I wish so many things...

Tonight I am feeling uneasy inside.

I am thinking of all the problems in the world and it makes me sad.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I have always been like the princess and the pea (see one of my earliest blogs for info on this if interested - March 3, 2010).

I wish I could help people more than I do. I wish I were rich and could give money away to help others. I wish I could help my parish more. My parish is undergoing some repairs and they are costly. I wish I could help out more ~ or better yet, I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everything better.

I hate to see people stressed out, including myself. It seems like everyone in our country right now is on edge due to the economy and many other things.

I wish I could be a better person. I really try, but sometimes I just mess up. (Thank God for confession). I do or say the wrong thing. I put my foot in my mouth. I sometimes get a little too emotional about things. I feel so passionate about so many things and I guess sometimes I try too hard, or perhaps I need to try harder? My intentions are good, but you know they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

Will I ever be enough to really make a difference in the world? or even my own little community ? It seems that our world is moving so fast that people don't even have time to sit and chat. We are definitely becoming human "doings" instead of human "beings". That is how I feel sometimes.

I just know in my own life how hard it is to make time for the things that really matter. There is all this meaningless stuff that we have to get done in our days and what does it amount to? Wasted time.

What does Jesus want us to do and to be? How can we really be what he wants us to in today's world?

I wish I could BE more as well as DO more. I wish I were enough instead of "not enough". Part of me feels like I have so much to give to the world, but then the other part of me says that I don't have anything much to give. I can do a lot of things. I am very capable, but I don't think my gifts are needed right now. I am like a fallow field, waiting to be useful.

Many times I feel like I am just a pain to everyone, and the last thing I want to do is annoy people. These last few years people ( who will remain nameless ) have made me feel like I am nothing but a bother and shouldn't take up space on this planet. I'm beginning to think that I am hopelessly flawed, although I know God doesn't make junk, but that is how I feel sometimes.

I just wish I could belong somewhere. No matter how friendly I try to be, it seems like I always end up standing on the outside of the circle saying "Hey people...why don't you let me in? Will someone please tell me what I did wrong? Can you please tell me what it is I have to do in order to be included in your circle?" And they don't answer.

They never do.

So I keep praying and trying because I have faith that there is a reason for things, and there is supposed to be something I have to learn through all of this.

Oh, how I wish so many things........