On wanting to become holy

I really want to be holy. I think I am on the right path, but after all my many years as a Christian, a Catholic one in particular, I still find that I am on the beginning of the path. THE WAY, as it used to be called.

Many days it seems that I take two steps forward and one step back. Other days it is like I am standing still. Even other days it is like I am sinking in quick sand. Some days, when things are going well, it is like I have wings and am flying.

I love those good days...the days when prayer is easy, the days when I feel so very close to my beloved Jesus. The days when all He has to do is whisper my name and He has my full attention. Other days He is probably calling me and I don't even hear His voice. Such is the human condition.

How did the saints do it? How did they shut out all of the distraction of the world and continue along the way God set before them? In my mind I am thinking that perhaps the difference was their prayer time - maybe it was the amount or the quality of their prayer time that mattered. Maybe they gave more of their time and attention to Jesus than other things. I don't know....but this is what I am wondering about tonight.

I will be sorely disappointed if, when I get to the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Sorry, but Jesus doesn't know who you are." Disappointment isn't the right word - terrorized would be more like it. I do think though that Jesus knows how hard I try and he gives me an "A" for effort on most days. I am counting on His mercy and grace to get me to Heaven because I know I can't do it on my own accord.

But still, holiness seems so easy for some people to attain. Look at the holy priests we have in the world, and Pope John Paul II especially. He had a hard and busy life, but he was a deep thinker and maybe that was a good thing. I have a feeling that his interior life must have been incredibly rich. Other people know right away at a young age that they have a vocation to the priesthood or religious life. Other "good Catholics" like myself seem to go back and forth and never seem to get anywhere.

I went on several "Come and see" weekends in my life and the answer always seemed to come out to "no". Even after the "no" though, I still wonder who God wants me to become. Am I misreading what he is calling me to do? Am I unknowingly putting up an incredible amount of obstacles between me and Jesus?

I remember many many times in my life when I was "in" God's will and I 100% knew it. Those were grand times. The Holy Spirit was so tangible and all I had to do was show up and things went smoothly. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, everything is a chore now. If I feel the Holy Spirit wants me to go "right" and I go, it turns out to be the wrong direction...if "Left" then it too is the wrong direction. So right now I am sort of standing still. I am invoking St. Michael and my guardian angel Matthew to get me through this time of assault and purification.

Needless to say, I am sharing way too much in this post. TMI for you, I know. But hey, I don't even know who YOU are, or even IF you are. Still, I write because it is what needs to be done right now, I guess.

Did you hear that Brother Andre from Montreal is going to be a saint? I think that is cool. I went to St. Joseph's oratory once in Montreal. I think it was 1989 and boy, I had a very special experience up there. Those were the days.

Brother Andre, please pray for me - a grain of sand, trod upon by ugly feet, wishing to become someone Jesus can use. If Mother Teresa longed to be a pencil in God's hand, and became a mighty pen, I can't even long or hope to be a pencil. She is so holy and so wonderful and so selfless. Perhaps I can just be a speck of sand that will cling to someone who will be a pencil in God's hand, and in doing so I might catch a glimpse of the work of God by standing next to a great saint of tomorrow. That would actually be good enough for me - if I could help someone else become a saint - to help mold or encourage someone. I LIKE THAT IDEA. If I can't become a saint I can help someone else become a saint. Hmmmm....I'll have to ponder that some more.

But right now it is time for night prayers and to try and sleep. I've had so much insomnia lately....

Late night thoughts

I am just one person on the planet. I have a brain that I try and use frequently. I try to make the right decisions. I try to live according to God's will for my life and try to discern things prayerfully. I try and seek out answers to my questions from knowledgeable people. I try to be nice to everyone.

In all the above areas I fall short. No matter how hard I try it just isn't enough. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. Other people frustrate me too sometimes. I went to confession on Friday. That did help,but still I have questions.

Sometimes I wonder, if someone truly wants to do God's will and is sincere in all their actions, thoughts, and prayers....then why doesn't the Holy Spirit act powerfully in his/her life? What more is the person supposed to do in order to truly live God's will ?

The psalms state that (paraphrase) my soul longs for thee like a deer longs for running water.....that is what my soul is like. Longing for more of Jesus. I pray. I try to trust. I do all that I mentioned above, yet I am reminded that God's ways are not mine and His mind is much bigger than mine. He, and only He, knows the reasons for the things I'm going through right now. He, and only He, knows why he is not choosing to use me at this moment. I am like a fallow field baking in the hot sun. I am like a parched desert, cracked and arid.

I will continue to wait and pray. I will continue to try and do what I feel is right. I will continue to beg Jesus to make Himself known to me, and to all the world. I truly want to "have life and have it abundantly" as Jesus has promised. But I don't know what I am missing in order to have that life. (I know that doesn't mean material things...).

Oh well, what can I say ? I will go to bed, wake up tomorrow and try my best. I pray that the world will someday accept me for who I am. That is a strange comment, isn't it? I typed it and then decided it was strange. Who am I? I used to know. Now, in this transition phase, I am unsure. I'm not going to worry about it now. It is late and I have to go to bed because I am exhausted.

Tabernacle thoughts

Dear Jesus;

As you know, I was in my little Catholic Church today. I only stayed about 20 minutes I think because I was sort of crunched for time. But still you were there waiting for my visit.

I loved the images that came into my mind while I was there in my pew spot. I imagined the tabernacle opening while I was there and that ocean waves of grace were pouring out towards me. The "waves" were also "wind" and filled with sparkles, and all sorts of wonderful things.... and it was endless.

I don't know how good I did at opening my heart to you at that time because my mind was rather scattered, but I remember that image of the graces pouring out.

It is sure a far cry from what I used to imagine when I was a child. The nuns who taught me catechism used to tell me that Jesus lived in the tabernacle, so for many years, when the priest would open up the tabernacle at communion time, I would try and see passed him and into the tabernacle to see you. I would imagine that inside the tabernacle, it was sort of like a little doll house with your pint sized furniture - a little couch for you, a little chair, a little kitchen ! Really ! As a little girl I loved my doll house and since you lived in your own little "doll house" in church, that is what I imagined it would be like.

Yep...things do change as we get grow in years and faith! You definitely live there, but I've since had the chance to see a tabernacle "up close and personal" many times and there is no furniture in there!
Good night Jesus!

Jesus' violinist

I think it was Abe Lincoln who said "The Lord must have loved ordinary people because he made so many of them."

I'm watching a show on TV now of violinist performing a concert. He is the center of attention. All the thousands of people in the audience came to see him.

Not many of us get the chance to be someone special in this world. Most of us just go through our lives without any notoriety or special attention. Maybe that is why some people get so excited just to have their face on the TV screen for a split second. Maybe it makes them feel like somebody special.

I supposed being treated so special can go to one's head. Maybe that is why celebrities who lose their fame can resort to drugs and alcohol because they have found their life's meaning in the spotlight and once the light is gone, perhaps they think they are not somebody anymore.

I wonder how many celebrities, or any popular person, are aware of the great gift they have in being somebody, and being loved, in the eyes of other people on the planet. I hear celebrities complain about not being able to go out in public and be anonymous because they are always recognized, all the while not realizing the fact that they should be thankful because people know who they are and love them.

Most of us anonymous people in the world will never know what it is like to be somebody special. There are blessings to being anonymous too I suppose, the most important being that someone can go anywhere and not be bothered if they don't want to be.

Then my mind moves to think about how Jesus still would have come to earth and died for even one small anonymous person. Jesus thought we were each a somebody and worth what He did to save us. In Jesus' mind each of us is that famous violinist and the center of His attention. No matter how small and useless the rest of the world might deem us to be, Jesus thinks otherwise.

I know that to be TRUTH, but personally I must say that I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that Jesus thought I was so important that I was worth dying for. I may never understand the depths of His love. I know myself and I know how often I mess up and how often I fall short of the glory of God. Yet, as Scripture says, "while we were still sinners" He came to us. I so appreciate the fact that Jesus loves me.

I hope someday to have an inkling of why he thinks I am so special for I do not deserve the Goodness of who He is, but I am so grateful because without His love and forgiveness I would be damned for all eternity.

Thankfully Dogs don't speak Latin

I have two things I want to say in my blog this morning:

1. I survived Latin Mass # 14 this morning. Thought I was going to have an anxiety attack during the prayers before communion section though. I have so many questions and can't find the answers to them. I have spent so much time and energy trying to understand and learn about this style of Mass and I am still having difficulties. I feel quite alone in this process. It usually takes me two hours to recuperate from a Latin Mass.

2. I know why God created animals / pets. Because he knew people were not going to be truly capable of unconditional love so our pets provide that for us. When people fail us, as they often will, we can always count on the unconditional company, love, and acceptance of our furry friends. Any pet owner, or lover of pets, will tell you that.

These are my morning thoughts. Now it is time for tea and to go see one of God's gifts to me: a little dog. We are going to take a nice walk.I understand dog language a whole lot more than Latin. Mea Culpa. Mea Culpa. Mea Culpa. I know, it is always mea culpa.

Have a blessed day. Pray for me. I pray for you - whoever you are.

Late summer thoughts on prayer

This evening I was walking a dog and thinking. I was thinking about prayer. I was thinking how prayer has two directions: inward and outward.

The inward direction is God pouring his grace and presence into us when we are open in prayer. It is the self-reflective direction where we take a good look at our souls and present it to God. It is the dialogue between us and Jesus.

The outward direction is what happens when we take that prayer time and reach out. It is the living out of our prayers. It is taking that grace and presence that God has given to us and sharing it with the world.

The two directions are sort of like the eb and flow of the ocean's tide: they work in tandem to create waves and movement in the water. So too does the eb and flow of prayer create waves in the world.

This is what I was thinking in between paying attention to the dog, giving her treats, looking at the sky, and participating in the early evening God gave me.

These are just my thoughts and I toss them out to the entire cyber world to think about. I should have been thinking of more practical things like my weekend grocery list and to do list, but that is where my mind went, so I followed it.

Making your own private prayer place

I just came from my own private prayer place - my own little chapel (of sorts). In my little house I have some very basic, unfinished space upstairs. It has that "upper room" quality to it. I always wanted my own little chapel so in the last month or so I finally got around to making one.

My chapel is very rustic, but it serves the purpose. Now, don't get me wrong, my very faorite place is still in the third row in front of the Tabernacle at my Catholic Church. However, lately, due to how I've been feeling and my schedule, I haven't gotten down there as often. So my little personal chapel serves as a good alternative.

I especially like to go up to my chapel after dark. The two (battery operated) candles have a soft glow. I have a picture of Jesus, my relic of St. Pius X, my St. Therese statue, a cross, an old picture of St. Michael, and a few other little things. I have a kneeler too. It is very quaint.

Tonight, it is warm, so I had the window open. I could hear the crickets,and felt the soft breeze of the fan I turned on. All else, was quiet. It was soooooooooo nice.

If you haven't already made your own special prayer place in your house or apartment, please do so. It is such a blessing..... I just wanted to share that tonight.

Lord, I am not worthy...

"Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

Say the word Jesus. Please, say the word.

Jesus is my co-pilot, and my handyman!

When I am really beside myself with home repairs in my little fixer upper I pray. Tonight I got home and it ws 83 degrees inside, so I turned on my central AC - one of the perks of saying yes to this house that needs so much work.

The AC did not go on. I waited and tried again. Nothing. I was bummed because the last thing I need is another expense if you know what I mean. So, I talked to Jesus and asked him to help me. I reminded Him that He and I were in this house together and that I needed his help. I also asked any saint in Heaven who knew anything about AC. I put my hand on the controls / thermostat thingamagig and prayed. I thought of having the faith of a mustard seed and how faith can move mountains. So surely it could move the AC to go on. And then I trusted.

I went into this room to turn on my computer and TA DA !!!! My AC kicked on !!!
So I thanked Jesus big time and said a "Lord's Prayer" and I am certainly " Cool and Catholic" at this very moment !

Call me goofy if you want but I don't care! I prayed. I trusted. Jesus blessed me. Need I say more? I don't think so !

Fr. Gallagher's book

As I mentioned in one of my recent blogs, I'm reading a book called "Discernment of Spirits" by Fr. Gallagher, who was on a show on EWTN. I think it was the "Bookmark" show. Anyway, it is not exactly what you would think it is about from reading the title. It isn't about anything scary or diabolic per se. It is about our prayer life and our spiritual journey and how we have to learn to discern what is of God and what is not of God. It talks about the subtleties of the prayer life and how the Holy Spirit moves and how the evil spirit also tries to move. It is a really interesting book.

It talks about spiritual consolation and spiritual desolation. Very good and helpful stuff for people interested in deepening their prayer life.

I've been reading this book for over a year now....I keep losing the book. LOL! But luckily I keep finding it too. It is one of those books with rather small print and I have to read a line, then think about it, then read some more. I have to underline things too. Sometimes I bring it with me to my little Catholic church and read it before the Blessed Sacrament. When I don't understand something, I just ask Jesus!

There is another one of his books that I bought too, but its name escapes me at this moment. Anyway, if you get your hands on this book, it is a good read.

Just try not to lose it!

Have a blessed night.

What's it all about Alfie?

Isn't it interesting how a person can be all alone even in a crowd? Sometimes a person doesn't feel alone when they are by themselves. But they really notice it when in the midst of a crowd.

Christianity calls us to be brothers and sisters in community....we are after all, the mystical body of Christ. So, why are so many people in the church alone? This is what I'm thinking about tonight. Are parishes too big ? Are families so private that they don't notice that some of the people in their parishes are alone and don't feel like part of the community?

51% of Americans are supposedly single due to divorce or because they are widowed, or because they have never married. 51%. That is a lot. Yet most homilies don't address this. Yes, we have to be focused on family because that is what God wants us to be - a family, but the reality is that families have been in crisis for years.

What are parishes doing to foster a sense of family and community? Yes, we all go to Mass and we all sit under one roof, and we all give the superficial sign of peace when it is time. But after Mass, everyone gets up and leaves. Families stick together. People in established cliques within the parish greet each other. But look further...there are people in the church that get up and leave without anyone noticing.

The Catholic church, as wonderful as it is, and as much as it contains the fullness of Truth, is not great at being a very friendly church, at least in America. This is one reason that people leave the church and why a lot of the little non-denominational churches are filled with disgruntled Catholics. The little churches know how to be friendly and know how to welcome. Imagine if we Catholics were as loving and warm and welcoming COMBINED with the Fullness of Truth - we would have an awesome communtiy and we would change the world very quickly. This is what I think anyway.

So how are we going to fix this? This is my quandry. I want to help fix it. But right now I am one who is not feeling like part of the community. I am just waiting and praying. I have no power. I have no official helping role. I am outside of the circle looking in. As I write this, I don't have the guts to step out and be my usual friendly self within my own parish, for reasons I won't go into here. I am working on it and I think that soon I will have my courage back. I am feeling stronger every week. But for now I sit and talk to my beloved Jesus, Mary, the saints, the angels, and I wait and I pray. I'm trusting that Jesus will work it out and give me the grace I need to make a difference - to bloom where I am planted, as they say.

Maybe Jesus doesn't want me to do anything but sit in the pews for a while? Maybe he wants me to be "fallow land" for a couple of seasons. I am trying to be patient. I see so many needs and I have so many ideas and I can do so much. But for some reason, I have to wait, so I am.

Time will tell. Maybe a real parish family will never happen for me. Maybe I will just have to sit on the sidelines for the rest of my life - without a bio family or a parish family. I guess if that is what happens it is God's will and I have to lift up all the feelings around this and be accepting. Maybe this is how God is going to make me a saint? But, regardless, I will always have my Heavenly family around me when I pray. Since they are the ones I will be with in Heaven ( hopefully I will go there someday ), I guess it is good to hang out with them now, as well as later.

So, these are my thoughts for tonight. I don't mean them to be depressing, but it is just what is going through my mind tonight. It is an interesting church topic and personal topic for me.

T.G.I.F.

Thank God it is Friday. It has been " a week ", as they say. Not that my weekend will be anymore interesting, fun, or relaxing, but it will just be different. I work almost all the time. It is pathetic. I always have a project, or commitment. What I don't have, at least this summer, is fun. Just work. Sometimes I feel like a work horse. It would be nice to have a little luxury every now and then. I'm not talking about materialism and stuff like that. I'm talking more about some real rejuvenating relaxation, some great conversations and great meals with interesting people, a little traveling...things like that. Gosh, even a friendly hug would be nice.

But instead, most days it is the same old stuff - work. work. clean. work on the fixer upper. Pay bills. work some more. At least I have Mass and prayer. Speaking of which, tomorrow is Latin Mass # 13 and I'm already worried about trying to get through it without crying. I really want to understand it - and I am trying like there is no tomorrow. That is also work. I'm counting on the fact that Jesus will bless me somehow for my efforts. I'm praying for infused knowledge and understanding. It takes me about 2 hours to recuperate from a Latin Mass. I don't want to be negative about it. I am just confused and I need a "Latin mass tutor" and there is nobody to be found who is either available or interested.

Oh well, at least it is Friday and I have two days of different types of activities ahead of me. I can't even sleep in. Sigh.... I'm reading a cool book called "Discernment of Spirits" by Fr. Gallagher. He was on EWTN and he directed a retreat I was on. It is a very interesting book.

That is all for tonight.

Pew Pondering

I do a lot of thinking in the third pew in front of the Tabernacle. I know I can bring whatever is on my mind and in my heart to Jesus and He will guide me. Sometimes I try not to think. I try to just "be". That can be difficult. In years past I was very good at BE-ing with Jesus. But to be honest, it has been a few months since I've been able to enter into that sacred part of prayer. Lately I've been trying to get back to BE-ing.

So today I just sat in the quiet of my little Catholic church and tried to BE. After about 25 minutes or so it happened. I was BE-ing. Ahhhh..... I just sat in the quiet, knowing I was in the presence of the one and only Jesus Christ, and I did a decent job of not thinking of anything.

Soon, in my BE-ing I started to feel some peace. I really needed to feel peace today. The quiet around me was so thick and it felt like the angels were protecting me from distraction. Even though I was sitting in the pew I was as comfortable as being under a cozy quilt and it was a Heavenly rest. That wonderful experience lasted about 10 minutes or maybe a little less. Then my stomach reminded me that it was supper time and my BE-ing switched to thinking of what I would have to eat. Such are the trials of being human.

I can't wait to go back and perhaps I can be successfull with BE-ing again. We will have adoration tomorrow morning after Mass and I'm planning on staying for several minutes before I have to go to work. I pray God will grant me that peace in BE-ing once again.