On wanting to become holy

I really want to be holy. I think I am on the right path, but after all my many years as a Christian, a Catholic one in particular, I still find that I am on the beginning of the path. THE WAY, as it used to be called.

Many days it seems that I take two steps forward and one step back. Other days it is like I am standing still. Even other days it is like I am sinking in quick sand. Some days, when things are going well, it is like I have wings and am flying.

I love those good days...the days when prayer is easy, the days when I feel so very close to my beloved Jesus. The days when all He has to do is whisper my name and He has my full attention. Other days He is probably calling me and I don't even hear His voice. Such is the human condition.

How did the saints do it? How did they shut out all of the distraction of the world and continue along the way God set before them? In my mind I am thinking that perhaps the difference was their prayer time - maybe it was the amount or the quality of their prayer time that mattered. Maybe they gave more of their time and attention to Jesus than other things. I don't know....but this is what I am wondering about tonight.

I will be sorely disappointed if, when I get to the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Sorry, but Jesus doesn't know who you are." Disappointment isn't the right word - terrorized would be more like it. I do think though that Jesus knows how hard I try and he gives me an "A" for effort on most days. I am counting on His mercy and grace to get me to Heaven because I know I can't do it on my own accord.

But still, holiness seems so easy for some people to attain. Look at the holy priests we have in the world, and Pope John Paul II especially. He had a hard and busy life, but he was a deep thinker and maybe that was a good thing. I have a feeling that his interior life must have been incredibly rich. Other people know right away at a young age that they have a vocation to the priesthood or religious life. Other "good Catholics" like myself seem to go back and forth and never seem to get anywhere.

I went on several "Come and see" weekends in my life and the answer always seemed to come out to "no". Even after the "no" though, I still wonder who God wants me to become. Am I misreading what he is calling me to do? Am I unknowingly putting up an incredible amount of obstacles between me and Jesus?

I remember many many times in my life when I was "in" God's will and I 100% knew it. Those were grand times. The Holy Spirit was so tangible and all I had to do was show up and things went smoothly. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, everything is a chore now. If I feel the Holy Spirit wants me to go "right" and I go, it turns out to be the wrong direction...if "Left" then it too is the wrong direction. So right now I am sort of standing still. I am invoking St. Michael and my guardian angel Matthew to get me through this time of assault and purification.

Needless to say, I am sharing way too much in this post. TMI for you, I know. But hey, I don't even know who YOU are, or even IF you are. Still, I write because it is what needs to be done right now, I guess.

Did you hear that Brother Andre from Montreal is going to be a saint? I think that is cool. I went to St. Joseph's oratory once in Montreal. I think it was 1989 and boy, I had a very special experience up there. Those were the days.

Brother Andre, please pray for me - a grain of sand, trod upon by ugly feet, wishing to become someone Jesus can use. If Mother Teresa longed to be a pencil in God's hand, and became a mighty pen, I can't even long or hope to be a pencil. She is so holy and so wonderful and so selfless. Perhaps I can just be a speck of sand that will cling to someone who will be a pencil in God's hand, and in doing so I might catch a glimpse of the work of God by standing next to a great saint of tomorrow. That would actually be good enough for me - if I could help someone else become a saint - to help mold or encourage someone. I LIKE THAT IDEA. If I can't become a saint I can help someone else become a saint. Hmmmm....I'll have to ponder that some more.

But right now it is time for night prayers and to try and sleep. I've had so much insomnia lately....