Lent - a Time for Change

This Lent is two years since I've started this blog. I just wanted to say that. Now, on to my topic...

Lent is a time for change and improvement. Change is difficult sometimes. There have been times in my life that I have welcomed changed and worked hard at it. Most of my days, actually... but there are some aspects of my personality that I really would like to change and I am having a difficult time with it. Sometimes I think these things cannot be changed. Other times I think it is a matter of just being self-aware and focused and then I will be "new and improved".

At other times I think God made me this way, or allowed me to become the way I am, for a reason.

I was thinking recently about who I was as a child and if I am still the same, and if so, then perhaps that is the way God made me so that I could use that aspect of my personality for the world ( however big or small my world is at any particular time). When I was really small, maybe 8 years old, I remember breaking up a conflict between my sister and this little mean kid from the neighborhood. I remember today that I negotiated and literally stood between the two of them, as in a UN deal. I remember preventing the violence.

I remember many other times in my life when I stood up for injustice even though it made me quite unpopular. As a rule, I am a first class chicken. I am generally gentle and polite, but when an injustice pops in front of my face, I have to speak up. It is very hard for me to do so and I get nervous/anxious and think to myself to be quiet. But then something wells up within me. I have come to know that "something" ( most of the time anyway ), is the Holy Spirit telling me to act. There are times, to be honest, when it is not the Holy Spirit and my emotions that take over, but I have come to know the signs when it is the Holy Spirit. Do you want to know what those signs are?

Well, one sign is that it is a consistent impulse from inside to speak up and the words flood into my mind, or the actions that I'm supposed to do. I try to ignore it, rationalize it, try not to focus on it, etc....but it keeps coming back. It is a haunting type of feeling. It was the prophet Jeremiah wasn't it that stated for him it was like burning coals in his mouth until he spoke. Sometimes that is how it is with me - like burning coals. Then, once I speak it, then the pressure subsides and I get a feeling of peace inside. Later on though, I may think twice and feel incredibly stupid, but as the days go by and I reflect on my words or actions, then I usually know that I said or did the right thing.

Some people have told me that I am brave. I don't think that because many times when I have spoken up I get backlash. I can get ostracized. I have been rejected. I have been misunderstood. In a strange way though, all those things tell me I did the right thing. The ultimate knowing though, is a deep sense of peace that I listened to the Holy Spirit.

I don't know if any of you understand what I am trying to say. You know in Scripture where it says ..."when I am weak, He is strong"? Well, that is sort of how it is. I am a chicken and a weakling. I am basically a nobody on this planet. I have done nothing great or massive (yet!). I don't have lots of money. I don't have fancy things. I don't fit in to alot of what the world offers and to be honest, I don't even feel like I fit into my Catholic Church anymore. I do not have a place there - well I do.....I shoudl be honest...I have moved myself from the "third pew" to the back pew. Literally. Even though I am quite an under-ordinary person, God still uses me to fight injustice when it comes in front of me.

So this Lent I am trying to change and improve myself. It is difficult. The most difficult thing I'm experiencing this Lent is a dryness and distractedness in prayer. I have not cut short my prayer time, but during that time, my mind wanders. But I think they say that 90% of life is just showing up? Well, I show up in front of the tabernacle....and look at Jesus hidden there and Jesus looks back at me.

Despite everything though.......I am hoping that this Lent is changing me, despite my limitations.