Late night thoughts

I am just one person on the planet. I have a brain that I try and use frequently. I try to make the right decisions. I try to live according to God's will for my life and try to discern things prayerfully. I try and seek out answers to my questions from knowledgeable people. I try to be nice to everyone.

In all the above areas I fall short. No matter how hard I try it just isn't enough. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. Other people frustrate me too sometimes. I went to confession on Friday. That did help,but still I have questions.

Sometimes I wonder, if someone truly wants to do God's will and is sincere in all their actions, thoughts, and prayers....then why doesn't the Holy Spirit act powerfully in his/her life? What more is the person supposed to do in order to truly live God's will ?

The psalms state that (paraphrase) my soul longs for thee like a deer longs for running water.....that is what my soul is like. Longing for more of Jesus. I pray. I try to trust. I do all that I mentioned above, yet I am reminded that God's ways are not mine and His mind is much bigger than mine. He, and only He, knows the reasons for the things I'm going through right now. He, and only He, knows why he is not choosing to use me at this moment. I am like a fallow field baking in the hot sun. I am like a parched desert, cracked and arid.

I will continue to wait and pray. I will continue to try and do what I feel is right. I will continue to beg Jesus to make Himself known to me, and to all the world. I truly want to "have life and have it abundantly" as Jesus has promised. But I don't know what I am missing in order to have that life. (I know that doesn't mean material things...).

Oh well, what can I say ? I will go to bed, wake up tomorrow and try my best. I pray that the world will someday accept me for who I am. That is a strange comment, isn't it? I typed it and then decided it was strange. Who am I? I used to know. Now, in this transition phase, I am unsure. I'm not going to worry about it now. It is late and I have to go to bed because I am exhausted.