The Sahara of the Soul: Take 1

I am a person who tries hard. Whatever it is...I put sincere effort into things. Sometimes too much. Sometimes I put too much heart into things. I let them mean too much to me and then it all backfires. I want people to understand that my heart is in the right place and I guess sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is dangerous. At least for me.

I can't seem to learn the lesson that wearing my heart on my sleeve is a fairly huge mistake. Yet I make that same mistake over and over and over again. But what is the alternative? Should I not be sincere? Should I hide my thoughts and feelings? If I did that, I would feel like a hypocrite. But then again, who isn't a hypocrite every once in a while? That is what the confessional is for isn't it....hypocrites, sinners, those who are "less than", and those who are "not enough"?

Sometimes I wish I could be more normal by society's standards. But I'm not. I'm sorry, but I just don't care that much about fashion, electronic gadgets, the hottest cars, the top movies in the theatre, or who is on the cover of "People" magazine.

I am a thinker. I am a pray - er. I am an observer of human and animal nature. I like the occasional superficial thing, but for the most part, I live with intensity. I've learned many lessons by losing people who were dear to me. Life is short. Very short. Sure, we should take time for fun. After all we are called to be childlike and all that. But we are all here for a reason and we have an individual purpose given to us by God. Before we know it, life will be over and we will be standing in front of the King of Kings and we are going to be accountable for all we've done and haven't done. This reality scares me because no matter how much I try, I always fall short of my mission. I used to have a purpose, a mission, but not anymore. My mission was Youth Ministry - "snatch my kids away from the devil" was the word from on high. But that has basically ended. Now, I don't know what my purpose is. I am floundering like a fish tossed onto the beach.

To be honest, I've become quite tired of trying to find my mission. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. So what am I doing about it? Not much. Right now I am sitting in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. By night I am cold and afraid and hypervigilant. By day I am scortching in the desert sun and trying to find a way out. Crying for a hero, but there is none. There is nothing else to do but surrender to the One who made all of us.

I am like the clay in the potter's hands. I am like the one God is tearing down so hopefully He will someday build up again. (Jeremiah) I have totally surrendered, many times over, but it seems that even God doesnt' have much use for me right now. So I will wait. I will pray. I might even cry some more. I will wait for a hero. I am God's creation after all. If he wants to take me out of commission then I guess I don't have a say. I have to obey.

I will obey. I will remain a smooshed pot of clay, broken and useless. But as I lay here on the floor, I will be wondering..... I will be wondering what it was that I did so wrong to cause God to want to crush me and I will be wondering when He is going to start over and make me into something new. My greatest fear is that He will choose to do nothing with me, and I will just lay here forever.