Remains of My Sacred Little Third Pew

Wow. I haven't written for about a month.

Today I went to morning Mass and then later came back and spent a half hour in Adoration. I wanted to spend more time, but my schedule was calling me to move forward, so I did.

I have been praying for a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit on everyone, particularly my parish, my family, myself, and the whole world. This world is currently in so much turmoil that it is only the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us out of it.

In my last blog I talked about wanting to be better. I still want to be better. I want to be a better human being, a better Christian, a better everything. But I am weak. When we are weak Jesus is strong, so I guess in some mysterious way Jesus must be very strong in me right now. I can't tell how and maybe that is not important.

My daily goal is to get up and start my day with Jesus, and then to move through my day trying to be nice and encouraging to everyone, and to be quiet. Being quiet is hard because I like to talk, and to write, as you can see. I guess I mean that I am trying to be verbally quiet. My words that are written are quiet because nobody is required to read them or accept them. Verbally it is a different story because when someone speaks, automatic listening is going on and it is sort of like our verbal words automatically get into someone elses personal hearing space.

I am trying to take a huge step back in many areas of my life and allow God to do what He wants with me. He is still working on me and I am trying to trust. I don't know where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do in regards to "all things church" so I am doing nothing. I started sitting in different pews for Mass. You know how most people have their particular seat? Well I once did - this blog is named after it - the Third Pew..... but now since I'm not sure of my place in the Church - both local and global - I have given up my Third Pew and now am a "roaming Catholic" - moving from pew to pew. Lately I have settled on one of the very last pews. It is a different perspective for sure. That puts everyone in front of me. They can't see me until they turn around for the sign of peace. It is sort of like being in my own little bubble in the back pew. For Sunday Mass however, I sit much closer to the front, but not as close as the Third Pew. My sacred little Third Pew. I miss it.

I am also there in the back pew because I don't know where I belong and I don't feel worthy to be closer to the sanctuary. So, I am working on being better.

Jesus knows my heart. The Holy Spirit knows me through and through. I am trying to trust and listen. I am waiting to belong.....I want to be accepted.....I want to use my gifts for my parish.....

So, I am sitting in my pew - whichever one I choose to sit in on any given day - and I am waiting to belong, waiting to use my gifts, waiting to be wanted or needed. I guess I will have to wait. If nobody wants my gifts, then I guess God will make use of them elsewhere, or perhaps He doesn't want me to use my gifts right now either.

Jesus is still re-making me. I am still waiting to be filled, used, sent forth and to belong.