Today I experienced an "oasis moment" in the middle of a desert. I got together with some old friends. It was so nice to be with people who have known me for years and years and years, and that I have known, as well.
Familiar stories. Familiar information. Familiar homes. Familiar histories. A sense of not having to share who I am because they already know. Conversation was relaxed. Laughter came easy. Shared faith. Some conversation was just with eye contact. In many instances, no need to explain oneself because that was already done years ago. A sense of appreciation for just being together. We shared a meal, we shared grace and faith stories.
I am thankful for today. I needed this little oasis so badly. I didn't feel alone today, because for the first time in quite a while, I wasn't.
Nov 26, 2010
Nov 25, 2010
Cast your nets out into the deep...
I think those were Jesus' words to his disciples. He wanted them to cast their nets out into deeper waters and when they did, he blessed them.
That makes me think about how superficial our world is. People talk about all sorts of benign, meaningless things a lot of the time. (I'm including myself in this). As it is with how depth of prayer gets us closer to Jesus, so too does depth of conversation with one another get us into a closer relationship with each other,, and ultimately with God. That's the way I see it anyway.
I have an instense desire for deep conversation about life, its meaning, about all things that have to do with God and our faith, and things of a philosophical nature. I am not a great mind, but I have a desire to have a great mind and these things interest me greatly. The problem is the people with the great minds don't have time to have interns like myself, or they don't have the interest. So, many times I end up reading things that make me think but then I get frustrated because I think when I try and share my thoughts w/ people they get annoyed with me or they think I am a tad off my rocker for wanting to discuss such things.
As far as my small business goes, I have begun my "slow season", which means through the next several winter months I will have more free time. Less money of course, but more free time. I aim to do a lot more reading this winter and more praying. I am going to write, think, and do art work and plan for the next phase of my life. I know....if you want to make God laugh, make plans.... but I will bring my plans before Him in the Blessed Sacrament along the way.
I want more wisdom. I want to know and hang around really great and inteligent and holy people.
Why is life going so fast right now? Yes, my time is a little more free now, but still in general, our world is going so fast. I know I have to purposely choose to make time for things. But for a lot of the time it is as if life's responsiblities have multiplied and we are tricked into thinking that we need all sorts of electronic gadgets, or be involved in things 24/7 that we have no time to breathe or no time for real relationships.
I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to build more relationships with people who I can talk to about the type of topics I have metnioned here, but it is very difficult these days. Married people are, well, married so they have little free time. Single w/ children people have kids to worry about so they have almost no time. Teachers, priests, doctors, authors, administrators have very little time as well.
I should stop complaining. I really should. Who am I to even have such deep desires? I am not even a speck on the bottom of the sandal of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.
Perhaps I am not called to cast my net into the deep waters...perhaps I am called to just float on the waves above. I don't know. I will have to pray about this.
I should just be quiet and know "my place", wherever that is.
So, I think I will. (at least until the next blog topic pops in my mind.)
That makes me think about how superficial our world is. People talk about all sorts of benign, meaningless things a lot of the time. (I'm including myself in this). As it is with how depth of prayer gets us closer to Jesus, so too does depth of conversation with one another get us into a closer relationship with each other,, and ultimately with God. That's the way I see it anyway.
I have an instense desire for deep conversation about life, its meaning, about all things that have to do with God and our faith, and things of a philosophical nature. I am not a great mind, but I have a desire to have a great mind and these things interest me greatly. The problem is the people with the great minds don't have time to have interns like myself, or they don't have the interest. So, many times I end up reading things that make me think but then I get frustrated because I think when I try and share my thoughts w/ people they get annoyed with me or they think I am a tad off my rocker for wanting to discuss such things.
As far as my small business goes, I have begun my "slow season", which means through the next several winter months I will have more free time. Less money of course, but more free time. I aim to do a lot more reading this winter and more praying. I am going to write, think, and do art work and plan for the next phase of my life. I know....if you want to make God laugh, make plans.... but I will bring my plans before Him in the Blessed Sacrament along the way.
I want more wisdom. I want to know and hang around really great and inteligent and holy people.
Why is life going so fast right now? Yes, my time is a little more free now, but still in general, our world is going so fast. I know I have to purposely choose to make time for things. But for a lot of the time it is as if life's responsiblities have multiplied and we are tricked into thinking that we need all sorts of electronic gadgets, or be involved in things 24/7 that we have no time to breathe or no time for real relationships.
I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to build more relationships with people who I can talk to about the type of topics I have metnioned here, but it is very difficult these days. Married people are, well, married so they have little free time. Single w/ children people have kids to worry about so they have almost no time. Teachers, priests, doctors, authors, administrators have very little time as well.
I should stop complaining. I really should. Who am I to even have such deep desires? I am not even a speck on the bottom of the sandal of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.
Perhaps I am not called to cast my net into the deep waters...perhaps I am called to just float on the waves above. I don't know. I will have to pray about this.
I should just be quiet and know "my place", wherever that is.
So, I think I will. (at least until the next blog topic pops in my mind.)
Nov 20, 2010
POWER - a blessing or a curse?
Power is a dangerous thing. It is like natural gas, or lightning, or the force of water flowing over Niagara falls or through the power of a flood.
Power can destroy if not used wisely. Power has to be tempered with wisdom and gentleness, otherwise it can hurt others.
I also believe it needs to be used according to the Will of God.
I encounter powerful people as I go through my days, and I observe. I watch. I think about how they use their power, or misuse it as the case may be. Sometimes I think about the tiny amount of power I might have in the world.
Some people aren't aware of the power they have, or could have, over others. For instance, There are quite a few people who have power and use it to strongly influence my life and sometimes that ticks me off. It is at those moments that I feel powerless. I suppose the only power I have in those situations is to walk away, but sometimes even that isn't possible. Sometimes you just have to endure something, or put up with something, until you can figure out a creative way to get out of the influence of someone else's power.
As I "hear" myself write this I find that I am getting angry with myself. I am an American and independent and I shouldn't have to put up with people telling me what to do and so strongly influencing my life. But the reality is, people do influence my life. People do tell me what to do - whether it is my church or my job or even family members. Then you have to figure in society and our culture and the expectations that are put upon us. Example: the IRS has power over me because they take my hard earned money away from me. My work place has power over me because they tell me what hours I have to work and what my duties are from 9 - 5. My church tells me what I have to do in regards to what is appropriate Christian behavior and what rules and rituals I have to follow or accept. The Catholic church certainly isn't a democracy. Family members have a pull on me too because no matter how much I try to not bother them, they still come out of the woodwork every so often and push all my buttons and no matter how hard I try to rise above it, pray through it, ignore it, etc, they still get to me.
Sometimes I only want to be under God's power, but these other powers in the world pound against me like a rough tide on a sea wall, and it is exhausting.
I'd like to think I am a gentle person. A passivist. I try hard to be a good christian. Part of all those things is humility, obedience, acceptance, compassion, etc... but it is hard sometimes to distinguish those things from being a doormat and that is not good.
Whenever I am given the opportunity to have power I try to remember what it is like to be on the other side of power so I use what little power that has been granted to me in an appropriate manner.
Another thought on power and the power of God is when you think about priests and the power God has given them. I've met some priests who might intellectually know that they have the power to heal, forgive sins, or speak and be the vehicle for Jesus to become present in the Eucharist, but then some aren't proactive with their power. They act like they can't really heal and sometimes I think they forget that their words have power. Or they don't actively engage their parishioners in conversations so as to influence their spiritual growth in a more effective way. Priests have the most wonderful power in the world running through their souls, hearts, and hands, and are specially annointed by God to share His power with the world. In this day and age, we need brave priests who are unafraid to speak the truth and challenge the people in their homilies. By their power they can empower the laity and we can be one force in the world. But the laity needs the leadership of our priests and bishops. But anyway, I digress...that might be a topic for another blog.
Also, parents don't realize the power they have over their children. I believe many parents today are lax in realizing that. They let the schools or society or the media mold their children and then when the kids become teenagers they wonder what happened to their cute little kids because they are not the people they wanted them to turn out to be. But when you let others have power over your kids, then you reap what you sow.
As for me, the only power I think have right now ( and I'm not even sure of that ), is the power of writing - whether it is this little blog that probably nobody reads on the planet, or the few writing projects I am currently working on. I also have the power to influence the lives of small children through my work and I hope I am doing some good. Some days it is hard to tell.
Do I wish I had MORE power? I don't know. Like I said before, power can be a dangerous thing. Even Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, so I guess unless he calls you to have power, it is best to keep quiet.
I guess I just wish the people who have power would realize it, first of all, then discern in prayer how God wants them to use the power they have been given. It always pains me when immature people are given power, and sometimes that is as simple as giving them a microphone on TV. Now, that is a scary thing. Hence, we have reality shows and talk shows and Judge shows, and the news.
If I were given more power I would try and use it wisely. But for now, I have to walk between the lines set before me by those who have the power. I have to sit quiet and wait for either their okay OR for God to blast through and directly tell me what to do and then empower me to do it. So, in short, I will probably just keep sitting quietly and doing my job each day, or sitting in the pew quietly waiting and praying, or waiting in line at the bank, or sitting in traffic...waiting....
Is having power a blessing or a curse? I guess it depends on who gave you the power and how you use it.
I don't think one should purposely go after power for the sake of having it to lord over others. I think power should empower someone to serve humanity.
These are my thoughts tonight....
Power can destroy if not used wisely. Power has to be tempered with wisdom and gentleness, otherwise it can hurt others.
I also believe it needs to be used according to the Will of God.
I encounter powerful people as I go through my days, and I observe. I watch. I think about how they use their power, or misuse it as the case may be. Sometimes I think about the tiny amount of power I might have in the world.
Some people aren't aware of the power they have, or could have, over others. For instance, There are quite a few people who have power and use it to strongly influence my life and sometimes that ticks me off. It is at those moments that I feel powerless. I suppose the only power I have in those situations is to walk away, but sometimes even that isn't possible. Sometimes you just have to endure something, or put up with something, until you can figure out a creative way to get out of the influence of someone else's power.
As I "hear" myself write this I find that I am getting angry with myself. I am an American and independent and I shouldn't have to put up with people telling me what to do and so strongly influencing my life. But the reality is, people do influence my life. People do tell me what to do - whether it is my church or my job or even family members. Then you have to figure in society and our culture and the expectations that are put upon us. Example: the IRS has power over me because they take my hard earned money away from me. My work place has power over me because they tell me what hours I have to work and what my duties are from 9 - 5. My church tells me what I have to do in regards to what is appropriate Christian behavior and what rules and rituals I have to follow or accept. The Catholic church certainly isn't a democracy. Family members have a pull on me too because no matter how much I try to not bother them, they still come out of the woodwork every so often and push all my buttons and no matter how hard I try to rise above it, pray through it, ignore it, etc, they still get to me.
Sometimes I only want to be under God's power, but these other powers in the world pound against me like a rough tide on a sea wall, and it is exhausting.
I'd like to think I am a gentle person. A passivist. I try hard to be a good christian. Part of all those things is humility, obedience, acceptance, compassion, etc... but it is hard sometimes to distinguish those things from being a doormat and that is not good.
Whenever I am given the opportunity to have power I try to remember what it is like to be on the other side of power so I use what little power that has been granted to me in an appropriate manner.
Another thought on power and the power of God is when you think about priests and the power God has given them. I've met some priests who might intellectually know that they have the power to heal, forgive sins, or speak and be the vehicle for Jesus to become present in the Eucharist, but then some aren't proactive with their power. They act like they can't really heal and sometimes I think they forget that their words have power. Or they don't actively engage their parishioners in conversations so as to influence their spiritual growth in a more effective way. Priests have the most wonderful power in the world running through their souls, hearts, and hands, and are specially annointed by God to share His power with the world. In this day and age, we need brave priests who are unafraid to speak the truth and challenge the people in their homilies. By their power they can empower the laity and we can be one force in the world. But the laity needs the leadership of our priests and bishops. But anyway, I digress...that might be a topic for another blog.
Also, parents don't realize the power they have over their children. I believe many parents today are lax in realizing that. They let the schools or society or the media mold their children and then when the kids become teenagers they wonder what happened to their cute little kids because they are not the people they wanted them to turn out to be. But when you let others have power over your kids, then you reap what you sow.
As for me, the only power I think have right now ( and I'm not even sure of that ), is the power of writing - whether it is this little blog that probably nobody reads on the planet, or the few writing projects I am currently working on. I also have the power to influence the lives of small children through my work and I hope I am doing some good. Some days it is hard to tell.
Do I wish I had MORE power? I don't know. Like I said before, power can be a dangerous thing. Even Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, so I guess unless he calls you to have power, it is best to keep quiet.
I guess I just wish the people who have power would realize it, first of all, then discern in prayer how God wants them to use the power they have been given. It always pains me when immature people are given power, and sometimes that is as simple as giving them a microphone on TV. Now, that is a scary thing. Hence, we have reality shows and talk shows and Judge shows, and the news.
If I were given more power I would try and use it wisely. But for now, I have to walk between the lines set before me by those who have the power. I have to sit quiet and wait for either their okay OR for God to blast through and directly tell me what to do and then empower me to do it. So, in short, I will probably just keep sitting quietly and doing my job each day, or sitting in the pew quietly waiting and praying, or waiting in line at the bank, or sitting in traffic...waiting....
Is having power a blessing or a curse? I guess it depends on who gave you the power and how you use it.
I don't think one should purposely go after power for the sake of having it to lord over others. I think power should empower someone to serve humanity.
These are my thoughts tonight....
Nov 16, 2010
Darkness and Lillies
I really do not like that it is getting dark so early in the day now. It really bothers me. I'm not ready for "hibernation mode" until spring. I have plenty to do inside, don't get me wrong, but the darkness is so....well....dark! LOL!
Christmas is six weeks away. The media and stores are all over it with ads and decorations. I'm not ready for that either. I especially don't like to hear Christmas music played in stores before Thanksgiving. The "holidays" are wierd for me because of their major emphasis on families and spending money, instead of on the birth of Christ and his goodness to us.
You know what has been going through my mind the last few days? The quotes from the Consider the Lillies passages from scripture. This is especially timely because I have some worries lately concerning some major house repairs - namely an entirely new chimney that is needed and that is very costly. I keep telling myself "at least I am healthy" and I have Jesus and those are the most important things, and then I remember what Jesus said about the lillies and the birds of the field and I feel better.
God will suffice. I'm hanging on to Him. He knows what I need and I am trying to trust. He has provided for me in the past and I'm sure things will work out this time.
I just wish it wouldn't get so dark so early in the day because sometimes it effects everything both inside and outside, if you know what I mean.
Christmas is six weeks away. The media and stores are all over it with ads and decorations. I'm not ready for that either. I especially don't like to hear Christmas music played in stores before Thanksgiving. The "holidays" are wierd for me because of their major emphasis on families and spending money, instead of on the birth of Christ and his goodness to us.
You know what has been going through my mind the last few days? The quotes from the Consider the Lillies passages from scripture. This is especially timely because I have some worries lately concerning some major house repairs - namely an entirely new chimney that is needed and that is very costly. I keep telling myself "at least I am healthy" and I have Jesus and those are the most important things, and then I remember what Jesus said about the lillies and the birds of the field and I feel better.
God will suffice. I'm hanging on to Him. He knows what I need and I am trying to trust. He has provided for me in the past and I'm sure things will work out this time.
I just wish it wouldn't get so dark so early in the day because sometimes it effects everything both inside and outside, if you know what I mean.
Nov 14, 2010
Time to P.I.C.
My schedule is starting to change with the advance of the colder weather and that is allowing me more prayer time. Today I went to my little Catholic church for some prayer time. In my calendar I mark it: P.I.C. = Pray in Church.
It was so silent and peaceful. Some of the time I wrote in my prayer journal, and I talked with Jesus about a few things. But the last third was just sitting quietly with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The peace was so great and I felt very comfortable.
I'm looking forward to a whole winter of time to P.I.C.. The darkness of night may surround my little church, but inside there is the light of Christ. Outside their may be traffic and all sorts of noise, but inside there is peace in sound and Spirit.
I have a lot of things and people to pray for, and nothing beats 1:1 time with Jesus. When I am with Jesus in my little Church I feel very safe and very protected. There is no better place on the planet than before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and with Him after communion.
So, that is all I have to say tonight. Let us all pray for all holy men and women and for an increase in vocations, and people to desire to pray.
It was so silent and peaceful. Some of the time I wrote in my prayer journal, and I talked with Jesus about a few things. But the last third was just sitting quietly with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The peace was so great and I felt very comfortable.
I'm looking forward to a whole winter of time to P.I.C.. The darkness of night may surround my little church, but inside there is the light of Christ. Outside their may be traffic and all sorts of noise, but inside there is peace in sound and Spirit.
I have a lot of things and people to pray for, and nothing beats 1:1 time with Jesus. When I am with Jesus in my little Church I feel very safe and very protected. There is no better place on the planet than before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and with Him after communion.
So, that is all I have to say tonight. Let us all pray for all holy men and women and for an increase in vocations, and people to desire to pray.
Nov 13, 2010
Falling for Jesus
I did a lot of manual labor this afternoon in my yard. It is autumn, so I had to get the leaves that fell from the trees to the front yard so the town can come pick them up this week. Lots of work.
As things were winding down, and I transitioned to picking up sticks in the yard and putting them in a barrel to burn next spring (marshmallow roast!), a little neighborhood cat sauntered into the yard. I heard the rustle of the leaves and then saw this little furry tabby trotting over to see me. The cat comes periodically. I don't know where he lives, but he is very sweet. He stays a while and then leaves.
I sat on my deck and the cat came over to sit next to me, so that gave me an opportunity to take a little break. The sky was blue, it was later in the afternoon so the sun was that bright twinkly autumn type of sun - low in the sky and giving everything a golden glow. Even though the trees are almost bare there are still leaves that float to the ground.
In the late afternoon stillness, there came upon me a very gentle breeze and the air was still warm for November. As the leaves fell I could see and hear them hit other branches on the way down, and they floated as if they were choreographed to some celestial ballet. The cat watched too. We sat together in silence.
That scene reminded me of our souls. He is the vine and we are the branches and perhaps at the end of life, our souls are like the leaves that let go of the branches and float, in total abandon, into the arms of our Heavenly God by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I think the moment of death must be like that, if we die in the grace of God. If we don't die in the grace of God well, I don't want to think about that. I want to stay in the grace of God. I've always been afraid of dying, but not of death. Dying can be painful, but the moment of death must be glorious. Like the leaves, we die to ourselves and float into the great Wind - trusting, resting, joyfully letting go knowing that we have done what we were called to do.
Another image that popped into my mind while watching the leaves fall was that how God is bigger than all of this - bigger than nature, bigger than us, bigger than the universe. So that all that I was seeing was actually happening WITHIN God. All of this was part of God, within God, and done by the power of God. That made me feel a sense of contentment.
I love fall because it reminds me that we should ever fall more deeply in love with Jesus. Today. Tomorrow. And all our days.
As things were winding down, and I transitioned to picking up sticks in the yard and putting them in a barrel to burn next spring (marshmallow roast!), a little neighborhood cat sauntered into the yard. I heard the rustle of the leaves and then saw this little furry tabby trotting over to see me. The cat comes periodically. I don't know where he lives, but he is very sweet. He stays a while and then leaves.
I sat on my deck and the cat came over to sit next to me, so that gave me an opportunity to take a little break. The sky was blue, it was later in the afternoon so the sun was that bright twinkly autumn type of sun - low in the sky and giving everything a golden glow. Even though the trees are almost bare there are still leaves that float to the ground.
In the late afternoon stillness, there came upon me a very gentle breeze and the air was still warm for November. As the leaves fell I could see and hear them hit other branches on the way down, and they floated as if they were choreographed to some celestial ballet. The cat watched too. We sat together in silence.
That scene reminded me of our souls. He is the vine and we are the branches and perhaps at the end of life, our souls are like the leaves that let go of the branches and float, in total abandon, into the arms of our Heavenly God by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I think the moment of death must be like that, if we die in the grace of God. If we don't die in the grace of God well, I don't want to think about that. I want to stay in the grace of God. I've always been afraid of dying, but not of death. Dying can be painful, but the moment of death must be glorious. Like the leaves, we die to ourselves and float into the great Wind - trusting, resting, joyfully letting go knowing that we have done what we were called to do.
Another image that popped into my mind while watching the leaves fall was that how God is bigger than all of this - bigger than nature, bigger than us, bigger than the universe. So that all that I was seeing was actually happening WITHIN God. All of this was part of God, within God, and done by the power of God. That made me feel a sense of contentment.
I love fall because it reminds me that we should ever fall more deeply in love with Jesus. Today. Tomorrow. And all our days.
Nov 11, 2010
A girl's perogative
There is an old saying that states it is a girl's perogative to change her mind. I find that to be very true because I change my mind a lot. One minute I will think I have made a decision and then the next minute I change my mind. Sometimes that makes other people frustrated. Well all I've got to say is imagine being frustrated with yourself when you do that and not be able to run away from yourself! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because within a couple of minutes I can fully agree with both of the opinions that may be currently swimming around in my mind.
How do I deal with it? Two words: Prayer and Discernment. Whenever I truly can't decide what to do about something or what my solid opinion should be on something I always bring it to prayer. And then I wait. Sometimes I have to wait a long time. Eventually though, I come to an inteligent, calculated, common sense decision. And then I stick to it.
But it is that in between time when I think others might get frustrated with me. Again, imagine how it is to be me when that happens.
I'm so grateful that I can go to Jesus, and that I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide me during these times of confusion. I'm so grateful that my little Catholic church is open a lot so I can go in and plop myself in the third row in front of the Tabernacle and bring my thoughts to Jesus.
I better end this blog now before I change my mind and erase this and start writing on a completely different topic. You have no idea how many blogs I've written and erased due to changing my mind...
How do I deal with it? Two words: Prayer and Discernment. Whenever I truly can't decide what to do about something or what my solid opinion should be on something I always bring it to prayer. And then I wait. Sometimes I have to wait a long time. Eventually though, I come to an inteligent, calculated, common sense decision. And then I stick to it.
But it is that in between time when I think others might get frustrated with me. Again, imagine how it is to be me when that happens.
I'm so grateful that I can go to Jesus, and that I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide me during these times of confusion. I'm so grateful that my little Catholic church is open a lot so I can go in and plop myself in the third row in front of the Tabernacle and bring my thoughts to Jesus.
I better end this blog now before I change my mind and erase this and start writing on a completely different topic. You have no idea how many blogs I've written and erased due to changing my mind...
Nov 8, 2010
It is usually dark this time of night...
The last couple of nights I've been walking a little dog after dark, thanks to the time change. It is quite deserted this time of year in the area where we walk. Normally I don't get nervous of the dark, but the last few nights with no moon and no people, it has gotten a little creepy. Plus it has been windy and rainy so that just makes more sounds that sound "other worldly" in a rather scary way.
This little dog would try and protect me should a problem arise if she had to, but given the chance, I think she might also run away before I would!
So I say the prayer of St. Michael as we are walking. I have a big flashlight too. Tonight though it was dark, rainy, and cold...and I suppose I had a few moments of a tiny bit of fear. Luckily I don't watch horror movies or I think I really would have been freaked out a couple of times. I just assume that the sounds in the wooded areas are real animals and not a mass murderer. LOL! The other night we saw a fox and smelled a skunk. One night the water was calm as a black mirror, but tonight it was raging and knocking the portable docks around. It sounded violent.
Anyway, I bring this up because I know God is always watching over me and sending angels to protect me. And when I'm not nervous, it is a beautiful deserted place to have all to ourselves - just me and the dog. It is peaceful and solitary on most nights, and I can talk to the dog and God outloud and there is nobody to stare at me doing that.
This little dog would try and protect me should a problem arise if she had to, but given the chance, I think she might also run away before I would!
So I say the prayer of St. Michael as we are walking. I have a big flashlight too. Tonight though it was dark, rainy, and cold...and I suppose I had a few moments of a tiny bit of fear. Luckily I don't watch horror movies or I think I really would have been freaked out a couple of times. I just assume that the sounds in the wooded areas are real animals and not a mass murderer. LOL! The other night we saw a fox and smelled a skunk. One night the water was calm as a black mirror, but tonight it was raging and knocking the portable docks around. It sounded violent.
Anyway, I bring this up because I know God is always watching over me and sending angels to protect me. And when I'm not nervous, it is a beautiful deserted place to have all to ourselves - just me and the dog. It is peaceful and solitary on most nights, and I can talk to the dog and God outloud and there is nobody to stare at me doing that.
Nov 7, 2010
The Time Change
This weekend we had to turn our clocks back one hour. Doing that always freaks me out. It is a numbers thing. I get confused. Seriously.
I've made mistakes in the past with the time change. I either arrive too early or too late. Last night I was worried I wouldn't be on time for a couple of early AM appointments. I kept waking up. I was up when the clock went from 1:59 AM to 1:00 AM. Seeing that was a little Twilight Zoney.
I finally got up at 5:10, which was really 6:10 AM. I was on time. Phew! But now I am tired. It has also been a very busy day. I prayed a lot today though. This was one of those "high prayer" days in the midst of being busy.
I'm glad the time change doesn't happen again for several more months.
Tick Toc. Good night.
I've made mistakes in the past with the time change. I either arrive too early or too late. Last night I was worried I wouldn't be on time for a couple of early AM appointments. I kept waking up. I was up when the clock went from 1:59 AM to 1:00 AM. Seeing that was a little Twilight Zoney.
I finally got up at 5:10, which was really 6:10 AM. I was on time. Phew! But now I am tired. It has also been a very busy day. I prayed a lot today though. This was one of those "high prayer" days in the midst of being busy.
I'm glad the time change doesn't happen again for several more months.
Tick Toc. Good night.
Nov 5, 2010
T.G.I.F., etc...
Thank God it is Friday. I am truly fried on "Frieday". Get it?
What a week at work. I am so drained. I feel very tired and empty. It is after 9 PM and I am just now preparing dinner - spaghetti. There has been so much pain at work and lots of pressure to do more than is humanly possible. We are all drained - my co-workers and I.
I went to a talk tonight at my parish on Mother Theresa. I connected with a lot of what she said. Even though I've never been to Calcutta, I've been to the Phillipines and have seen the poorest of the poor. In my work, right here in the USA, I've sat with dying people, I've tried to bring hope and healing. I've tried to be a witness with my actions. I've fed people, changed the diapers of adults, etc... So, like this woman, I have experienced a lot, always trying to bring Jesus into it too. However, I am certainly not as holy as this lady was who spoke, but I have met a few very holy people. Like her, I would like to write a book some day. (Correction: I've written a book (or two). I just would like it to be published.)
But for now I ask Mother Theresa to please pray for us and to bless this woman who came to speak to us.
I'm hungry. Gotta go eat my spaghetti and get some sleep.
What a week at work. I am so drained. I feel very tired and empty. It is after 9 PM and I am just now preparing dinner - spaghetti. There has been so much pain at work and lots of pressure to do more than is humanly possible. We are all drained - my co-workers and I.
I went to a talk tonight at my parish on Mother Theresa. I connected with a lot of what she said. Even though I've never been to Calcutta, I've been to the Phillipines and have seen the poorest of the poor. In my work, right here in the USA, I've sat with dying people, I've tried to bring hope and healing. I've tried to be a witness with my actions. I've fed people, changed the diapers of adults, etc... So, like this woman, I have experienced a lot, always trying to bring Jesus into it too. However, I am certainly not as holy as this lady was who spoke, but I have met a few very holy people. Like her, I would like to write a book some day. (Correction: I've written a book (or two). I just would like it to be published.)
But for now I ask Mother Theresa to please pray for us and to bless this woman who came to speak to us.
I'm hungry. Gotta go eat my spaghetti and get some sleep.
Nov 3, 2010
Cold and Catholic
I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
...but I'm discovering I am apparently not as smart as most other Catholics who have time warped into 2010 from 1962. (They must be Star Trek fans.)
Recently I feel like my Catholic church
has become a foreign religion.
A simple step inside of it recently
has changed everything for me.
I feel like a certain group of special people get it
and I don't,
and the people who get it,
don't care that I don't get it,
and are tired of my questions about it.
Someone has been given the power
to rip away all that I have loved,
turn it upside down,
and tell me it is good, maybe even better,
in many ways, than what I know to be true.
But is it really good? This is my question.
I mean no disrespect, but I can't help how I am reacting to all of this.
It just grates against my spirit in a way that makes me feel faint.
I feel like
my faith home
has evaporated.
Like the book,
I have found myself
"LEFT BEHIND" and alone.
(not that I read it, but I know about it.)
Let me tell you of my woe.
I walked into my empty beloved church
and there was a casket in it.
No body was inside, at least I hope their wasn't.
Just a casket draped in black.
6 unlit candles around it.
Blackness on the altar table.
It seemed as if blackness was everywhere.
I felt like I was walking into a halloween movie.
Nobody prepared me for this.
Nobody informed me about this.
Was it supposed to be a joke or a surprise?
Nobody told me it was a show,
a presentation, a drama ~ more than a mass.
Nobody told me that the props
and music would be more important
than Jesus Christ himself.
But wait, the ad in the paper did.
The ad said the Mass featured music
and listed it too in detail.
Isn't a mass supposed to feature Jesus Christ,
and not music?
I thought Jesus was supposed to be the main attraction.
Was it a concert or a Mass?
Confusion reigned supreme
and a heavy weight crushed my soul
as I read those dreaded words.
Sudenly the Eucharist took second place
to hymns sung in a dead language.
Or so it seemed to me.
They will tell me I am wrong,
but did you ever read the "Emperor's New Clothes"?
(I rest my case)
The newspaper ad, the surprise casket,
all the props to distract us from the eucharist,
which would soon be hidden from the people anyway
tucked behind the vestments, shrouded in secrecy and exclusivity.
I wasn't prepared.
I couldn't take it any longer.
So anyway, I digress.
There I was just steps inside
what is supposed to be my beloved Catholic church.
I couldn't move any further.
I stood frozen in time.
I stared.
I thought.
The casket and all its blackness before me.
That was the end of that.
I looked passed the
assumed empty casket
towards the Tabernacle
which DID hold a body,
the living body,
of my sweet Jesus.
All I could say to Jesus was
"This is way too creepy for me.
I can't deal with this."
And I left.
I walked out.
I didn't even have it within me to cry.
It wasn't worth it.
Why try to swim with cement around your feet?
What ever happened to the church I knew?
Did someone throw me into a time machine
going back to 1962?
I think so.
Either that or it is a good dream gone bad.
Would someone please tell me why our beloved Pope is making us relive history - a part of history that was changed by Vatican II because it was no longer ministering to the people?
I've tried to embrace these backward changes.
I've asked questions until blue.
I've prayed, studied, read,
watched and waited for explanation.
I've tried so very hard, with no "Good job. Hang in there, you'll get it. It's worth the effort. Ask all the questions you want and we'll be patient with you because we want you to love this as much as we do." Nope, instead I heard in reply "it isn't for everyone" and "you don't have to come." Ahh...such encouraging and consoling words, aren't they? Makes me wonder why I didn't give up months ago.
I don't know what to do.
So for now I will go into the corner
and stay there for a while.
there in the corner I will pray.
I will ask for understanding,
and enlightenment,
and infused knowledge
because the only one that
seems to care how I feel
about these backward changes is Jesus.
I want to PRAISE Jesus
I want to shout Alleluia!
I want to sing songs in english,
songs with guitars, pianos,and drums,
and not an organ scraping its nails as if on a blackboard.
Whatever happened to the harp and lyre
that the Psalms talk about?
I want to hear the Mass prayed in English
with reverence, with music that speaks clearly of this celebration,
with people who care about each other, and with Jesus
in the Eucharist consecrated in front of my eyes.
I want to have a community.
I want smiles and joy.
I don't want to have to
sit way over to the side
and have to work hard
to peek around a priest
to see Jesus arrive on the altar.
I want to UNDERSTAND
what is going on.
I am so tired of trying.
I am so tired of trying to fit in.
I don't think I will try again for a long, long, time.
Why is everything a struggle right now?
Why is God allowing such
distress within my soul?
Why do I feel so alone
in a church full of people?
I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
At least this matters to Jesus.
Forget "cool and Catholic".
it feels like my church is becoming "cold and Catholic"..
Can someone turn up the thermostat please?
I end this blog tonight feeling very "stupid and Catholic".. and very unworthy,for truly all that I cannot understand must be due to my lack of inteligence. So I ask for your prayers.
....I will truly never be a saint at the rate I am going.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
...but I'm discovering I am apparently not as smart as most other Catholics who have time warped into 2010 from 1962. (They must be Star Trek fans.)
Recently I feel like my Catholic church
has become a foreign religion.
A simple step inside of it recently
has changed everything for me.
I feel like a certain group of special people get it
and I don't,
and the people who get it,
don't care that I don't get it,
and are tired of my questions about it.
Someone has been given the power
to rip away all that I have loved,
turn it upside down,
and tell me it is good, maybe even better,
in many ways, than what I know to be true.
But is it really good? This is my question.
I mean no disrespect, but I can't help how I am reacting to all of this.
It just grates against my spirit in a way that makes me feel faint.
I feel like
my faith home
has evaporated.
Like the book,
I have found myself
"LEFT BEHIND" and alone.
(not that I read it, but I know about it.)
Let me tell you of my woe.
I walked into my empty beloved church
and there was a casket in it.
No body was inside, at least I hope their wasn't.
Just a casket draped in black.
6 unlit candles around it.
Blackness on the altar table.
It seemed as if blackness was everywhere.
I felt like I was walking into a halloween movie.
Nobody prepared me for this.
Nobody informed me about this.
Was it supposed to be a joke or a surprise?
Nobody told me it was a show,
a presentation, a drama ~ more than a mass.
Nobody told me that the props
and music would be more important
than Jesus Christ himself.
But wait, the ad in the paper did.
The ad said the Mass featured music
and listed it too in detail.
Isn't a mass supposed to feature Jesus Christ,
and not music?
I thought Jesus was supposed to be the main attraction.
Was it a concert or a Mass?
Confusion reigned supreme
and a heavy weight crushed my soul
as I read those dreaded words.
Sudenly the Eucharist took second place
to hymns sung in a dead language.
Or so it seemed to me.
They will tell me I am wrong,
but did you ever read the "Emperor's New Clothes"?
(I rest my case)
The newspaper ad, the surprise casket,
all the props to distract us from the eucharist,
which would soon be hidden from the people anyway
tucked behind the vestments, shrouded in secrecy and exclusivity.
I wasn't prepared.
I couldn't take it any longer.
So anyway, I digress.
There I was just steps inside
what is supposed to be my beloved Catholic church.
I couldn't move any further.
I stood frozen in time.
I stared.
I thought.
The casket and all its blackness before me.
That was the end of that.
I looked passed the
assumed empty casket
towards the Tabernacle
which DID hold a body,
the living body,
of my sweet Jesus.
All I could say to Jesus was
"This is way too creepy for me.
I can't deal with this."
And I left.
I walked out.
I didn't even have it within me to cry.
It wasn't worth it.
Why try to swim with cement around your feet?
What ever happened to the church I knew?
Did someone throw me into a time machine
going back to 1962?
I think so.
Either that or it is a good dream gone bad.
Would someone please tell me why our beloved Pope is making us relive history - a part of history that was changed by Vatican II because it was no longer ministering to the people?
I've tried to embrace these backward changes.
I've asked questions until blue.
I've prayed, studied, read,
watched and waited for explanation.
I've tried so very hard, with no "Good job. Hang in there, you'll get it. It's worth the effort. Ask all the questions you want and we'll be patient with you because we want you to love this as much as we do." Nope, instead I heard in reply "it isn't for everyone" and "you don't have to come." Ahh...such encouraging and consoling words, aren't they? Makes me wonder why I didn't give up months ago.
I don't know what to do.
So for now I will go into the corner
and stay there for a while.
there in the corner I will pray.
I will ask for understanding,
and enlightenment,
and infused knowledge
because the only one that
seems to care how I feel
about these backward changes is Jesus.
I want to PRAISE Jesus
I want to shout Alleluia!
I want to sing songs in english,
songs with guitars, pianos,and drums,
and not an organ scraping its nails as if on a blackboard.
Whatever happened to the harp and lyre
that the Psalms talk about?
I want to hear the Mass prayed in English
with reverence, with music that speaks clearly of this celebration,
with people who care about each other, and with Jesus
in the Eucharist consecrated in front of my eyes.
I want to have a community.
I want smiles and joy.
I don't want to have to
sit way over to the side
and have to work hard
to peek around a priest
to see Jesus arrive on the altar.
I want to UNDERSTAND
what is going on.
I am so tired of trying.
I am so tired of trying to fit in.
I don't think I will try again for a long, long, time.
Why is everything a struggle right now?
Why is God allowing such
distress within my soul?
Why do I feel so alone
in a church full of people?
I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
At least this matters to Jesus.
Forget "cool and Catholic".
it feels like my church is becoming "cold and Catholic"..
Can someone turn up the thermostat please?
I end this blog tonight feeling very "stupid and Catholic".. and very unworthy,for truly all that I cannot understand must be due to my lack of inteligence. So I ask for your prayers.
....I will truly never be a saint at the rate I am going.
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