A mirage or an oasis?

From out here in the Sahara of my soul, I am starting to see something in front of my spiritual eyes, and there is a feeling arising within me. However, I don't want to trust my feelings because they can be deceptive sometimes. Still though, some say to "go with your gut". Sometimes I say that too.

I've had a couple of moments this week of thinking I can see something in the desert. The thing is, I don't know if it is a real oasis, or a mirage - a figment of my imagination or something that I want to see so badly that I'm letting my mind's eyes manufacture it. I have to discern this further.

Lately my wandering in the desert has had me walking in circles. Just when I think I'm getting closer to leaving it, I find myself smack dab back in the middle. It can be frustrating. There are glimpses of hope and release, but then just as soon as they are there, they are gone again. It is like I'm being teased, and I don't think that can be of God. God doesn't play games like that. The evil one does.

So, I am waiting. Some days it is like I'm sitting alone. Other days I know Jesus is nearby, just not visible. Other days the Eucharist speaks volumes to me and reaches into my desert space for a short time. Those moments are oxygen for my soul. (Manna from Heaven for one wandering in the desert.) Sometimes I might even have a visit from a couple of sheep and find a shepherdesses staff in my arms, but there is no direction provided for me to lead the sheep. I feel so inadequate to be given this responsibility. So, I find myself waiting with my little spiritual flock of sheep in silence, and I talk to them and let them know I am confused. They do not wander away from me because they are relying on me, and yet I have nothing to give them. So, we are hanging out together, waiting and praying. This may not make sense to the reader, but it makes sense to me.

I am waiting. I am praying. I am trying to understand and discern. I am hungrily grabbing any spiritual food that comes my way in order that I may not starve, but it flows through me and leaves, as if in a seive. I have been asking for spiritual sustenance in ways other than the Eucharist. I think I have been quite clear about my needs. However, it seems like my little baby-bird-in-the-nest tweets to Mother Church seem to fall on deaf ears these days; but that may just be because I am deaf myself, and perhaps blind too.

Perhaps Jesus is speaking loudly to me right now and I cannot hear Him? Perhaps it is my sinfulness getting in the way? Perhaps it is my state of mind and the confusion I tend to experience often? Perhaps though, the church is just not able to respond to my needs at this time because it is a bit out of reach, a bit exclusive, a bit of a clique ? I don't know. I should not try to analyze things so much.

I am trying to just BE in his presence and to be patient. Since I continue to exist, I know He is thinking of me and I should be satisfied with that. Perhaps just knowing He is thinking of me is my oasis..... sigh........I don't know.

Anyway, these are my thoughts for this evening. I am feeling confusion coming upon me now so I better stop.