A lady in waiting ( so to speak ).....

I just don't know what God wants me to do. I used to know His will for my life. These last few years have been very stressful - overly stressful - to the point that I came "this close" to utter despair. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to rise each day and carry out my duties.

Then, on the Wednesday before Holy Week, God started to act. I went to a talk and a healing servcie with a friend. The talk was by this cool priest from Africa. Anyway, afterwards they had exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and annointing. I went up, knelt down, and the priest (not the one from Africa, the pastor of the parish) layed hands on my head and prayed for me. As he lifted his arm to place his hand on my head, I could see the monstrance, only feet away from me on the altar. From my heart, I begged Jesus to "please" do something. After a minute, with the priest's hand still on my head. I felt something lift from me. It was a physical feeling that went diagonal from my waist all the way up my body, through my head and out. It was very strange. I just knew the Holy Spirit was doing something.

I went back to my seat and for the first time in months and months, I felt peace. After that moment, things started to change for me. I started to move away from despair and towards hope. It was, and is, a slow process. Right now I am "neutral". I'm still waiting for the joy of Christ to come back in my life, but I am headed in the right direction. I think I am anyway.

So, in this neutral place I am waiting on the Lord. I am trying to be quiet ( and not always having the best luck with that ) and I am trying to be humble and patient. I am praying that I will know His will for my life again. I can't wait for the joy to come back. It has been so long.

I have been thinking........what would help? What do I need to do and what does the world / church have to do to assist me. Then I think, "Who am I that I should expect God, the world, or the church, to assist me.......a mere dot of bacteria on the back of a worm?" But still, I have hope of expectations. I would hope that God would move swiftly to let me know His will, but He is God and His mind is bigger than mine, so I have to wait. I would hope that the world would be gentle with me for I am a rather sensitive person, but I 99.9% know that something like that will not happen. I would hope that the church, most of all, would have mercy and hospitality towards me, but I'm not holding my breath for that one either.

If the Catholic church, which I love with my entire heart, would learn how to be more hospitable, welcoming, loving, and friendly, then sooooo many people would never leave it. It is easy to feel alone in the Catholic church.

Anyway, enough of that. I just want my joy back. I want a sense of community in the church. I want to know God's will. This is my hope. I probably deserve none of that, but still I wait and ask.

I am so very far from attaining sainthood that it just isn't funny..... but I am a lady in waiting......and perhaps if I do a good job waiting, then that will count for something.

I have a sign on my computer printer that reads: "I'm just trying to make my life count for something." That just about summarizes it. Have a blessed night.