Being a "truly single Catholic" in the Church today

Before I make my comments on the subject of my blog tonight I want to clarify what the words "truly single Catholic" mean. I feel I must offer my definition because many people I've talked to have different definitions. Being a truly single Catholic, as defined by me, means that an individual has lived according to the teachings of the Catholic church throughout his/her life and have never been married or lived with someone in co-habitation (a.k.a. shacking up).

Many Catholics today think "single" means you can be divorced or widowed because you are "single again". I am of the belief that a person cannot go back and be truly single once they have been married. Why? Because remaining single and Catholic is very different from being divorced or widowed and Catholic because of the history of what a person has experienced. Both divorced and widowed people experienced marriage in its various aspects, single people have not. So while single people are living out their lives as Catholics, their perspectives on the world and relationships are very different because they have not experienced the variety of things that divorced or married people have.

I must also add that being truly single does not mean being a single parent. Yes, a single parent may not be married, or have never married, but they have still experienced part of the marriage experience by having a child with someone, or by someone, if I can be a bit blunt about it. A single parent may have been with someone for only a night and that night resulted in a pregnancy. A single parent, never married, or who has previously been married, has some of the responsibilites of someone who is not single because they have a child and are a parent. I hope this doesn't come across as insulting to single parents, who very often view themselves as single. In my definition though, they are not truly single, only single in circumstance.

Someone who is truly single does not have children, is not living with someone, and is not divorced or widowed. They are plainly single in all aspects of their lives. They are living, and have always lived, a chaste life as expressed in the teachings of the Church. It is this experience of being truly single that they bring to the church. I hope this definition makes sense to you.

So here you have some people who are truly single and are members of the Catholic Church. Add to this fact that some of these single people feel that they are not called to be married, and are not called to the priesthood or religious life, but feel called to just remain as they are, giving their whole selves to their church, their friends, and to where God sends them in the world, even if it is just their local community. Wasn't it St. Paul who said that it was better to remain single? Here is what St. Paul says in Corinthians: "I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction."


The purpose of this blog topic is not to discredit people who are single parents, divorced, or widowed, but to bring to the forefront truly single Catholics - a topic that is rarely, if ever, thought about in the church today.

This brings me to wonder how those who are married, divorced, widowed, single parents, or consecrated priests and religious, view people who are truly single.

Granted, truly single people may not be "the norm" in the Catholic church, or even the world, but still they are just as important as anyone else in the church. What are the stigmas that truly single Catholics have to deal with in the church today? Well, truly single Catholics have to deal with people assuming that there is something wrong with them that prohibits them from having a long term committed relationship. Other people just assume they are gay. Sometimes truly single people are unintentionally ostracized because the Catholic church focuses so much on families. Sometimes truly single people are looked at "in suspect" (I dont' know what other term to use) if they are seen having a cup of coffee or a talk with the spouse of someone in the church, or with a priest (if the single person is a female). If a male, and the male wants to help with say...young people....well sometimes people think "why is that person hanging out with youth so much and not with a girlfriend?". What if God is calling this male to work with youth as a minister or catechist? Given the scandals in our church during the last several years I can see where someone might think that, however, let us be reminded that the scandal was very sadly started by a small number of very dysfunctional clergy and not the lay people. (But that is another topic for another blog.) Why should this person be suspect just because he has a special charism with youth? Do you get where I'm going with this?

I think our world is so scandal crazed that if anyone does anything out of the "box" society has created, they are suspect, especially in the Catholic Church. But hey, I guess we should just tell people to look at people like St. Joan of Arc, Catherine of Sienna, and St. Francis? I bet they got their share of raised eyebrows !! These three people were solely focused on doing the will of God and that made their societies and probably their local parishes very uneasy. They were all a little "off" in their societies opinions wouldn't you say? Joan of Arc, a teen, should have been dating or staying home learning to cook instead of fighting battles for Jesus. Catherine should have been married too instead of "interfering" with church leadership, and St. Francis should have stayed home and spent his daddy's money and married into another weatlthy family!

God calls people as He wills, and who are we to say that truly single people are somehow flawed more than the average person because their life's goals might be a little different than what society's are ?

I am digressing a little bit here....but I have so many thoughts on this issue.

Another myth about truly single people is that they must be incredibly lonely. Well you know what? The lonliest people I have met are people who are married! Single people get lonely once in a while too. Everyone does, but please don't assume someone is lonely just because they are single.

There is a difference between being ALONE and being LONELY. Now, sometimes being alone isn't so great in the church either because I find that oftentimes truly single people are ignored or forgotten in the church more than anything. It seems as if the only thing a church knows what to do with truly single people is to stick them on a committee to try and give them a sense of community. Now that is not a bad thing necessarily, but when the person is only on a committe or involved in a ministry, but then forgotten at other times in parish life, that is not good.

I think it would be nice if the church would recognize that some people are not called to be married, or called to the priesthood or religious life, but are just called to single, living for Jesus. Trying to make a difference.

Another thing a Catholic church could do is to encourage families to invite a truly single person to attend church functions with their family. Some single people ( and this includes widowed and divorced people too ) don't attend church functions because they have to walk into a room full of people and they see couples and families and set clicks and there is nobody to welcome them. You will see these people try. They will come in to a gathering. They will look around. They may hover over by the punch bowl and look like they are looking for someone, but then after several minutes of nobody being hospitable and welcoming them to their table, or into their converseation, they will quietly slip out the door.

Another thing that could be done is if priests would acknowledge single people occasionally in their homilies. Even comments like...."here in our parish we have all sorts of people young, old, married, single, widowed, etc...". Perhaps priests could also bring out the wonderful gifts truly single people bring to the parish becasue they might have a more free schedule than married people or single parents.

I also believe that priests and church leadership need to recognize that truly single people also see the church as their family in a different way than other parishioners do. There is more of a connection to the parish as "family" and they need to have a role in that family system. In short, they need to be needed, welcomed, embraced, and respected. Sadly, most often they are met with the opposite.

I'm hoping that some of my words are bothering whoever is reading this tonight because these are things that need to be said and it might make people think about the truly single people in their churches. Raising awareness is the first step, as they say.

I think it would also be nice if priests would occasioanlly acknowledge truly single people for their commitment to the parish and to Jesus. Truly single CATHOLICS are truly single FOR JESUS. They may not be consecreated, but their entire focus is on Jesus and what they can do to help the church. Prayer is a priority for truly single Catholics because Jesus is the focus of their lives, in whom they find meaning, direction, and consolation.

Truly single people are often the people in parishes that fall through the cracks and are afterthoughts. They are just as much a part of the parish family as everyone else but they often do not feel a sense of belonging. If not embraced as an equally respected, important part of the parish family, in time, they will shrink back and just sit in the pews week after week, year after year,or they will leave. The sad part is that when they leave, nobody notices.

One more thought: Truly Single Catholics have a responsibility too. They have to make their needs known from time to time ( hence the reason for writing this blog tonight). They have to try and initiate a connection with their parish family as best they can. It is a give and take.

This is what I am thinking of tonight. I hope it makes you think too. (I think I broke a record with the length of this blog entry....Oooops ! )