Cold and Catholic

I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
...but I'm discovering I am apparently not as smart as most other Catholics who have time warped into 2010 from 1962. (They must be Star Trek fans.)

Recently I feel like my Catholic church
has become a foreign religion.
A simple step inside of it recently
has changed everything for me.

I feel like a certain group of special people get it
and I don't,
and the people who get it,
don't care that I don't get it,
and are tired of my questions about it.

Someone has been given the power
to rip away all that I have loved,
turn it upside down,
and tell me it is good, maybe even better,
in many ways, than what I know to be true.
But is it really good? This is my question.

I mean no disrespect, but I can't help how I am reacting to all of this.
It just grates against my spirit in a way that makes me feel faint.

I feel like
my faith home
has evaporated.
Like the book,
I have found myself
"LEFT BEHIND" and alone.
(not that I read it, but I know about it.)

Let me tell you of my woe.

I walked into my empty beloved church
and there was a casket in it.
No body was inside, at least I hope their wasn't.
Just a casket draped in black.
6 unlit candles around it.
Blackness on the altar table.
It seemed as if blackness was everywhere.
I felt like I was walking into a halloween movie.

Nobody prepared me for this.
Nobody informed me about this.
Was it supposed to be a joke or a surprise?
Nobody told me it was a show,
a presentation, a drama ~ more than a mass.
Nobody told me that the props
and music would be more important
than Jesus Christ himself.

But wait, the ad in the paper did.
The ad said the Mass featured music
and listed it too in detail.
Isn't a mass supposed to feature Jesus Christ,
and not music?
I thought Jesus was supposed to be the main attraction.
Was it a concert or a Mass?
Confusion reigned supreme
and a heavy weight crushed my soul
as I read those dreaded words.

Sudenly the Eucharist took second place
to hymns sung in a dead language.
Or so it seemed to me.
They will tell me I am wrong,
but did you ever read the "Emperor's New Clothes"?
(I rest my case)

The newspaper ad, the surprise casket,
all the props to distract us from the eucharist,
which would soon be hidden from the people anyway
tucked behind the vestments, shrouded in secrecy and exclusivity.

I wasn't prepared.
I couldn't take it any longer.

So anyway, I digress.
There I was just steps inside
what is supposed to be my beloved Catholic church.

I couldn't move any further.
I stood frozen in time.
I stared.
I thought.
The casket and all its blackness before me.
That was the end of that.

I looked passed the
assumed empty casket
towards the Tabernacle
which DID hold a body,
the living body,
of my sweet Jesus.

All I could say to Jesus was
"This is way too creepy for me.
I can't deal with this."
And I left.
I walked out.
I didn't even have it within me to cry.
It wasn't worth it.
Why try to swim with cement around your feet?

What ever happened to the church I knew?
Did someone throw me into a time machine
going back to 1962?
I think so.
Either that or it is a good dream gone bad.

Would someone please tell me why our beloved Pope is making us relive history - a part of history that was changed by Vatican II because it was no longer ministering to the people?

I've tried to embrace these backward changes.
I've asked questions until blue.
I've prayed, studied, read,
watched and waited for explanation.

I've tried so very hard, with no "Good job. Hang in there, you'll get it. It's worth the effort. Ask all the questions you want and we'll be patient with you because we want you to love this as much as we do." Nope, instead I heard in reply "it isn't for everyone" and "you don't have to come." Ahh...such encouraging and consoling words, aren't they? Makes me wonder why I didn't give up months ago.

I don't know what to do.
So for now I will go into the corner
and stay there for a while.
there in the corner I will pray.
I will ask for understanding,
and enlightenment,
and infused knowledge
because the only one that
seems to care how I feel
about these backward changes is Jesus.

I want to PRAISE Jesus
I want to shout Alleluia!
I want to sing songs in english,
songs with guitars, pianos,and drums,
and not an organ scraping its nails as if on a blackboard.
Whatever happened to the harp and lyre
that the Psalms talk about?
I want to hear the Mass prayed in English
with reverence, with music that speaks clearly of this celebration,
with people who care about each other, and with Jesus
in the Eucharist consecrated in front of my eyes.

I want to have a community.
I want smiles and joy.
I don't want to have to
sit way over to the side
and have to work hard
to peek around a priest
to see Jesus arrive on the altar.

I want to UNDERSTAND
what is going on.
I am so tired of trying.
I am so tired of trying to fit in.
I don't think I will try again for a long, long, time.

Why is everything a struggle right now?
Why is God allowing such
distress within my soul?
Why do I feel so alone
in a church full of people?

I'm Catholic.
Fully Catholic.
Baptized. First Communioned. Confirmed.
Very Catechized.
Very dedicated.
At least this matters to Jesus.

Forget "cool and Catholic".
it feels like my church is becoming "cold and Catholic"..
Can someone turn up the thermostat please?

I end this blog tonight feeling very "stupid and Catholic".. and very unworthy,for truly all that I cannot understand must be due to my lack of inteligence. So I ask for your prayers.

....I will truly never be a saint at the rate I am going.