Tonight I am thinking about Trust and how hard it is to rebuild it after it has been broken. This topic also blends in with forgiveness. Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven. That is hard enough to do. Then you have to think about what happens after you forgive....
Does forgiveness mean you have to welcome back people into your life who have been toxic or dangerous to you, especially if they take no ownership or see no problems with their past behavior?
Does forgiveness mean that you have to forget? What if you can't forget? What if you want to forget but the memories keep coming back? What if you pray so hard to forgive like Jesus did and desire to forget the wrongs that have been done to you, but you cannot?
I think forgiveness is a great thing. I believe I practice forgiveness. But I don't believe when you forgive someone you have to let them back into your life because you think they will come right back in and hurt you some more. I think that would be stupid and foolish.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" - I'd like to be forgiven that way. I try to fully forgive, but it is so difficult to forget sometimes. I can "overlook" but I can't "forget". Maybe that is just about as good as I'm gonna get with this during my life time and I might have to figure out the rest in Purgatory.
The "good thief" who hung next to Jesus on the cross was forgiven because he recognized his sinfulness, and repented. There are many people in this world who just think they should be forgiven without repenting first. How can forgiveness be complete without repentence?
Ok. Maybe I'm getting myself confused here....there are two parties to forgiveness in human relationships: the one being forgiven and the one doing the forgiving. The one being forgiven doesn't HAVE to be repentent because the other person is choosing to forgive. But I don't think the relationship can be healed without the person who is being forgiven also being repentent. Otherwise they will just keep on doing the same hurtful things and eventually people will just walk away from them again and again. They have to realize the error of their ways before the other person might try to let them back in his/her life.
I hope this makes sense. Sometimes I think deep thoughts, but when I try to express what is perfectly clear in my mind, it comes out jumbled.
I think that if someone continually hurts someone, ruins trust, and then repeatedly expects to be forgiven time and time again, that the person who is the one getting hurt ought to get up, walk out, and never come back because the person doing the hurting is abusive and is showing no insight or desire to change.
Jesus doesn't want us to be doormats. He wants us to be respectful to one another. People will sin. People will mess up. Sometimes trust can be healed, but sometimes the hurt is so bad that trust may not be possible. A person may want to trust again, but something deep within them has been so broken that it cannot be fixed and so trust will be broken forever. Now, I know Jesus can even heal that and when that happens it is truly a miracle.
So, I am thinking about these things tonight.
I should also say that the 3rd person involved in a mess between people is Jesus. He is the one who gives power and grace to forgive us and for us to forgive others. I don't think Jesus would tell someone to stay in the way of someone who is continually hurting him/her. What is worse is when someone apologizes then goes and does a hurtful thing again, or when they promise to do something, or stop a behavior, and then they don't.
The world is full of people who don't want to forgive, who don't see the need to forgive, who think they are forgiving but really aren't, and those who truly try to forgive and sometimes are successful and sometimes they are not. Then there are the saints who can truly forgive AND forget.....they are very special.
Me? I forgive a lot. I don't forget most of the time. It just won't go away. But I can act like I've forgotten and move on to a certain degree with the person who has hurt me. If the hurt is severe enough, then I don't. I walk away. I pray for them. I hold no hard feelings for them, but nope...they won't be allowed back in my life. If they were to repent, apologize, recognize the error of their ways, keep their promises and go back and clean up the mess they made in the relationship as much as possible then yes, then I might take the person back. But they must prove that I can trust them again. I know that is probably not the most Catholic way of thinking, but it is really hard. I want to forgive seventy times seven, I really do, and I do the best I can and I forgive the most that I can. I pray to do better.
Lately I am praying: Jesus please teach me to forgive as you forgive. If he answers my prayer I will be much better at forgiveness.
Trust and forgiveness go together. When one or the other is broken, the other is damaged.
Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins. Save us from the fires of Hell, especially those in most need of thy mercy. Amen.
Sep 27, 2010
Sep 26, 2010
Hermitage hopes
There are some days I wish I could be a hermit, away from everyone but God. There are days I want to hide myself in His care and ignore the rest of the world. There are days when the world I encounter is just too much for me to handle and I want to run into the shadow of His wings and escape life's hassles.
I don't know if you will agree with me or not, but the world has gotten a lot meaner these last few years. Everyone seems stressed and short tempered with one another. I am no exception. I have had my moments these last few months when I've been short tempered too, and I deeply regret those moments.
Sometimes I think the world would be better with me hidden away in a hermitage. What would I do there...in a hermitage? Well, I would have plenty of silence. I would listen to the breeze and look at the stars. I would pray a lot. I would read. I would write. I would create. I would think and plan. I would reflect on my life and my sins and I would try to come up with ways not to bother anyone should I leave the hermitage and rejoin the rest of the people in the world.
I saw some neat hermitages once. It was somewhere on Cape Cod, MA. They were tall square buildings - built on stilts. They were simple and in the middle of the sand dunes. Every once in a while someone would come by and leave food, take mail, etc... but other than that, the person in the hermitage was alone.
Yep....right now I have hopes for hermitage living....at least for a while. I wish I had the money to take the time off to do this.
I don't know if you will agree with me or not, but the world has gotten a lot meaner these last few years. Everyone seems stressed and short tempered with one another. I am no exception. I have had my moments these last few months when I've been short tempered too, and I deeply regret those moments.
Sometimes I think the world would be better with me hidden away in a hermitage. What would I do there...in a hermitage? Well, I would have plenty of silence. I would listen to the breeze and look at the stars. I would pray a lot. I would read. I would write. I would create. I would think and plan. I would reflect on my life and my sins and I would try to come up with ways not to bother anyone should I leave the hermitage and rejoin the rest of the people in the world.
I saw some neat hermitages once. It was somewhere on Cape Cod, MA. They were tall square buildings - built on stilts. They were simple and in the middle of the sand dunes. Every once in a while someone would come by and leave food, take mail, etc... but other than that, the person in the hermitage was alone.
Yep....right now I have hopes for hermitage living....at least for a while. I wish I had the money to take the time off to do this.
Sep 22, 2010
Busy like a bee
It has been a little while since I have written. I've been very busy with work and other commitments, and to my fixer upper of a house....lots of manual labor in regards to that.
Summer is officially over and I have a time crunch in finishing some of the things I want to do outside before the weather gets too cold. I am sort of looking forward to the cooler weather. My schedule should slow down a little after Thanksgiving and I can focus on some inside projects. Wasn't it Piaget who said "I have other pies in the oven?". Well, I not only have pies in the oven. I also have popovers, cakes, and pizza.
Besides working in my house this winter, I want to write and submit my writings to magazines. I want to do more artwork. I want to read. I want to spend more time in prayer. I want to plan for my future. I want to walk and lose some poundage. I have already made reservations for a retreat weekend for myself. I also want to rest this winter because I've been super busy this year and need some down time. I also would like to connect with new friends.
All these plans are nice, but I've learned that life can take me down different paths and I must entrust my future path to the one and only Jesus Christ. I must surrender my will to His and to trust that His ways are better than mine. So maybe my winter plans will unfold as I have planned, or maybe they will turn out to be entirely different according to God's plan for me.
As the saying goes: I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.
Have a good night.
Summer is officially over and I have a time crunch in finishing some of the things I want to do outside before the weather gets too cold. I am sort of looking forward to the cooler weather. My schedule should slow down a little after Thanksgiving and I can focus on some inside projects. Wasn't it Piaget who said "I have other pies in the oven?". Well, I not only have pies in the oven. I also have popovers, cakes, and pizza.
Besides working in my house this winter, I want to write and submit my writings to magazines. I want to do more artwork. I want to read. I want to spend more time in prayer. I want to plan for my future. I want to walk and lose some poundage. I have already made reservations for a retreat weekend for myself. I also want to rest this winter because I've been super busy this year and need some down time. I also would like to connect with new friends.
All these plans are nice, but I've learned that life can take me down different paths and I must entrust my future path to the one and only Jesus Christ. I must surrender my will to His and to trust that His ways are better than mine. So maybe my winter plans will unfold as I have planned, or maybe they will turn out to be entirely different according to God's plan for me.
As the saying goes: I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.
Have a good night.
Sep 11, 2010
JP2 I love you!
I just finished watching Part one of "Karol, the man who would be Pope" on EWTN. I can't wait for part 2 !
I've been blessed to have seen Pope John Paul II three times in my life. That is the closest I've ever been to a real live saint !
The first time I saw him was in 1987 while on a church pilgrimage. It was in Vatican City. We were at his Wednesday afternoon audience. It was hot. There were tons of people there. I was antsy. I was at a different place spiritually back then and I was very glad to be there, but I also had a time limit and I wanted to get to my life long dream to see the Sistene Chapel before I did anything else. I stayed for most of the audience. It was really really hot. I took some really neat pictures. I left, I think, about 15 minutes before it ended to go to the Sistene Chapel. I gave my items to be blessed to my parish priest and took off with a few friends to the Sistene.
The second time was in 1994. Again in Vatican City. Again, the Wednesday audience. We were the first group to see him after his hip surgery. That is what I remember anyway. But my mood was different then. I was further along in my faith journey and this time I was very eager to see him. He came to the window instead of out in the plaza as he had last time. As the time approached for him to arrive in the window there was such a wonderful atmosphere among all the people. It was like....electric! It was like the biggest rock group was going to walk out on stage any minute and people were so excited. Their excitement caught me and I remember feeling goosebumps and great anticipation. I knew a lot more of who he was at this visit. I had just completed my M.A. and graduated days before this trip. Then, he came to the window and he looked so small compared to the huge window, but I defintely knew that someone very holy was before me. The crowd went wild. It was very cool!
The third time was in Manila, Phillipines for the World Youth day in 1995. That was a very hard trip for me on so many levels. Long story short, I was the leader for 14 or 15 young people. The pastor of the parish told me I had to take them to Manila. I really didn't want to, but I did out of obedience ( it was my job ), but it was a hard trip. Despite the 7.5 million people that arrived - the largest gathering in Christian history, I somehow ended up about 3' from the Pope Mobile and JP2 for about 10 seconds. The pope mobile drove right by me. You have to understand that there were millions of people there. I was hot and sweaty and had hardly slept for days. It was dark and he was on the way to the vigil in the park. I thought for sure I'd have some profound thought when he would go by, but nope. Know what I thought? I thought, boy his vestments aren't wrinkled! That was it. That was my profound thought. He was waving at everyone. Eleven days of crowds beyond belief, bugs the size of my hand, garbage everywhere, smells everywhere, hardly any sleep, a group of very spoiled teenagers under my care, and near starvation, and God granted me a few seconds being very close to the pope. I am still recuperating from that trip. It was my purgatory on earth. But that is for another blog entry...
Tonight I just want to say that I love John Paul II and I miss him very much. I talk to him when I pray sometimes. I ask him to intercede for me. It is wierd because even though he died a few years ago, I can still easily cry when I think of how wonderful he was and how much I miss him.
He was certainly John Paul II the Great. In my book he is already a saint.
I've been blessed to have seen Pope John Paul II three times in my life. That is the closest I've ever been to a real live saint !
The first time I saw him was in 1987 while on a church pilgrimage. It was in Vatican City. We were at his Wednesday afternoon audience. It was hot. There were tons of people there. I was antsy. I was at a different place spiritually back then and I was very glad to be there, but I also had a time limit and I wanted to get to my life long dream to see the Sistene Chapel before I did anything else. I stayed for most of the audience. It was really really hot. I took some really neat pictures. I left, I think, about 15 minutes before it ended to go to the Sistene Chapel. I gave my items to be blessed to my parish priest and took off with a few friends to the Sistene.
The second time was in 1994. Again in Vatican City. Again, the Wednesday audience. We were the first group to see him after his hip surgery. That is what I remember anyway. But my mood was different then. I was further along in my faith journey and this time I was very eager to see him. He came to the window instead of out in the plaza as he had last time. As the time approached for him to arrive in the window there was such a wonderful atmosphere among all the people. It was like....electric! It was like the biggest rock group was going to walk out on stage any minute and people were so excited. Their excitement caught me and I remember feeling goosebumps and great anticipation. I knew a lot more of who he was at this visit. I had just completed my M.A. and graduated days before this trip. Then, he came to the window and he looked so small compared to the huge window, but I defintely knew that someone very holy was before me. The crowd went wild. It was very cool!
The third time was in Manila, Phillipines for the World Youth day in 1995. That was a very hard trip for me on so many levels. Long story short, I was the leader for 14 or 15 young people. The pastor of the parish told me I had to take them to Manila. I really didn't want to, but I did out of obedience ( it was my job ), but it was a hard trip. Despite the 7.5 million people that arrived - the largest gathering in Christian history, I somehow ended up about 3' from the Pope Mobile and JP2 for about 10 seconds. The pope mobile drove right by me. You have to understand that there were millions of people there. I was hot and sweaty and had hardly slept for days. It was dark and he was on the way to the vigil in the park. I thought for sure I'd have some profound thought when he would go by, but nope. Know what I thought? I thought, boy his vestments aren't wrinkled! That was it. That was my profound thought. He was waving at everyone. Eleven days of crowds beyond belief, bugs the size of my hand, garbage everywhere, smells everywhere, hardly any sleep, a group of very spoiled teenagers under my care, and near starvation, and God granted me a few seconds being very close to the pope. I am still recuperating from that trip. It was my purgatory on earth. But that is for another blog entry...
Tonight I just want to say that I love John Paul II and I miss him very much. I talk to him when I pray sometimes. I ask him to intercede for me. It is wierd because even though he died a few years ago, I can still easily cry when I think of how wonderful he was and how much I miss him.
He was certainly John Paul II the Great. In my book he is already a saint.
Sep 8, 2010
You never know......
Once again I am reminded that I never know what is going to be part of my day when I get up in the morning. I may think it is going to be an ordinary day and my plans are written in my calendar, but then things can change.
Today, when I got up, I never would have thought that by the end of the day I would end up attending a funeral at 4 PM for someone I didn't know, and that I would have to call 911 for a situation on my way home from the funeral.
All the more reason to say my morning prayers right away - before I get too far away from my bed after the alarm goes off if you know what I mean.
This is all I want to say tonight.
Today, when I got up, I never would have thought that by the end of the day I would end up attending a funeral at 4 PM for someone I didn't know, and that I would have to call 911 for a situation on my way home from the funeral.
All the more reason to say my morning prayers right away - before I get too far away from my bed after the alarm goes off if you know what I mean.
This is all I want to say tonight.
Sep 7, 2010
God's furry and feathery creatures
Tonight I just want to say how much I love my furry friends. Tonight I was walking a little scottie dog - she is one of my furry friends. She is always happy to see me. She always greets me warmly. She is grateful for the love I give to her. She doesn't judge. She is always forgiving. She enjoys God's world. She is a rather meditative dog at times and she will just sit and I can just tell that she is enjoying the breeze by the expression on her face.
Yep, I love God's little creatures. Sometimes I miss my Puffy the cockatiel so much, and the other feathery birds who once graced my life. I would love to see them fly. They were like little comical angels and they were so loving. Some people don't think birds are very affectionate but they are. All my birds - parakeets and cockatiel alike, were very compassionate, affectionate little creatures. When I was sick, Puffy would come and sit on top of my head as I reclined on the couch feeling lousy. She would open her wings to keep me warm.
I could go on and on. If you are a pet lover then you will understand what I am saying. If not, you don't know what you are missing. They are little puffballs of unconditional love - little gifts from our Almighty God for our enjoyment and comfort.
Yep, I love God's little creatures. Sometimes I miss my Puffy the cockatiel so much, and the other feathery birds who once graced my life. I would love to see them fly. They were like little comical angels and they were so loving. Some people don't think birds are very affectionate but they are. All my birds - parakeets and cockatiel alike, were very compassionate, affectionate little creatures. When I was sick, Puffy would come and sit on top of my head as I reclined on the couch feeling lousy. She would open her wings to keep me warm.
I could go on and on. If you are a pet lover then you will understand what I am saying. If not, you don't know what you are missing. They are little puffballs of unconditional love - little gifts from our Almighty God for our enjoyment and comfort.
Sep 5, 2010
Jesus Christ
J - Jesus is the sweetest name in the universe.
E - Eternal Savior, Love of our lives.
S - Sits at the right hand of the Father.
U - Understands that we are sinners and loves us anyway.
S - Son of God.
C - Cures all of our physical, emotional, and spiritual problems.
H - Holiness personified.
R - Radiant and faithful Friend to all.
I - Inteligence far beyond our own.
S - Song of our hearts.
T - Truth above all truths.
E - Eternal Savior, Love of our lives.
S - Sits at the right hand of the Father.
U - Understands that we are sinners and loves us anyway.
S - Son of God.
C - Cures all of our physical, emotional, and spiritual problems.
H - Holiness personified.
R - Radiant and faithful Friend to all.
I - Inteligence far beyond our own.
S - Song of our hearts.
T - Truth above all truths.
Sep 4, 2010
Latin Mass # 15
I survived Latin Mass # 15 today. I didn't cry until AFTER it was over so that is an improvement.
LORD JESUS, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I so much want to love and embrace this style of Mass. Why can't I get it? Please remove all obstacles so I can see what so many other people see in this style of Mass.
LORD JESUS, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I so much want to love and embrace this style of Mass. Why can't I get it? Please remove all obstacles so I can see what so many other people see in this style of Mass.
Sep 3, 2010
Expectations
Today we were supposed to get a hurricane/tropical storm. Everyone expected it ~ the weatherman, the schools, businesses, home owners, etc... People got prepared. They bought bread and milk and water and batteries. All that preparation and in the end, nothing happened but little rain spurts and a slight breeze, if that.
This brings me to think about EXPECTATIONS and how often they are not met.
We all have expectations. I'm thinking about the expectations we have of God. We expect one thing will happen when we pray, and God often thinks another thing. We don't get what we pray for, what we are expecting, and we are disappointed. It isn't that Jesus didn't hear our prayer, but it is that He fulfills our expectations differently sometimes.
I was all set for a tropical storm today. I moved the things from the yard that could fly away in the wind and locked them up. I bought my groceries a day early in case we lost power. I looked to the sky and trees for stormy signs.
The storm never came. So I'm trying to connect that with how sometimes I don't get what I expect from God. I'm not saying that to insult God, but my own MISUNDERSTANDING of how God works. God is God. I'm not. I know His mind is so much bigger than mine and I will never think like He does. God has a reason when He doesn't give us what we expect. I suppose we will understand those reasons when we pass from this world.
Other times, God answers our prayers BEYOND our expectations. This has happened to me many times. I LOVE IT when that happens. Sometimes when God answers my prayers like that it gives me hope and makes me know that God listens to my prayers .... even the small, quiet, private prayers that are sometimes so deep within my soul that they do not even have words. He hears those prayers too.
I think it is fair to say that we should always expect SOMETHING from God, even though it may not be what we are asking for or expecting. We have to be open to the possibilities....
Anyway, this is what I'm thinking tonight. May God have mercy on my incredibly unworthy soul.
This brings me to think about EXPECTATIONS and how often they are not met.
We all have expectations. I'm thinking about the expectations we have of God. We expect one thing will happen when we pray, and God often thinks another thing. We don't get what we pray for, what we are expecting, and we are disappointed. It isn't that Jesus didn't hear our prayer, but it is that He fulfills our expectations differently sometimes.
I was all set for a tropical storm today. I moved the things from the yard that could fly away in the wind and locked them up. I bought my groceries a day early in case we lost power. I looked to the sky and trees for stormy signs.
The storm never came. So I'm trying to connect that with how sometimes I don't get what I expect from God. I'm not saying that to insult God, but my own MISUNDERSTANDING of how God works. God is God. I'm not. I know His mind is so much bigger than mine and I will never think like He does. God has a reason when He doesn't give us what we expect. I suppose we will understand those reasons when we pass from this world.
Other times, God answers our prayers BEYOND our expectations. This has happened to me many times. I LOVE IT when that happens. Sometimes when God answers my prayers like that it gives me hope and makes me know that God listens to my prayers .... even the small, quiet, private prayers that are sometimes so deep within my soul that they do not even have words. He hears those prayers too.
I think it is fair to say that we should always expect SOMETHING from God, even though it may not be what we are asking for or expecting. We have to be open to the possibilities....
Anyway, this is what I'm thinking tonight. May God have mercy on my incredibly unworthy soul.
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