienna, and St. Francis? I bet they got their share of raised eyebrows !! These three people were solely focused on doing the will of God and that made their societies and probably their local parishes very uneasy. They were all a little "off" in their societies opinions wouldn't you say? Joan of Arc, a teen, should have been dating or staying home learning to cook instead of fighting battles for Jesus. Catherine should have been married too instead of "interfering" with church leadership, and St. Francis should have stayed home and spent his daddy's money and married into another weatlthy family!

God calls people as He wills, and who are we to say that truly single people are somehow flawed more than the average person because their life's goals might be a little different than what society's are ?

I am digressing a little bit here....but I have so many thoughts on this issue.

Another myth about truly single people is that they must be incredibly lonely. Well you know what? The lonliest people I have met are people who are married! Single people get lonely once in a while too. Everyone does, but please don't assume someone is lonely just because they are single.

There is a difference between being ALONE and being LONELY. Now, sometimes being alone isn't so great in the church either because I find that oftentimes truly single people are ignored or forgotten in the church more than anything. It seems as if the only thing a church knows what to do with truly single people is to stick them on a committee to try and give them a sense of community. Now that is not a bad thing necessarily, but when the person is only on a committe or involved in a ministry, but then forgotten at other times in parish life, that is not good.

I think it would be nice if the church would recognize that some people are not called to be married, or called to the priesthood or religious life, but are just called to single, living for Jesus. Trying to make a difference.

Another thing a Catholic church could do is to encourage families to invite a truly single person to attend church functions with their family. Some single people ( and this includes widowed and divorced people too ) don't attend church functions because they have to walk into a room full of people and they see couples and families and set clicks and there is nobody to welcome them. You will see these people try. They will come in to a gathering. They will look around. They may hover over by the punch bowl and look like they are looking for someone, but then after several minutes of nobody being hospitable and welcoming them to their table, or into their converseation, they will quietly slip out the door.

Another thing that could be done is if priests would acknowledge single people occasionally in their homilies. Even comments like...."here in our parish we have all sorts of people young, old, married, single, widowed, etc...". Perhaps priests could also bring out the wonderful gifts truly single people bring to the parish becasue they might have a more free schedule than married people or single parents.

I also believe that priests and church leadership need to recognize that truly single people also see the church as their family in a different way than other parishioners do. There is more of a connection to the parish as "family" and they need to have a role in that family system. In short, they need to be needed, welcomed, embraced, and respected. Sadly, most often they are met with the opposite.

I'm hoping that some of my words are bothering whoever is reading this tonight because these are things that need to be said and it might make people think about the truly single people in their churches. Raising awareness is the first step, as they say.

I think it would also be nice if priests would occasioanlly acknowledge truly single people for their commitment to the parish and to Jesus. Truly single CATHOLICS are truly single FOR JESUS. They may not be consecreated, but their entire focus is on Jesus and what they can do to help the church. Prayer is a priority for truly single Catholics because Jesus is the focus of their lives, in whom they find meaning, direction, and consolation.

Truly single people are often the people in parishes that fall through the cracks and are afterthoughts. They are just as much a part of the parish family as everyone else but they often do not feel a sense of belonging. If not embraced as an equally respected, important part of the parish family, in time, they will shrink back and just sit in the pews week after week, year after year,or they will leave. The sad part is that when they leave, nobody notices.

One more thought: Truly Single Catholics have a responsibility too. They have to make their needs known from time to time ( hence the reason for writing this blog tonight). They have to try and initiate a connection with their parish family as best they can. It is a give and take.

This is what I am thinking of tonight. I hope it makes you think too. (I think I broke a record with the length of this blog entry....Oooops ! )

Update on T.M.I.C.A.M.

Well, I did take Monday off from the J.O.B. this week. We had good weather. I was going to do projects, but then I just knew deep inside that I needed a real break. There were a few unavoidable responsibilities that I had to complete but aside from that I had a really relaxing day.

I hung out with some cool cats and a dog. I had lunch with a friend by the water. Then we took a nice walk in the perfect air temperature. Then I came home and I took an hour nap in my hammock in the back yard. Oh, and I went to morning Mass - a "not to miss" event in my day.

Like I said, I could have been doing so much more, but you know what? I'm glad I took a chunk of my day to have a rest. My blood pressure went down and I actually felt a little bliss and contentment.

Wish I had more days like that, but this morning I hit the pavement running and it will be quite some time before I get another opportunity for a real break. I'm thankful I had Monday.

T.M.C.A.M.

T.M.C.A.M. = "Too much coming at me".

Today was a very hectic day. This year has been a hectic year. Today I was so busy at my J.O.B. and on the way home I started to get some little twinges of stress in my chest. All my muscles were so tight in my body.

It made me think that ya never know when someone will croak and leave this earth. You know that saying that at the end of their lives, some people say they regreted spending too much time at the office. Too much work. That is what 2010 is like for so many people, me included.

How do we get off of this monstrous ferris wheel that we've gotten ourselves on? I got off once - for four years. I was an entrepreneur. It was very tough financially. I was really poor, but God got me through. However, my days had a flow to them and I had more freedom than having to work 9 - 5. I worked hard, but it was a different hard than what I do now. I want to be an entrepreneur again and have to start working towards that goal. I have a plan too and I will start putting it into practice after Thanksgiving when my schedule shold calm down a little bit.

But I was thinking of my death...when would it happen? Not that I want to know, but when my chest started twinging today I thought "wow, what if I'm having a heart attack?". Of course I wasn't, but it made me think.... in the course of my thinking I figured that people would miss me maybe a week and then I'd be forgotten. Sad, but true. But, they may miss me a whole month at work until they find someone to take my position. Other than that...someone would eventually take over my spot in the third pew in front of the tabernacle and my memory would probably very quickly fade away.

I did buy a grave plot this year, well, I'm paying on it. It is in a lovely spot. It is on a little slope, with a tree with white flowers in the springtime. I wanted a little view since I'd be there until the second coming ! LOL ! It is in my neighborhood too so when I rise for the final judgement I will know where I am. LOL !

However, I digress....lately there is just too much coming at me. Too much stimulation. Too much "in my face". I hardly know where to turn next. It doesn't matter if it is at home or work, I have so many responsibilities right now. I truly think that I will have to take a day off from work next week just to try and slow down a bit and get some things done.

So, this is too long. I don't even know who I am writing to. I don't know if anyone is reading my little blog. Probably not, but I am tossing it out in cyber space. It is a different way of journaling and despite what I write from my heart, it is very edited and not too personal. At least I don't think it is.

This is just my opinion anyway.

Needing time...

Today I am wishing that I could have more prayer time. My schedule has been such that for the next 8 weeks or so I can't take my usual prayer time after work. I can take some time, but it is more brief a time period than I would like.

I know I can pray in the car and while I'm doing things, but the kind of prayer time I really have been into these last few years is just being before the Blessed Sacrament in my third pew from the tabernacle, or kneeling or sitting right in front of the tabernacle in my very quaint and very adorable Catholic church.

I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can give myself my own little mini-retreat. I will bring my prayer book, my journal, my Bible, my sketchpad, and get settled in for a good few hours of quiet time and conversation with the One and Only Prince of Peace Himself, Jesus Christ.

Until then I will have to deal with the snippets of time and maybe I will get a good few chunks of time in prayer. But this time of year it is difficult to have the certain amount of prayer time that I want. I'm sure Jesus understands. But I miss Him when I can't be in my favorite prayer spot.

Oh well, people may think I am strange, but I really don't care. People who like to pray will understand what I am talking about.

In the mean time, the days are getting colder and shorter, and my schedule is getting busier. I have to pace myself. Soon it will be Thanksgiving and then it will be oh so much better.

That is all I want to say tonight.

Blessings received...

I had a few surprises today.

First, someone invited me to lunch.
Second, someone else invited me over their house for tea.
Third, I received the gift of a beautiful cross necklace.
Fourth, someone wanted my opinion.

I did't expect any of these things. God decided to bless me through these people.

I was going to work on my fixer upper today, but these opportunities arose so I figured it was God saying "take a break" and "go do something interesting". So I did.

Thank you Jesus.

Theology and Sanity

Years ago I read a book called "Theology and Sanity" by Frank Sheed. It was a big fat book. The kind of book where you read a line and think about it for a while before going on to the next line.

Today something he said in the book has come back to me. Actually, I've been thinking about it for a while now.....in the book he stated that today many people say "God is in everything", when the reality is that "Everything is in God".

Lately, that thought has been helping me feel more calm. It is not just that God's holy spirit lives in me, but that my whole being and everything around me lives in God. Today I pictured myself, and all of creation, "in the belly of God" so to speak - like a type of a Jonah and the whale scenario (but better).

If we live in God, then we are safe because God is all around us and we cannot get lost if we are in God.

But then the question of evil popped into my small mind. And I thought....if everything is in God, and God is all goodness, then how can evil also be present?

Hmmmm....so then I was thinking...of original sin and Adam and Eve, and found myself getting ticked at them again. (It is all their fault if you ask me). But I digress...

I guess I'm back to the "weeds and the wheat". Because we have free will, humanity can and has, invited evil in. God tolerates it because it isn't time yet to separate the sheep from the goats and the weeds and the wheat.

So, then I thought.....if there is evil present in all things that are really living within God, are we truly safe? After all, one can walk across the street and get killed, or one can be an innocent embryo in his/her mother's womb and get killed, and all that still lives in God.

Are we more safe then, when we ignore or turn from evil and invite God in more than evil? Definitely yes. That is my thought anyway.

So the more we trust in God. The more we ask Him to keep us safe and to be with us, then the safer we will become. Darkness disappears when a candle is lit, so if we cleanes our hearts and try to stay sinfree, then God is all the more present to us, and dispels the darkness.

But still then, all things, good and bad, live with in God. Something tells me that I should not imagine all this as a physical being of God, as some giant person, holding all things within, for God Himself has no boundaries - no beginning and no ending...I don't think my mind is large enough to understand this subject.

So I will quit thinking about it for now. But I do feel more peace knowing that I am living IN God because that is exactly where I want to be.

...and I love being very close to His heart when I visit him in the Blessed Sacrament. That is truly my happy spot on the planet - very close to my sweet Jesus...the one who is within me at the same time I am within Him. I guess that is what communion is all about.

Thoughts on forgiveness

Tonight I am thinking about Trust and how hard it is to rebuild it after it has been broken. This topic also blends in with forgiveness. Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven. That is hard enough to do. Then you have to think about what happens after you forgive....

Does forgiveness mean you have to welcome back people into your life who have been toxic or dangerous to you, especially if they take no ownership or see no problems with their past behavior?

Does forgiveness mean that you have to forget? What if you can't forget? What if you want to forget but the memories keep coming back? What if you pray so hard to forgive like Jesus did and desire to forget the wrongs that have been done to you, but you cannot?

I think forgiveness is a great thing. I believe I practice forgiveness. But I don't believe when you forgive someone you have to let them back into your life because you think they will come right back in and hurt you some more. I think that would be stupid and foolish.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" - I'd like to be forgiven that way. I try to fully forgive, but it is so difficult to forget sometimes. I can "overlook" but I can't "forget". Maybe that is just about as good as I'm gonna get with this during my life time and I might have to figure out the rest in Purgatory.

The "good thief" who hung next to Jesus on the cross was forgiven because he recognized his sinfulness, and repented. There are many people in this world who just think they should be forgiven without repenting first. How can forgiveness be complete without repentence?

Ok. Maybe I'm getting myself confused here....there are two parties to forgiveness in human relationships: the one being forgiven and the one doing the forgiving. The one being forgiven doesn't HAVE to be repentent because the other person is choosing to forgive. But I don't think the relationship can be healed without the person who is being forgiven also being repentent. Otherwise they will just keep on doing the same hurtful things and eventually people will just walk away from them again and again. They have to realize the error of their ways before the other person might try to let them back in his/her life.

I hope this makes sense. Sometimes I think deep thoughts, but when I try to express what is perfectly clear in my mind, it comes out jumbled.

I think that if someone continually hurts someone, ruins trust, and then repeatedly expects to be forgiven time and time again, that the person who is the one getting hurt ought to get up, walk out, and never come back because the person doing the hurting is abusive and is showing no insight or desire to change.

Jesus doesn't want us to be doormats. He wants us to be respectful to one another. People will sin. People will mess up. Sometimes trust can be healed, but sometimes the hurt is so bad that trust may not be possible. A person may want to trust again, but something deep within them has been so broken that it cannot be fixed and so trust will be broken forever. Now, I know Jesus can even heal that and when that happens it is truly a miracle.

So, I am thinking about these things tonight.

I should also say that the 3rd person involved in a mess between people is Jesus. He is the one who gives power and grace to forgive us and for us to forgive others. I don't think Jesus would tell someone to stay in the way of someone who is continually hurting him/her. What is worse is when someone apologizes then goes and does a hurtful thing again, or when they promise to do something, or stop a behavior, and then they don't.

The world is full of people who don't want to forgive, who don't see the need to forgive, who think they are forgiving but really aren't, and those who truly try to forgive and sometimes are successful and sometimes they are not. Then there are the saints who can truly forgive AND forget.....they are very special.

Me? I forgive a lot. I don't forget most of the time. It just won't go away. But I can act like I've forgotten and move on to a certain degree with the person who has hurt me. If the hurt is severe enough, then I don't. I walk away. I pray for them. I hold no hard feelings for them, but nope...they won't be allowed back in my life. If they were to repent, apologize, recognize the error of their ways, keep their promises and go back and clean up the mess they made in the relationship as much as possible then yes, then I might take the person back. But they must prove that I can trust them again. I know that is probably not the most Catholic way of thinking, but it is really hard. I want to forgive seventy times seven, I really do, and I do the best I can and I forgive the most that I can. I pray to do better.

Lately I am praying: Jesus please teach me to forgive as you forgive. If he answers my prayer I will be much better at forgiveness.

Trust and forgiveness go together. When one or the other is broken, the other is damaged.

Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins. Save us from the fires of Hell, especially those in most need of thy mercy. Amen.

Hermitage hopes

There are some days I wish I could be a hermit, away from everyone but God. There are days I want to hide myself in His care and ignore the rest of the world. There are days when the world I encounter is just too much for me to handle and I want to run into the shadow of His wings and escape life's hassles.

I don't know if you will agree with me or not, but the world has gotten a lot meaner these last few years. Everyone seems stressed and short tempered with one another. I am no exception. I have had my moments these last few months when I've been short tempered too, and I deeply regret those moments.

Sometimes I think the world would be better with me hidden away in a hermitage. What would I do there...in a hermitage? Well, I would have plenty of silence. I would listen to the breeze and look at the stars. I would pray a lot. I would read. I would write. I would create. I would think and plan. I would reflect on my life and my sins and I would try to come up with ways not to bother anyone should I leave the hermitage and rejoin the rest of the people in the world.

I saw some neat hermitages once. It was somewhere on Cape Cod, MA. They were tall square buildings - built on stilts. They were simple and in the middle of the sand dunes. Every once in a while someone would come by and leave food, take mail, etc... but other than that, the person in the hermitage was alone.

Yep....right now I have hopes for hermitage living....at least for a while. I wish I had the money to take the time off to do this.

Busy like a bee

It has been a little while since I have written. I've been very busy with work and other commitments, and to my fixer upper of a house....lots of manual labor in regards to that.

Summer is officially over and I have a time crunch in finishing some of the things I want to do outside before the weather gets too cold. I am sort of looking forward to the cooler weather. My schedule should slow down a little after Thanksgiving and I can focus on some inside projects. Wasn't it Piaget who said "I have other pies in the oven?". Well, I not only have pies in the oven. I also have popovers, cakes, and pizza.

Besides working in my house this winter, I want to write and submit my writings to magazines. I want to do more artwork. I want to read. I want to spend more time in prayer. I want to plan for my future. I want to walk and lose some poundage. I have already made reservations for a retreat weekend for myself. I also want to rest this winter because I've been super busy this year and need some down time. I also would like to connect with new friends.

All these plans are nice, but I've learned that life can take me down different paths and I must entrust my future path to the one and only Jesus Christ. I must surrender my will to His and to trust that His ways are better than mine. So maybe my winter plans will unfold as I have planned, or maybe they will turn out to be entirely different according to God's plan for me.

As the saying goes: I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

Have a good night.

JP2 I love you!

I just finished watching Part one of "Karol, the man who would be Pope" on EWTN. I can't wait for part 2 !

I've been blessed to have seen Pope John Paul II three times in my life. That is the closest I've ever been to a real live saint !

The first time I saw him was in 1987 while on a church pilgrimage. It was in Vatican City. We were at his Wednesday afternoon audience. It was hot. There were tons of people there. I was antsy. I was at a different place spiritually back then and I was very glad to be there, but I also had a time limit and I wanted to get to my life long dream to see the Sistene Chapel before I did anything else. I stayed for most of the audience. It was really really hot. I took some really neat pictures. I left, I think, about 15 minutes before it ended to go to the Sistene Chapel. I gave my items to be blessed to my parish priest and took off with a few friends to the Sistene.

The second time was in 1994. Again in Vatican City. Again, the Wednesday audience. We were the first group to see him after his hip surgery. That is what I remember anyway. But my mood was different then. I was further along in my faith journey and this time I was very eager to see him. He came to the window instead of out in the plaza as he had last time. As the time approached for him to arrive in the window there was such a wonderful atmosphere among all the people. It was like....electric! It was like the biggest rock group was going to walk out on stage any minute and people were so excited. Their excitement caught me and I remember feeling goosebumps and great anticipation. I knew a lot more of who he was at this visit. I had just completed my M.A. and graduated days before this trip. Then, he came to the window and he looked so small compared to the huge window, but I defintely knew that someone very holy was before me. The crowd went wild. It was very cool!

The third time was in Manila, Phillipines for the World Youth day in 1995. That was a very hard trip for me on so many levels. Long story short, I was the leader for 14 or 15 young people. The pastor of the parish told me I had to take them to Manila. I really didn't want to, but I did out of obedience ( it was my job ), but it was a hard trip. Despite the 7.5 million people that arrived - the largest gathering in Christian history, I somehow ended up about 3' from the Pope Mobile and JP2 for about 10 seconds. The pope mobile drove right by me. You have to understand that there were millions of people there. I was hot and sweaty and had hardly slept for days. It was dark and he was on the way to the vigil in the park. I thought for sure I'd have some profound thought when he would go by, but nope. Know what I thought? I thought, boy his vestments aren't wrinkled! That was it. That was my profound thought. He was waving at everyone. Eleven days of crowds beyond belief, bugs the size of my hand, garbage everywhere, smells everywhere, hardly any sleep, a group of very spoiled teenagers under my care, and near starvation, and God granted me a few seconds being very close to the pope. I am still recuperating from that trip. It was my purgatory on earth. But that is for another blog entry...

Tonight I just want to say that I love John Paul II and I miss him very much. I talk to him when I pray sometimes. I ask him to intercede for me. It is wierd because even though he died a few years ago, I can still easily cry when I think of how wonderful he was and how much I miss him.

He was certainly John Paul II the Great. In my book he is already a saint.

You never know......

Once again I am reminded that I never know what is going to be part of my day when I get up in the morning. I may think it is going to be an ordinary day and my plans are written in my calendar, but then things can change.

Today, when I got up, I never would have thought that by the end of the day I would end up attending a funeral at 4 PM for someone I didn't know, and that I would have to call 911 for a situation on my way home from the funeral.

All the more reason to say my morning prayers right away - before I get too far away from my bed after the alarm goes off if you know what I mean.

This is all I want to say tonight.

God's furry and feathery creatures

Tonight I just want to say how much I love my furry friends. Tonight I was walking a little scottie dog - she is one of my furry friends. She is always happy to see me. She always greets me warmly. She is grateful for the love I give to her. She doesn't judge. She is always forgiving. She enjoys God's world. She is a rather meditative dog at times and she will just sit and I can just tell that she is enjoying the breeze by the expression on her face.

Yep, I love God's little creatures. Sometimes I miss my Puffy the cockatiel so much, and the other feathery birds who once graced my life. I would love to see them fly. They were like little comical angels and they were so loving. Some people don't think birds are very affectionate but they are. All my birds - parakeets and cockatiel alike, were very compassionate, affectionate little creatures. When I was sick, Puffy would come and sit on top of my head as I reclined on the couch feeling lousy. She would open her wings to keep me warm.

I could go on and on. If you are a pet lover then you will understand what I am saying. If not, you don't know what you are missing. They are little puffballs of unconditional love - little gifts from our Almighty God for our enjoyment and comfort.

Jesus Christ

J - Jesus is the sweetest name in the universe.
E - Eternal Savior, Love of our lives.
S - Sits at the right hand of the Father.
U - Understands that we are sinners and loves us anyway.
S - Son of God.

C - Cures all of our physical, emotional, and spiritual problems.
H - Holiness personified.
R - Radiant and faithful Friend to all.
I - Inteligence far beyond our own.
S - Song of our hearts.
T - Truth above all truths.

Latin Mass # 15

I survived Latin Mass # 15 today. I didn't cry until AFTER it was over so that is an improvement.

LORD JESUS, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I so much want to love and embrace this style of Mass. Why can't I get it? Please remove all obstacles so I can see what so many other people see in this style of Mass.

Expectations

Today we were supposed to get a hurricane/tropical storm. Everyone expected it ~ the weatherman, the schools, businesses, home owners, etc... People got prepared. They bought bread and milk and water and batteries. All that preparation and in the end, nothing happened but little rain spurts and a slight breeze, if that.

This brings me to think about EXPECTATIONS and how often they are not met.

We all have expectations. I'm thinking about the expectations we have of God. We expect one thing will happen when we pray, and God often thinks another thing. We don't get what we pray for, what we are expecting, and we are disappointed. It isn't that Jesus didn't hear our prayer, but it is that He fulfills our expectations differently sometimes.

I was all set for a tropical storm today. I moved the things from the yard that could fly away in the wind and locked them up. I bought my groceries a day early in case we lost power. I looked to the sky and trees for stormy signs.

The storm never came. So I'm trying to connect that with how sometimes I don't get what I expect from God. I'm not saying that to insult God, but my own MISUNDERSTANDING of how God works. God is God. I'm not. I know His mind is so much bigger than mine and I will never think like He does. God has a reason when He doesn't give us what we expect. I suppose we will understand those reasons when we pass from this world.

Other times, God answers our prayers BEYOND our expectations. This has happened to me many times. I LOVE IT when that happens. Sometimes when God answers my prayers like that it gives me hope and makes me know that God listens to my prayers .... even the small, quiet, private prayers that are sometimes so deep within my soul that they do not even have words. He hears those prayers too.

I think it is fair to say that we should always expect SOMETHING from God, even though it may not be what we are asking for or expecting. We have to be open to the possibilities....

Anyway, this is what I'm thinking tonight. May God have mercy on my incredibly unworthy soul.

On wanting to become holy

I really want to be holy. I think I am on the right path, but after all my many years as a Christian, a Catholic one in particular, I still find that I am on the beginning of the path. THE WAY, as it used to be called.

Many days it seems that I take two steps forward and one step back. Other days it is like I am standing still. Even other days it is like I am sinking in quick sand. Some days, when things are going well, it is like I have wings and am flying.

I love those good days...the days when prayer is easy, the days when I feel so very close to my beloved Jesus. The days when all He has to do is whisper my name and He has my full attention. Other days He is probably calling me and I don't even hear His voice. Such is the human condition.

How did the saints do it? How did they shut out all of the distraction of the world and continue along the way God set before them? In my mind I am thinking that perhaps the difference was their prayer time - maybe it was the amount or the quality of their prayer time that mattered. Maybe they gave more of their time and attention to Jesus than other things. I don't know....but this is what I am wondering about tonight.

I will be sorely disappointed if, when I get to the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Sorry, but Jesus doesn't know who you are." Disappointment isn't the right word - terrorized would be more like it. I do think though that Jesus knows how hard I try and he gives me an "A" for effort on most days. I am counting on His mercy and grace to get me to Heaven because I know I can't do it on my own accord.

But still, holiness seems so easy for some people to attain. Look at the holy priests we have in the world, and Pope John Paul II especially. He had a hard and busy life, but he was a deep thinker and maybe that was a good thing. I have a feeling that his interior life must have been incredibly rich. Other people know right away at a young age that they have a vocation to the priesthood or religious life. Other "good Catholics" like myself seem to go back and forth and never seem to get anywhere.

I went on several "Come and see" weekends in my life and the answer always seemed to come out to "no". Even after the "no" though, I still wonder who God wants me to become. Am I misreading what he is calling me to do? Am I unknowingly putting up an incredible amount of obstacles between me and Jesus?

I remember many many times in my life when I was "in" God's will and I 100% knew it. Those were grand times. The Holy Spirit was so tangible and all I had to do was show up and things went smoothly. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, everything is a chore now. If I feel the Holy Spirit wants me to go "right" and I go, it turns out to be the wrong direction...if "Left" then it too is the wrong direction. So right now I am sort of standing still. I am invoking St. Michael and my guardian angel Matthew to get me through this time of assault and purification.

Needless to say, I am sharing way too much in this post. TMI for you, I know. But hey, I don't even know who YOU are, or even IF you are. Still, I write because it is what needs to be done right now, I guess.

Did you hear that Brother Andre from Montreal is going to be a saint? I think that is cool. I went to St. Joseph's oratory once in Montreal. I think it was 1989 and boy, I had a very special experience up there. Those were the days.

Brother Andre, please pray for me - a grain of sand, trod upon by ugly feet, wishing to become someone Jesus can use. If Mother Teresa longed to be a pencil in God's hand, and became a mighty pen, I can't even long or hope to be a pencil. She is so holy and so wonderful and so selfless. Perhaps I can just be a speck of sand that will cling to someone who will be a pencil in God's hand, and in doing so I might catch a glimpse of the work of God by standing next to a great saint of tomorrow. That would actually be good enough for me - if I could help someone else become a saint - to help mold or encourage someone. I LIKE THAT IDEA. If I can't become a saint I can help someone else become a saint. Hmmmm....I'll have to ponder that some more.

But right now it is time for night prayers and to try and sleep. I've had so much insomnia lately....

Late night thoughts

I am just one person on the planet. I have a brain that I try and use frequently. I try to make the right decisions. I try to live according to God's will for my life and try to discern things prayerfully. I try and seek out answers to my questions from knowledgeable people. I try to be nice to everyone.

In all the above areas I fall short. No matter how hard I try it just isn't enough. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. Other people frustrate me too sometimes. I went to confession on Friday. That did help,but still I have questions.

Sometimes I wonder, if someone truly wants to do God's will and is sincere in all their actions, thoughts, and prayers....then why doesn't the Holy Spirit act powerfully in his/her life? What more is the person supposed to do in order to truly live God's will ?

The psalms state that (paraphrase) my soul longs for thee like a deer longs for running water.....that is what my soul is like. Longing for more of Jesus. I pray. I try to trust. I do all that I mentioned above, yet I am reminded that God's ways are not mine and His mind is much bigger than mine. He, and only He, knows the reasons for the things I'm going through right now. He, and only He, knows why he is not choosing to use me at this moment. I am like a fallow field baking in the hot sun. I am like a parched desert, cracked and arid.

I will continue to wait and pray. I will continue to try and do what I feel is right. I will continue to beg Jesus to make Himself known to me, and to all the world. I truly want to "have life and have it abundantly" as Jesus has promised. But I don't know what I am missing in order to have that life. (I know that doesn't mean material things...).

Oh well, what can I say ? I will go to bed, wake up tomorrow and try my best. I pray that the world will someday accept me for who I am. That is a strange comment, isn't it? I typed it and then decided it was strange. Who am I? I used to know. Now, in this transition phase, I am unsure. I'm not going to worry about it now. It is late and I have to go to bed because I am exhausted.

Tabernacle thoughts

Dear Jesus;

As you know, I was in my little Catholic Church today. I only stayed about 20 minutes I think because I was sort of crunched for time. But still you were there waiting for my visit.

I loved the images that came into my mind while I was there in my pew spot. I imagined the tabernacle opening while I was there and that ocean waves of grace were pouring out towards me. The "waves" were also "wind" and filled with sparkles, and all sorts of wonderful things.... and it was endless.

I don't know how good I did at opening my heart to you at that time because my mind was rather scattered, but I remember that image of the graces pouring out.

It is sure a far cry from what I used to imagine when I was a child. The nuns who taught me catechism used to tell me that Jesus lived in the tabernacle, so for many years, when the priest would open up the tabernacle at communion time, I would try and see passed him and into the tabernacle to see you. I would imagine that inside the tabernacle, it was sort of like a little doll house with your pint sized furniture - a little couch for you, a little chair, a little kitchen ! Really ! As a little girl I loved my doll house and since you lived in your own little "doll house" in church, that is what I imagined it would be like.

Yep...things do change as we get grow in years and faith! You definitely live there, but I've since had the chance to see a tabernacle "up close and personal" many times and there is no furniture in there!
Good night Jesus!

Jesus' violinist

I think it was Abe Lincoln who said "The Lord must have loved ordinary people because he made so many of them."

I'm watching a show on TV now of violinist performing a concert. He is the center of attention. All the thousands of people in the audience came to see him.

Not many of us get the chance to be someone special in this world. Most of us just go through our lives without any notoriety or special attention. Maybe that is why some people get so excited just to have their face on the TV screen for a split second. Maybe it makes them feel like somebody special.

I supposed being treated so special can go to one's head. Maybe that is why celebrities who lose their fame can resort to drugs and alcohol because they have found their life's meaning in the spotlight and once the light is gone, perhaps they think they are not somebody anymore.

I wonder how many celebrities, or any popular person, are aware of the great gift they have in being somebody, and being loved, in the eyes of other people on the planet. I hear celebrities complain about not being able to go out in public and be anonymous because they are always recognized, all the while not realizing the fact that they should be thankful because people know who they are and love them.

Most of us anonymous people in the world will never know what it is like to be somebody special. There are blessings to being anonymous too I suppose, the most important being that someone can go anywhere and not be bothered if they don't want to be.

Then my mind moves to think about how Jesus still would have come to earth and died for even one small anonymous person. Jesus thought we were each a somebody and worth what He did to save us. In Jesus' mind each of us is that famous violinist and the center of His attention. No matter how small and useless the rest of the world might deem us to be, Jesus thinks otherwise.

I know that to be TRUTH, but personally I must say that I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that Jesus thought I was so important that I was worth dying for. I may never understand the depths of His love. I know myself and I know how often I mess up and how often I fall short of the glory of God. Yet, as Scripture says, "while we were still sinners" He came to us. I so appreciate the fact that Jesus loves me.

I hope someday to have an inkling of why he thinks I am so special for I do not deserve the Goodness of who He is, but I am so grateful because without His love and forgiveness I would be damned for all eternity.

Thankfully Dogs don't speak Latin

I have two things I want to say in my blog this morning:

1. I survived Latin Mass # 14 this morning. Thought I was going to have an anxiety attack during the prayers before communion section though. I have so many questions and can't find the answers to them. I have spent so much time and energy trying to understand and learn about this style of Mass and I am still having difficulties. I feel quite alone in this process. It usually takes me two hours to recuperate from a Latin Mass.

2. I know why God created animals / pets. Because he knew people were not going to be truly capable of unconditional love so our pets provide that for us. When people fail us, as they often will, we can always count on the unconditional company, love, and acceptance of our furry friends. Any pet owner, or lover of pets, will tell you that.

These are my morning thoughts. Now it is time for tea and to go see one of God's gifts to me: a little dog. We are going to take a nice walk.I understand dog language a whole lot more than Latin. Mea Culpa. Mea Culpa. Mea Culpa. I know, it is always mea culpa.

Have a blessed day. Pray for me. I pray for you - whoever you are.

Late summer thoughts on prayer

This evening I was walking a dog and thinking. I was thinking about prayer. I was thinking how prayer has two directions: inward and outward.

The inward direction is God pouring his grace and presence into us when we are open in prayer. It is the self-reflective direction where we take a good look at our souls and present it to God. It is the dialogue between us and Jesus.

The outward direction is what happens when we take that prayer time and reach out. It is the living out of our prayers. It is taking that grace and presence that God has given to us and sharing it with the world.

The two directions are sort of like the eb and flow of the ocean's tide: they work in tandem to create waves and movement in the water. So too does the eb and flow of prayer create waves in the world.

This is what I was thinking in between paying attention to the dog, giving her treats, looking at the sky, and participating in the early evening God gave me.

These are just my thoughts and I toss them out to the entire cyber world to think about. I should have been thinking of more practical things like my weekend grocery list and to do list, but that is where my mind went, so I followed it.

Making your own private prayer place

I just came from my own private prayer place - my own little chapel (of sorts). In my little house I have some very basic, unfinished space upstairs. It has that "upper room" quality to it. I always wanted my own little chapel so in the last month or so I finally got around to making one.

My chapel is very rustic, but it serves the purpose. Now, don't get me wrong, my very faorite place is still in the third row in front of the Tabernacle at my Catholic Church. However, lately, due to how I've been feeling and my schedule, I haven't gotten down there as often. So my little personal chapel serves as a good alternative.

I especially like to go up to my chapel after dark. The two (battery operated) candles have a soft glow. I have a picture of Jesus, my relic of St. Pius X, my St. Therese statue, a cross, an old picture of St. Michael, and a few other little things. I have a kneeler too. It is very quaint.

Tonight, it is warm, so I had the window open. I could hear the crickets,and felt the soft breeze of the fan I turned on. All else, was quiet. It was soooooooooo nice.

If you haven't already made your own special prayer place in your house or apartment, please do so. It is such a blessing..... I just wanted to share that tonight.

Lord, I am not worthy...

"Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

Say the word Jesus. Please, say the word.

Jesus is my co-pilot, and my handyman!

When I am really beside myself with home repairs in my little fixer upper I pray. Tonight I got home and it ws 83 degrees inside, so I turned on my central AC - one of the perks of saying yes to this house that needs so much work.

The AC did not go on. I waited and tried again. Nothing. I was bummed because the last thing I need is another expense if you know what I mean. So, I talked to Jesus and asked him to help me. I reminded Him that He and I were in this house together and that I needed his help. I also asked any saint in Heaven who knew anything about AC. I put my hand on the controls / thermostat thingamagig and prayed. I thought of having the faith of a mustard seed and how faith can move mountains. So surely it could move the AC to go on. And then I trusted.

I went into this room to turn on my computer and TA DA !!!! My AC kicked on !!!
So I thanked Jesus big time and said a "Lord's Prayer" and I am certainly " Cool and Catholic" at this very moment !

Call me goofy if you want but I don't care! I prayed. I trusted. Jesus blessed me. Need I say more? I don't think so !

Fr. Gallagher's book

As I mentioned in one of my recent blogs, I'm reading a book called "Discernment of Spirits" by Fr. Gallagher, who was on a show on EWTN. I think it was the "Bookmark" show. Anyway, it is not exactly what you would think it is about from reading the title. It isn't about anything scary or diabolic per se. It is about our prayer life and our spiritual journey and how we have to learn to discern what is of God and what is not of God. It talks about the subtleties of the prayer life and how the Holy Spirit moves and how the evil spirit also tries to move. It is a really interesting book.

It talks about spiritual consolation and spiritual desolation. Very good and helpful stuff for people interested in deepening their prayer life.

I've been reading this book for over a year now....I keep losing the book. LOL! But luckily I keep finding it too. It is one of those books with rather small print and I have to read a line, then think about it, then read some more. I have to underline things too. Sometimes I bring it with me to my little Catholic church and read it before the Blessed Sacrament. When I don't understand something, I just ask Jesus!

There is another one of his books that I bought too, but its name escapes me at this moment. Anyway, if you get your hands on this book, it is a good read.

Just try not to lose it!

Have a blessed night.