"....And what Heaven is Calling us to do....."

I just finished reading a book called "The Secrets, Chastisement, and Triumph of the two hearts of Jesus and Mary, And what Heaven is calling us to do" by Kelly Bowring, w/ the Imprimatur of Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal. A friend let me borrow it and I read it mainly because of the Imprimatur. I also read it to see if it would increase my faith and to discuss it with her.

The title basically states what it is about. It was interesting. I had some questions throughout my reading, but what I found most interesting was how often the different apparations and prophesies were in sync with one another.

Anyway, if it is truth, then we are certainly soon going to be in for a great adventure of faith.

I agreed with a lot of what it said because I think we are living some of it now: natural disasters, the breakdown of the family, a lack of faith and especially lack of belief in the Real Presence, the purification and challenges that have come upon the church, etc....

My prayer then, is for Jesus to help me keep my faith strong so I will not be deceived, and that I may be part of the "remnant" it talked about. I want to go to Heaven. I want to always be with Jesus. So I ask for the grace to make the right decisions in the days, months, and years to come, and may I somehow be a light, however small, to others who are also on this journey of faith.

Come, Lord Jesus....I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

On Being a Fool

One of my most profound, and initial, experiences of Jesus happened when I was almost 16 years old. That is when my faith took off. I had been brought up in the church since the age of 3. I was baptized as an infant but didn't go to church until 3 years old ( that's another story ).

As a teen I jumped full force into my Catholic faith and the Person of Jesus. I read everything I could. Talked to priests and sisters and adults I trusted about our faith. It was an exciting time. I was an enthusiastic new disciple of Jesus and lots of cool things happened back then.

As I grew in faith and people figured out that my faith was not just an adolescent phase, but took real hold of my life, I received lots of reactions. My grandmother told me that if I got too much into my faith I would go crazy so I better be careful to moderate things. My family thought I was a "Jesus freak" and put up with my enthusiasm or tried to ignore me. It depended on the day. My church at that time, embraced me whole heartedly. I was very involved. It was wonderful. I belonged and was accepted and wanted. (Those were the days!). I had so many wonderful experiences.

I was a teen who took the things that adults told me seriously. I held on to their every word - homilies, sharings, and in the books they told me to read. In time, I guess you could say that the student excelled the master. I grew up and continued to be deeply interested in my faith, even considering being a nun off and on. People pretty much expected that would happen to me, but it didn't. Whenever I went down a road towards some religious order I hit a dead end. The answer was no.

A friend told me a couple of months ago that I am the "most Catholic Catholic" that she has ever known. My faith means everything to me. I really don't care if people think I am a fool or not. I am not ashamed of my faith and I like to think that I don't impose it on anyone either. I am just me. The Catholic lingo is a part of my daily verbage. I wear a crucifix. I have a rosary hanging on a small bulletin board next to my desk, along with prayers and a picture of a monstrance.

Some think I am too Catholic, if that is possible. Personally, I don't think I am Catholic enough. I have questions and struggles about some Catholic things. Take the Latin Mass for instance. I have major trouble with understanding "all things Latin and backwards". I have tried so hard to get it and I just can't. I have asked for help with this but have gotten very little so I have let it go. At this time I declare that I am "neutral" when it comes to Latin things. I have no opinion anymore. I have issues w/ the church not being friendly enough or welcoming enough. I could be a much better Catholic and I am striving to be better, but I have my struggles.

But, if you take all of that out, yes, many would say I am a fool for Christ. I think my co-workers think I'm a little foolish for going to Mass so often and for going back to church at the end of the day for quiet prayer time. Some think I would have more "fun" if I weren't such a devout Catholic. In their minds there are a lot of things I won't do because I am a Catholic that they think are fun: drinking a lot, seeing movies and other entertainment that are not in sync with my faith, using certain words or gestures, etc..... As a result they think I am rather foolish because I'm missing out a lot of secular fun.

Everyone in my immediate family thinks I am a fool. They tend to think that it is okay to be Catholic as long as a person doesn't take it to heart. You know....it is okay to miss Mass and not go to confession for years and years. It is okay to be Catholic as long as it doesn't stop you from doing what you want to do, however inappropriate. Feel free to curse and do other sinful things and then go to Mass and go to Holy Communion without going to confession first. In short: if your faith affects the rest of your life too much, then you are weird and a fool.

So, call me a fool. A fool for Christ. I am a sinner like everyone else, but I love Jesus with my whole heart and I wake up each day and try very hard not to sin. Still, thanks to the human condition and the effects of original sin, I still fall into sin. It will be that way until I die. But I can try. In trying to do better, and to be better, I will mess up. But I can't give up.

I'm okay being a fool for Christ. He is the only One I'm trying to please anyway, so as long as He is happy with my efforts, then that is all that matters.

A lady in waiting ( so to speak ).....

I just don't know what God wants me to do. I used to know His will for my life. These last few years have been very stressful - overly stressful - to the point that I came "this close" to utter despair. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to rise each day and carry out my duties.

Then, on the Wednesday before Holy Week, God started to act. I went to a talk and a healing servcie with a friend. The talk was by this cool priest from Africa. Anyway, afterwards they had exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and annointing. I went up, knelt down, and the priest (not the one from Africa, the pastor of the parish) layed hands on my head and prayed for me. As he lifted his arm to place his hand on my head, I could see the monstrance, only feet away from me on the altar. From my heart, I begged Jesus to "please" do something. After a minute, with the priest's hand still on my head. I felt something lift from me. It was a physical feeling that went diagonal from my waist all the way up my body, through my head and out. It was very strange. I just knew the Holy Spirit was doing something.

I went back to my seat and for the first time in months and months, I felt peace. After that moment, things started to change for me. I started to move away from despair and towards hope. It was, and is, a slow process. Right now I am "neutral". I'm still waiting for the joy of Christ to come back in my life, but I am headed in the right direction. I think I am anyway.

So, in this neutral place I am waiting on the Lord. I am trying to be quiet ( and not always having the best luck with that ) and I am trying to be humble and patient. I am praying that I will know His will for my life again. I can't wait for the joy to come back. It has been so long.

I have been thinking........what would help? What do I need to do and what does the world / church have to do to assist me. Then I think, "Who am I that I should expect God, the world, or the church, to assist me.......a mere dot of bacteria on the back of a worm?" But still, I have hope of expectations. I would hope that God would move swiftly to let me know His will, but He is God and His mind is bigger than mine, so I have to wait. I would hope that the world would be gentle with me for I am a rather sensitive person, but I 99.9% know that something like that will not happen. I would hope that the church, most of all, would have mercy and hospitality towards me, but I'm not holding my breath for that one either.

If the Catholic church, which I love with my entire heart, would learn how to be more hospitable, welcoming, loving, and friendly, then sooooo many people would never leave it. It is easy to feel alone in the Catholic church.

Anyway, enough of that. I just want my joy back. I want a sense of community in the church. I want to know God's will. This is my hope. I probably deserve none of that, but still I wait and ask.

I am so very far from attaining sainthood that it just isn't funny..... but I am a lady in waiting......and perhaps if I do a good job waiting, then that will count for something.

I have a sign on my computer printer that reads: "I'm just trying to make my life count for something." That just about summarizes it. Have a blessed night.

Reflections on the Great Flood

Do you ever think that God gets tired of dealing with us? Do you think that perhaps that was why he made the great Flood and destroyed everyone but Noah, his family, and the animals? He promised He would never do it again.... but do you think He gets tired of us? Do you think He thinks we are a bunch of whiners who can never get "it" right?

No. His love is so great and so perfect, that I'm sure He must've wept when all the people perished in the Great Flood. I guess sometimes death has to be a consequence for sinful behavior.

There are different kinds of death you know...there is the physical death that everyone will face at one point. There is a spiritual death when someone is going through a spiritual desert. There is the kind of death one experiences when a relationship or a job ends. Gosh...even getting a haircut is a death of sorts. (It is for me anyway.) Death ends things. But there is always something new after a death. Even physical death isn't final.....it is just a passage into another part of eternity.

I have experienced so many kinds of death these last several years. It has been exhausting, but now I'm in that transition phase between death and the next chapter of my life. I am still in the waiting phase. It has stopped being painful. Now it is just sort of an awareness that I'm waiting and an acceptance too. I have been grossly humbled by humanity as well as God. There is nothing left for me to do except to wait and pray.

So, that is what I am doing: waiting and praying. It is not a passive waiting though. I am praying a lot. I am thinking a lot, and reflecting. I am reading a lot. I am trying to listen. I am trying to be mindful of how God might be moving around me. I am trying to trust, but it is hard because so much trust has been broken on so many levels.

I have learned some hard lessons these last several years. I have learned that not everyone is who they appear to be. I have learned that human love stinks and only God's love is truly Real. I have learned that as much as we are called to be a community, we are often left alone. I have learned that I can be very resourceful and that even though nobody really seems to want my small amount of gifts and talents, that they are still there waiting to be put to good use.

It is like the novel that starts..."It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." These last few years have been the worst of times for obvious reasons. But in the intensity of the "worseness" of these times, an equally intense purification is taking place. The purification might lead to the "best of times". It feels like perhaps a Purgatory on earth. It is like my soul is a lush garden and God has been weeding and some of the flowers have been pulled up along with the weeds and there are now bare spots. In time perhaps God will plant new things and even things that are more beautiful than what was there before. Maybe the plants will be hardier.

I have experienced my own personal Great Flood these last years. Many parts of me have been drowned. What is left floats and waits in the little ark that is my soul. Waiting for the dove to bring back an olive branch.

.....I'm watching for a rainbow to signify that the Great Flood is over and land has been found. Then I will step out of the ark and start my life anew.

Remains of My Sacred Little Third Pew

Wow. I haven't written for about a month.

Today I went to morning Mass and then later came back and spent a half hour in Adoration. I wanted to spend more time, but my schedule was calling me to move forward, so I did.

I have been praying for a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit on everyone, particularly my parish, my family, myself, and the whole world. This world is currently in so much turmoil that it is only the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us out of it.

In my last blog I talked about wanting to be better. I still want to be better. I want to be a better human being, a better Christian, a better everything. But I am weak. When we are weak Jesus is strong, so I guess in some mysterious way Jesus must be very strong in me right now. I can't tell how and maybe that is not important.

My daily goal is to get up and start my day with Jesus, and then to move through my day trying to be nice and encouraging to everyone, and to be quiet. Being quiet is hard because I like to talk, and to write, as you can see. I guess I mean that I am trying to be verbally quiet. My words that are written are quiet because nobody is required to read them or accept them. Verbally it is a different story because when someone speaks, automatic listening is going on and it is sort of like our verbal words automatically get into someone elses personal hearing space.

I am trying to take a huge step back in many areas of my life and allow God to do what He wants with me. He is still working on me and I am trying to trust. I don't know where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do in regards to "all things church" so I am doing nothing. I started sitting in different pews for Mass. You know how most people have their particular seat? Well I once did - this blog is named after it - the Third Pew..... but now since I'm not sure of my place in the Church - both local and global - I have given up my Third Pew and now am a "roaming Catholic" - moving from pew to pew. Lately I have settled on one of the very last pews. It is a different perspective for sure. That puts everyone in front of me. They can't see me until they turn around for the sign of peace. It is sort of like being in my own little bubble in the back pew. For Sunday Mass however, I sit much closer to the front, but not as close as the Third Pew. My sacred little Third Pew. I miss it.

I am also there in the back pew because I don't know where I belong and I don't feel worthy to be closer to the sanctuary. So, I am working on being better.

Jesus knows my heart. The Holy Spirit knows me through and through. I am trying to trust and listen. I am waiting to belong.....I want to be accepted.....I want to use my gifts for my parish.....

So, I am sitting in my pew - whichever one I choose to sit in on any given day - and I am waiting to belong, waiting to use my gifts, waiting to be wanted or needed. I guess I will have to wait. If nobody wants my gifts, then I guess God will make use of them elsewhere, or perhaps He doesn't want me to use my gifts right now either.

Jesus is still re-making me. I am still waiting to be filled, used, sent forth and to belong.